"Tagalog Jokes...at ibang patawa" Personal Page by monina_c

Exercise... Who? me?

If ever you get the urge to exercise please remind yourself of this Q & A between a doctor and his patient:

Question: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life;
is this true?

Answer: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

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Question: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

Answer: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

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Question: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

Answer: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

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Question: How can I calculate my body fat ratio?

Answer: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

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Question: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

Answer: Can't think of a single one, sorry.
My philosophy is: No pain...Good!

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Question: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

Answer: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

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Question: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?

Answer: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

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Question: Is chocolate bad for me?

Answer: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It's the
best feel-good food around!

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Question: Is swimming good for your figure?

Answer: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOOHOO, What a ride!"

AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you :-)

Tawa Ka Muna!


GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!


Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.
Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!
Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?


A lizard fell on a table.
Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
Astig: Sheeet, butiki!;
Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
Mahirap: Pare, ulam!


Bakit 'S' ang nasa costume ni Superman?
Wala na kasing medium! Napansin mo, fit masyado, di ba?


Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula
ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging anak, naintindihan mo?
Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.


Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!
Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!
Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!


Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle Ice Cream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi nya, 'Oh mga bata, Mirinda
na!'


Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
Juan: Maniwala ako?!
Pedro: Totoo!
Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
Pedro: Asin!


Nurse: Miss, gising na!
Patient: Ah, bakit?
Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.
Patient: Anong gamot?
Nurse: Sleeping pills.


Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.
Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.
Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.
Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB!


Erap at Starbucks.
Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!
Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?
Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!
Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!


Sa prusisyon.
Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose, mga girls, sa karo ni Mama
Mary. Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?
Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!


Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang walang parachute!
Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!


Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.
Inay: Bakit naman?
Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.
Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?
Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?


Use 'Bampira' in a sentence!
Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!


TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!
SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?
TUKMOL: Wala po, survey lang ho. Ngayon, yung duwag naman ang lumabas!


Anak: Ma, hingi sanaako ng P50.
Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong gagawin mo sa P20? Akala mo
madaling kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.


Boy1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?
Boy2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!
Boy1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!
Boy2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita picture ng hippopotamus, bobo!


May kwento ako tungkol sa lovelife ng ampalaya.
Huwag na lang! Masyadong mapait!


Grabe! Biruin mo, 150,000 pesos daw, hot oil lang! 150,000 pesos ang
rebonding! Sobra naman yang David's Salon na yan!
- Rapunzel.


Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday. Tahimik lang syang nakatitig sa bote ng juice. Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate.

Street Vendor : 'bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito! pag namuti, white gold! pag huminto stopwatch!'

Use violet in a sentence...
'Oh no! i lost my ballpen .. pero ok lang.. i'll violet.(buy-ulit)'


couple talking:
wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay.
tinanong niya wife niya kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami sira dito sa bahay.
so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ako ng cake.
husband : so pnag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!

Why Heather Whitestone should not live forever

Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."

Mariah Carey

````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

Aries!

VIRGO - The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only.

SCORPIO - The Addict
EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring.

LIBRA - The Lame One
Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! however not the kind of person you wanna mess with ... u might end up crying...

ARIES - The Liar
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud.


AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.

GEMINI - Irresistible
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in the you know where... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.

LEO - The Lion
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.

CANCER - The Cutie
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to i t. Someone you should hold on to.

PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around.Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.

CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.

TAURUS - The Tramp
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Goo d kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!

SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!!! Not the kind of person you wanna mess with- you might end up crying.

F**t and you stand alone

Crazy by Gnarlz Barkley

Management Lesson #6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the round into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the sh!t is your friend;
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


Scene sa PAL Cubao Office, Hapon ng June 20, 2007
(kwento ni Mang Jun):


PAL employee: Passenger Mary Joy, Passenger Mary Joy!
*Walang tumindig papuntang counter.*
PAL employee ulit : Passenger Mary Joy, Passenger Mary Joy!
*Walang talagang tumindig papuntang counter.*
PAL employee ulit : Passenger Mary Joy WAHAHA!, Passenger Mary Joy WAHAHA!
Mang Jun (nasa gilid ng counter): Sir, bakit ka nagtatawa?
PAL employee: Hindi ako nagtatawa, WAHAHA talaga surname nya! Passenger Mary Joy WAHAHA!

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

since elodie's forbidden us to go anywhere near the frenchman, i had to find a replacement. my choice: the eyes, the lips, the voice! need i say more?

  • Page Updated May 5, 2013
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monina_c

“And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. - Kahlil Gibran”

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