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Bumper car conspiracy or: the rise of the funcar*

You probably know them: the average bumpingcars at a usual Friday afternoon fun fair. The bumpercar… he guarantees a nice round of bumping around. The bumping car can de driven in the so called dodgem car paradise, a trendy, glittering open temple where the funcar lover can race the track in circles. Every it self estimating fun fair has a fun car palace, commonly referred to as the “dodgem’s,” and the place is tremendously popular among visitors of the fun fair. For a visitor, the riding of this funcar is a sort of must-do, in order to show off, simulating how one would handle in a crowded traffic situation, while a public is standing alongside the track. It’s a trend that the last 5 years has gotten a bit out of hands. It is not so much the “fun”car but more the “car” that has the overhand. The simple fact that one can manage to survive on the track. Yes, a sort of status symbol and not so much the pleasure one derives from riding around in the palace. A serious development in the recent years in fun fair land, that we need to take a closer look at.
Its saturday afternoon, 14.30. I am walking on the fun fair and it doesn’t take long before I see where the funcars are. Firmly I walk upto the palace and buy a handful tokens. The buzzer makes a sound indicating the starts have electric and can be started. The sweat is in my hands. With a fast movement I manoeuvre into the direction of the nearest car. And I make the car shock a few times. This sort of work requires quality, it needs a certain insight, that is: a general view over the complete track as well as a focus on the particular car. And, the average recreating visitor is also not that quick in getting a car.

The competition is huge. A close, precise calculation in the options, running-distance, the ignorance of non-verbal treatments by rivals..all this is coming at once. Practise is absolutely required, but at the same time, you have to act as if all is done in a casual, spontaneous and relaxed way. Now that game begins. While riding around over the track, the cars flash by and the beat of house music is playing loudly, I enjoy the scenery. My car, a red one, number 18 with shines in the neon lights of the roof. Suddenly I coincidentally notice in a moment something of a different world: on the side, along the track near the right corner there is a group, a sort of gang. While I try to ride my car innocently I notice how someone from the side observes me with a little spyglass. (he wears a long leather raincoat). Strange. I decide not to pay too much attention and continue having my pleasure. But this is hard to do, since suddenly, I see a person at the other corner next to the track standing with a small notebook, while making notes as he looks at me. He gives them to another man, who starts looking around over the track, getting in a panic (“an intruder”? I can hear him think). He graps like as he has a fever his mobile and starts to call, wiping away the sweat from his forehead. A while later – I am still riding the track – I see more men gathering near that person. What is happening? The crowd near the man has noticed that I ve been at the track already for 5 rounds without having bumped regularly. The group gets emotional, I see them speaking to each other with fast hand guestures, I even hear a scream from their direction. I have my doubts, so I look fast in the direction of the token seller (who answers with a simple apologizing with a shrug, that it is not his fault) and then I look if I can see the ‘carsellector.’

This person belongs to the funcar paradise, he hops at the back of cars to bring them from the track back to the side of the track. When the carsellectors thinks a certain car needs to go back to the side, he is in charge, he doesn’t take a “no” for answer. So it is important to be a friend with him. When you are manoeuvring successfully with many rounds at the track, he can ruin everything for you. Me and the carsellocter are living in peace with each other. Although its for sure the gang has already power over the carsellector, he stays away from me since he knows it is of no use to put my car aside. In no time I can conquer the track after buying new tokens. Suddenly I see a friend of mine standing along the strip. He is an old acquaintance I always meet at fun fairs. He is completely shaking on his legs, has a pale face and a tear in his shirt. He waves quickly in my direction. I ride upto him and pick him up. “I was just on my way to the funfair on my bike as I saw how a few people were observing me. they have followed me till the Market square, then I could get rid of them.” It is Martin, he is at fun fairs for years and a master in the fund car circuit. He is on a black list from the gang, yet he manages to ride a considerable numbers of rides at the funcar paradise. Break. We leave the funcars for a moment to stretch our legs. At a certain moment I feel someone poking my shoulder. The man in black leather raincoats, a cigaret smoking, with bling bling around his neck. He looks Italian, but I am not sure. Under his arm he has a laptop. He askes me if I smoke and he opens with a “can I show you something?” wink the screen. I see lots of statistics, diagrams, and charts. Presented in a powerpoint dia-presentation. He gives a short vocal explanation at the slights, while already having forgotten that i dont smoke as he offers again a cigarette. We refuse his offer, which makes him mad. With a finger, threatening, he makes clear we ll regret this. What was the man doing with the laptop? He wanted to offer us a chance to divide the track between us and the gang, each having a part of the track in our hands. We as sports, of course had to refuse. Question: was that a good move. As soon as we bought new tokens and got in a car we notice how the track is possession of the gang. They manage the red, blue, as well as the yellow cars. Also their internal organisation is good. Using cellphones the communication between the cars is sublime. This looks not so good for us. They manoeuvre strategically in the corners of the track, while making treatening movements with their cars. (some of them putting on their sunglasses). This could be the end. But whats better than an end at the funcar palace (We can already imagine the newspaper heads. With bon courage we put another coin in the bumper car as the buzzer sound rings. Suddenly, as if out of a cloud, a horizontal line of 15 cars posed next to each other, appears. We see people at the side, crowds gathering, to see this spectacle. Photographs are being taken. As simultaneously the gang looks at their watches and step at the pedals. Enfin, perhaps next year better.

