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| Page Views: 702 Last Visit to Rome: 2006 I Visit Here Frequently | The Holiday Humor Page by icunme - last update: Nov 4, 2009 |
Scroll down for HOLIDAY HUMOR | Loose weight - stop smoking - eat the carrot! |
Snippets that helped me laugh through many a stressful day.............
You just must have a good sense of humor to live and work in Beverly Hills - actually, if you don't - you will develop one.
It is, in a sense, surreal - consider perfectly mancured mansions where you see no sign of life.
Rolls Royces that seem to drive themselves because the tinted windows show no one inside.
The constant parade of walking women who look like wax figures displaced from Madame Tussaude's. |
Julie Andrews Birthday a few years back........... To commemorate her birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things..
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
You know why Santa is always so jolly, don't you? He knows where all the bad girls live.......... George Carlin |
|  | Psychology 101 IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU REALLY DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO - EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
IF SOMETHING I SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS, AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD AND/OR ANGRY ------- I MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING AND HAVE MOST OF IT LEFT.
I THINK SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!! |
| Don't argue - just give up the carrot! |
| | Word play??? The Washington Post's once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's {2005} winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ***.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. |
FIRST STUPID CHRISTMAS STORY Why the Angel is on Top of the Christmas Tree
Santa had never known a December like this one. Half of the elves had the flu, it didn't look like it was ever going to snow; and now, on Christmas, Rudolph had blown a fuse. Oh, Mrs. Claus jumped in to help; but she'd never made toys before, so Santa had to stay up late every night and fix them after she went to sleep. He didn't want to hurt her feelings--after all, she was doing her best.
He sneezed for about the thousandth time and gently shook his feverish head at the scant crew of elves, tripping all over each other as they frantically loaded the sleigh. It was never going to be done on time; and Christmas was just not something that could be postponed.
He tried not to think about all those lukewarm cups of milk and plates of dried out cookies he'd be expected to eat tonight. He just didn't have the stomach for it. He'd better not get caught this year, either. Coming up with a convincing "Ho-ho-ho" was going to be just about impossible.
Santa knew he should have checked the feedbags earlier. He'd thought about it a hundred times, but something always interrupted him before he got to it. Just as he bent down to heft that bag of oats onto his achy shoulders, a cherubic voice tinkled behind him.
"Hey Santa?" she asked. "Where would you like me to put this Christmas tree?"
The end! |
SECOND STUPID CHRISTMAS STORY Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's"!! |
| | OK - This one's not stupid......... REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a �5 note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??
Santa of course, the other two don't exist!
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
Sandy Claus!
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A subordinate claus.
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus. |
POLITICALLY CORRECT SANTA TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS??
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
(c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL........... |
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 Comments for icunme about Rome | | | | |
Roadquill Wed Nov 11, 2009 03:16 UTC
Hi Carol, thanks for letting me know you enjoyed my Rome page. I will be using some of your tips next time in Roma, but not the "accomodations".. ;-) Ciao, Karl | RoscoeGregg Sun Nov 8, 2009 16:29 UTC
As a man that lives by his relationship with with plants I love parks. Thanks for thr tip Happy trails | royalempress Sun Nov 8, 2009 02:25 UTC
LOL "speaking english is what kills you" I love it. Great opening pages. I'm going to explore the rest right now!!! Mike | Pawtuxet Thu Nov 5, 2009 15:12 UTC
cute jokes. I forwarded one to my husband. |
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