Travel Tips

As many of you know, I work in a homeless shelter, and all I can say is that I hear some very funny things come out of my clients mouths and the mouths of social service workers. Lets not mention the written material we receive from DSS. As I remember and hear them, I am going to write them here. I hope you find as much humor in them as I do.

1. I AM SELF SUFFICICENT, I JUST NEED YOU GUYS TO HELP PAY FOR MY FOOD, APARTMENT AND MEDICAL CARE.

2. DEAR MS. ????,
WE ARE SENDING YOU THIS LETTER TO NOTIFY YOU THAT YOUR CASE IS BEING CLOSED BECAUSE WE ARE UNABLE TO LOCATE YOU.

3. DEAR MR. ????,
THIS LETTER IS NOTIFY YOU THAT YOUR CASE IS BEING CLOSED BECAUSE WE HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF SOCIAL SECURITY THAT YOU HAVE RECENTLY BECOME DECEASED. (THIS MAN REALLY DID DIE)

4. I HAVE GREAT SKILLS AND AN EDUCATION AND I'M NOT TAKING A JOB THAT PAYS LESS THAN $20.00 AN HOUR. WHAT LEVEL OF EDUCATION DO YOU HAVE MR. ????, I PASSED THE 8TH GRADE MAM. (YES HE REALLY SAID THIS)

5. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO EITHER GO TO GED CLASSES OR GET A JOB. WHY CAN'T I STAY HERE AND WATCH TV LIKE I DO AT HOME.

6. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE KITCHEN IS CLOSED. I'M GONNA CALL THE BOARD OF HEALTH AND TELL THEM YOU ARE STARVING US. (THIS WAS AT 1:00 AM, AND THE CLIENT IS 5'4" AND WEIGHS NEARLY 200 POUNDS, SOMETHING TELLS ME SHE'S NOT STARVING)

7. I DON'T LOSE MY TEMPER YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR BLEEPING MIND IF YOU THINK THAT, WHO THAT HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO, (I THINK YOU GET THE POINT)

8. A CLIENT AFTER BEING TOLD SHE NEEDED TO ATTEND PARENTING CLASSES AND STRESS MANAGEMENT STATED, "I DON'T NEED NO PARENTING CLASSES, I AM RASING MY KIDS JUST FINE, I CAN'T HELP IT IF I FEEL LIKE THROWING THEM THROUGH THE WALL"
(CAN WE SAY COPING SKILLS NEEDED)

9. CLIENT: MY FAITH PREVENTS ME FROM EATING PORK AND RED MEAT.
CASE MANAGER: I SEE YOU ORDERED HOT DOGS THOUGH, THEY ARE MADE FROM PORK.
CLIENT: HOT DOGS ARE NOT MEAT, THEY ARE LIPS AND BUTT HOLES.
CASE MANAGER: I ALSO SEE YOU ORDERED A BLT, BACON IS PORK.
CLIENT: THE USDA CLASSIFIES BACON AS A FAT, ITS NOT PORK THEN IS IT.
(NOW WHO CAN ARGUE WITH THAT LINE OF LOGIC)

10. MY DSS WORKER IS STUCK ON STUPID, SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR ME.

11. I don't know how to budget, I just know how to spend money.

12. I've been servicing my clients up the ying yang.

Dear Friend,
As I sit here in the early morning hours I wonder what am I or should
I do, for my life is such a mess. Friend I ask of you please do not
mis understand for I do not infer with alchol nor drugs. Some may say
it's one's day for depression, but how do they know? Does it show? For
on the out side a smile yet on the in side a tear begins to stream.
Friend I beg of you please don't give up on me for one day I hope to
find the friend you see in me.

(This client won the Editor's Choice Award for 2004 and has had this published as part of a collection of poems)

This past Friday as I was getting ready to leave work, one of the little boys at the shelter asked me if I was going to go get Patrick. I said yes E, I'm leaving now to pick him up at day care. The little girl standing next to him got sad because I was leaving. I told her, that I had to go pick up Patrick. She said I wanna go get Patrick too. I told her that she couldn't come with me and that I was sorry. Then she said, I wanna come get Patrick and SpongeBob too.