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The news **

Recently i noticed it again. The sentence “this was the eight o’ clock news, have a nice evening” had just been said, and that moralistic Dutch public News channel tune played again. Unfortunately, this tune goes hand in hand with some seconds (12 seconds according to the standard) of live television. Actually, this scene (a studio that gets darker with a newsreader who is fading dark) has no surplus to the news that just had been showed. But, in Newsland, this practise is facing considerable problems. One has to imagine that the average newsreader has done no extra preparations for this extra seconds of being on the air. What must he do during these extra seconds, of which, surely HE is the middle point since we can still see him while he becomes slowly covered by darkness? In Newsland this problem is known as the “transition” and many newsreader suffers under this phenomenon. Of course, as you might have noticed, the creative newsreader has already find tools and methods to overcome this little problem. Two of the most used technics I will discuss. 1. Make sure you have on the desk: a pen, the “papers” and of course a map. During the end melody you can entertain the viewer with a show of desk-cleaning. One puts with a lot of showing off the pen in the inner pocket of the jacket, then, if time is left, one shuffles the papers on the desk…up and down, several times, with a sense of theatre, with a dramatic smile, this all in order to put these papers in the map – a map, that has buttons to open and close if time is left. While doing so, the putting-in-the map as a sort of climax of desk cleaning performance, the newsreader flashes that quasi sexy wink in the camera. Hell drive you insane. The routine newsreader practises this several times at home with a stopwatch so that he is able to get up at the precise timing when the melody is finished. 2. “Entertaining cleaning” was popular in the nineties, in the new millennium we see that the focus is more on the personality of the newsreader

The reader has arranged/paid someone who, during the endtune and the upcoming darkness, steps upto him with some sort of remark. The viewer of course doesn’t get to know what the content is of that remark, but from the laughing face of the newsreader, one can derive it has to be more or less funny. A step further (depending on the popularity/ budget of the newsreader) this particular man can walk upto the newsreader with a congruatelating hand (“what a wonderfull broadcast!!!”), there are even some of these men who start applauding, not to mention those who overdo it, as they walk upto the newsreader while falling on their knees. – this all while the darker getting studio makes place for the commercials. Untill now the newsreader seems to deal with the extra 12 seconds. What may we expect from the “transition” in the near future? 1. The public broadcasting News melody has just start, the studio gets darker, and suddenly the mobile of the newsreader rings. While he flashes a surprising “now I wonder who that is?” wink into the camera, he picks up the phone. Of course the viewer cant hear what the conversation is about, but the viewer gets an impression of how important the reader is. It invites the viewer to phantasize about the private life of the newsreader…will it be his wife who is calling, telling him that the lasagne is waiting for him??? Is it his son calling from the North pole telling him how his hike is going??? It is important that the newsreader does not give that “who could be that” wink each time as the mobile rings, he can loose his credibility…he also should use the irritated look “damn NOT while I am doing my 12 secs” or: gently putting off the mobile, while the camera zooms in at the gadget, clearly in full screen showing the viewers it is a NOKIA. Secret commercials is big buissiness. Newsreaders get their cash so that they can effort again these particular admirers during the transition. Other forms of secret commercials that can slide into the news-ending are: the newsreader let him bring a MC Donnalds hamburger at his desk during the 12 seconds or a black and dekker to do those necessary reperations at that newsdesk. The most ideal solution however for “the transition” would be to directly go to the commercials after the last sentence of the news. This however is no option. Newsland know s that the viewer needs understandably a few seconds to recover from the heavy news. Just cutting off would be too dramatic. A slowly disappearing newreader as a methapor for slowly disappearing news. According to trendwatchers the fade out could best used by secret commercials related to ideal goals. (After the news of IRA explosions, the newsreader can use his mobile to donate money on the number under him in the screen). This serves the viewer better than entertaining cleaning.

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The interactive Pub***

Marc was walking in deep thought along the Brusselsstreet to the Emma Square. He was facing a difficult decision: should he go to the pub or not? Rationally as well financially he knew his study as well as his wallet would not allow him to go. Yet, he found it a painful thought to skip the pub for one single day. A lazy ass as he was he decided to postpone the decision till after dinner when he and his house mates always have a drink. The decision would then be easier to take. Secretly he already knew that the move to the pub would be easier and that he finally would end up with a glass of beer in his hands at a standing table with his friends. Marc was a member of Alpha-Beta. You might know him. Or not, since he just recently became a member after the freshmen period. Alpha Beta just lost its fraternityhouse since the local authorities had new plans for the grounds the fraternity building was on. The authorities could not offer a new house immediately so the members had no place to go anymore. A fraternity without a bar…what to do?? There was only one solution possible: the interactive pub. A way of getting together in which the typical athmosphere of the fraternity could remain.Marc had just had a few nice rounds with his house mates and felt excellent. After the drink he looked at his watch and saw it was ten o’ clock, time to go to the fraternity. He went to his room, closed the door and put on the helmet with all the interactive functions. Then he put his hands in a glove that was connected to wires and had naps and sensors and put on the computer. After logging into the net the evening started for Marc and he had a feeling it was going to be a great night.He maintained to press ‘enter’ and then the alcohol started to run into the infusion. The small tube which connected the barrel with the infusion in Marc’s arm was of course an important element of the interactive pub. And the sensors with which you could feel the cold beerglass in your hand together with the smell-sensors with which one could smell the smoke of cigarres and cigarettes made you feel the atmosphere of the old fraternity bar. Marc saw the fraternity house as it used to look like in the past, before him. The typed in the interactive password and saw the door opening. There was an older member who made a guesture indicating he had to show his member ID card. Inside the pub it was a great atmosphere, it was crowded and it smelled like cigarettes, sweat and beer. Recently Marc had adjusted the smell-sensors so that the experience was superreal. In the back of the bar he saw his friends already standing with their beerglasses in their hand. His friends, Simon, was waving to him and shouted something that was not clear to understand. As Marc approached him he still couldn’t hear what Simon said. So strange…Oh, of course, the headphone on the helmet was working but the volume switch was at the minimum level. After changing the volume in a pleasant position he heard Simon asking if he wanted a beer. Of course, that was welcome, because Marc wanted to tank up a bit. The infusion started to pump the alcohol in the arm as the first glass of beer got emptied. A strange feeling, but it was ok. Now it was Marc’s term to get beer at the bar. Behind the bar was again that irritating bartender who last time had refused Marc to give any more beer as he was too drunk. These were now the good things about the interactive pub. With a simple press on F2 you can change the bartender. After F2 it was Bart, a friendly one, who also was known for giving rounds on the house. Marc has called a friend to log in at the net so that they could have some drinks together. All the other friends had already logged in from their homes and were getting drunk in a slow tempo. “Hey Lazy ass” Marc heard an annoying drunk voice behind him. It’s Steven: now there were two options: F5 or F6. With F6 Steven could be blocked and no one would have to be put up with the guy. But oh what, Marc thought, let us keep it a nice evening and invite him over to the table.

A usual discussion with Steven was always resulting in a fight but maybe not tonight as Steven already was looking a bit drunk and would possibely fall asleep or get kicked out. The talk of the evening was the European Championships football and how Holland lost from Russia. This conversation was optional by the way. In a menu, selected by Control+F8, other actual topics were to be picked from. Simon said he had been in the menu choosing sexgossip for an hour or so, but he got excluded from the group as he started shouting too loud. Steven had drunk too much and started to get aggressive in the discussion as he was continuing to defend that the Russians deserved to win. That’s not a good start for the evening, but blocking was now too late. Marc thought it to be a good idea to change from topic in the menu and after Control F8 he came in the discussion about Beer. There were even some chicks in this discussion and Marc saw his chance to talk into a freshmen girl with brown hair. Allthough she was called anynomous he had success with the girl and soon after some nice openinglines and a short participation in the conversation’s topic, they choosed to go ‘private’ so with a click on the mouse they left upstairs in the chillingroom, where sofa’s and some chairs were the setting for many little romances in the dim light. As Marc was still busey with his latest conquest for the night, Steven got a bit jalousie and went upstairs in order to ruin the fun. As Steven now really had gone to far, a fight was unavoidable. Marc threw himself upon Steven and they rolled over the floor. Ouch somewhere Marc got hit on his head. Normally Marc was used to put all the furniture aside in his room at home when he logs in, but now he didn’t and he had hid his head on the stereo, there was a scratch on the speaker now. But somehow even Marc was already drunken enough to forget about this incident and he went downstairs to find his friends. It was 2 am and most of his friends had already logged out. So, where to go now? Looking around Marc saw only strangers, so he decided to make some new acquaintances as efficient as possible. The good thing about the virtual pub is that you can talk to many people at the same time. As he asked Linda what her age was he simultaneous was in discussion with Ronald about the lawschool examinations whereas he made Christel a nice compliment about her hair. The technique of multi-tasking was well known to Marc, who quickly crossed the pub between Ronald, Linda near the windows to Christel who was in the back. Within the interactive scene the interactive drink is not complete without the typical phenomen of carrying a photograph with you. So, wile Marc was a bit tired from running between his three conversation fellows he was lending at the bar, drinking another beer as someone poked him. It was Susanna4565 and she asked Marc what he look likes. A bit confued with this practice Marc stayed friendly and took a photograph out of his pocket. Look, this is me. Susanna4565 took no interest and went away immediately after seeing the picture. Kind of frustrating. Luckely another girl came up some minutes later and asked the same question, where Marc knew this time he wasn’t going to show her the picture. He just lied about his appearance and seemingly she lied even worse. Maybe it was time to leave now. As Marc was about to leave the fraternity house suddenly a student with a rugbyshirt popped up out of nothing. “Hi everyone, how are you doing.”

.” That’s a typical line the interactive pub has to deal with. Since the new student was someone from an other fraternity, possibly he hacked the password from at home, and the ‘Hi’ was not necessarily directed to Marc, he decided to ignore him and leave the fraternity building. Marc took off the helmet, the glove and disconnected himself from the wires and infusion since the alcohol was out. After logging out he found it time to go to sleep. It is, however, not necessary to log out at about 2 am, since the interactive pub is open 24 hours a day, unless no bartender can be found. So it once happened that Marc had fallen asleep at the fraternity bar where he was too drunk and lazy to pull out off his virtual glove and helmet. Oh what a lot of beer had runned through the infusion this night. As Marc woke up the next day he saw the result of an evening in the virtual pub, his whole room was one big mess. His sofa was lying on its back, his cd’s were spread all over the floor, the stereo was more broken than he had imagined and not the least, there were traces of vomit on the carpet. Mmmhh..Marc couldn’t remember he had drunk that much. Now, Marc had a meeting with Max, a member of the other big fraternity Gamma Delta, who do have a house for themselves still. Max always says the interactive drinking is for loosers and he thinks it disguisting. But, nevertheless, Max wanted to see it for himself for real, so Marc had send him an extra glove and Helmet so that they could go to the pub together, Max being Marc’s introduce. He then had to admit that there were some good sides of the virtual fraternity compared to his one. You don’t have to escord a girl home when you have met since she is already at home and it was a benifit that Marc’s fraternity could organize a big party in a rapid tempo, simply by clicking on F9 in the partymenue and then select a type, such as the beachparty last week. Funny though, that particular party wasn’t announced at all in forehand, it just spontaneously happened as some drunken member of the partycommitee had lend on his mouse, clicking in the partymenu. Guess no one was dressed probably for that one. All n all Max was perhaps a bit jalousie about the virtual pub. And was he right? The older generation of the fraternity surely may find it all fake, but even they are somehow profitting from the concept. Reunists from all over the world vist the pub these days since they dont need to travel far. And multi-tasking is a good and effective way to divide your time. You can log in, enter the pub and still do your things at home, such as watching a film. In the chilling room is a television and you don’t have to go downstairs to get your beer since the infusion pumps it in your body. Its even possible to study at home in your virtual equipment so that you don’t need to miss the latest gossips at the pub.

Ger * Theezeef nov. 1997 ** Theezeef feb. 1998 *** Theezeef april 1997(S.V. KoKo, Maastricht)

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