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":*¨`*:·~My§ticÄl~·:*¨`*MIRTH AND LAUGHTER.JOKES .·" by budapest8


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budapest8   
Travelling is a passion beyond reason ·~ My§ticÄl~·:*.隐形的 ღ (~_~)♫♫


Real Name: 旅游万岁 Tim
Lives In: Nagykata, HU
Member Since: Oct 18, 2000
VT Rank: 511

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budapest8's Albums
Title [Click to view]Travel YearPictures
MY FAMILY TREE with the strangest of connections!- 7
My Garden in Nagykáta Hungary..Hungarian town life- 8
My travels with my daughter Clara- 8
:*¨`*:·~My§ticÄl~·:*¨`*MIRTH AND LAUGHTER.JOKES .·- 7
Hungarian Hussars- 8
<(•¿•)> Some events and happenings in my life- 

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:*¨`*:·~My§ticÄl~·:*¨`*MIRTH AND LAUGHTER.JOKES .·

by budapest8 - last update: Apr 22, 2006

I will try to post some recent jokes & update them

My daughter Clara at a always open internet cafe i


How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young,
we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside
worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring
that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please,
please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people
from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make
just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take
advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb?
I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on
the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So, the real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner,
and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF

:*¨`*:·~My§ticÄl~·:*¨`* Poem of English




Poem of English

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!


IF YA GOT ANY GOOD 'UNS.....JOKES......THEIR ALWAYS WELCOME

AUSSIE JOKE
A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
man and woman machine

Murphy's Travel Laws



Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Yep.....they come in all shapes and sizes!


A stupid person ( to be politacally correct I changed the wording BLONDE and ESSEX GIRL) walks into a library and asks for a Big Mac, large french fries and a big coke. The person behind the counter says
"Sorry this is a library!" The stupid person responds in a WISPERING VOICE. "Sorry, a Big Mac, large french fries and a big coke.please"


NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

No Problem !!!!!!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down
and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I
come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the
lady indignantly."In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public
places about our sex lives. . . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."

Please if u have any good ùns, send èm over to me email..........
Male Female Shopping Habits
STUPID HAIRCUT

Haircut before a trip


A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?

Hessian Tramp.Hope not 2OTT for conservativeVTers


Hessian Tramp Orcs / Trolls
Common Name: Hessian Tramp, Metal Trash
Scientific Name: Coactus stericula
Geographic Range: North America, Great Britain and Germany
Age: 12-54

Description: This species is noted for its distinctive odor, a curious melange of Miss Clairol, longneck Budweisers, creeper weed and ass. Look for stonewashed jeans, circa 1986, a worn-out tank top and poorly dyed hair.

The home bleach job, coupled with the use of Dial Soap as a shampoo, leaves the mane a dingy orange hue, similar to a discarded pumpkin eight days past Halloween.

Tank tops are always worn, without exception, in any weather. One just never knows when the local metal station will be sponsoring a wet T-shirt contest, and Hell, thirty bucks is thirty bucks. Right?

Mature females, like the one pictured above, will have a fully developed throat wattle and a dense abdomen, known to naturalists as the “pudge”.

Habits: Hessian Tramps are scavengers, carnivores mainly, although French Fries are a major dietary supplement. The fries supply the Hessian with sodium, a nutrient they need plenty of, owing to their excessive sweating.

Much of its income is spent on fast food, no brand cigarettes, metal concerts and BINGO at the local VFW Hall.

A distant relative of the Magpie, the Hessian Tramp shares in the thieving habits of its cousin. It will make off with any shiny object that isn’t nailed down, taking a particular liking to stealing CDs, roach clips and loose change.
Hessian
Ugly Jack

Ugly Jack


Ugly Jack Orcs / Trolls
Common Name: Ugly Jack
Scientific Name: Phantasma nervosa
Geographical Range: Greater Royal Oak
Age: 170
Description: Possibly the ugliest biped known.
Yetis run in fear when they catch a glimpse of his crimson cowboy boots.
These boots are the most noticeable feature on the Ugly Jack.
That is, until you catch a glimpse of that mirror-shattering, soul-destroying,
child-scaring face. A visage of absolute evil. Steven King and Clive Barker have been known to stop in Royal Oak to look at Jack for inspiration.

Ugly has a face, and it's name is Jack.

Habits: Strutting in his sassy, red cowboy boots is what makes Ugly Jack a happy freak. Strutting and looking ugly. This, of course he
cannot help. Or can he? The Ugly Jack is actually the archenemy
of the Noel. Great battles have been fought between the two.

We recently were told of a fight between these two mortal enemies.
Apparently Noel accused Ugly Jack of stealing his medicine and
began delivering a succession of near fatal blows to Ugly Jack's face.

The Ugly Jack believes himself to be a local legend. He may be,
but only in the way that a rabid pitbull is. A rabid, ugly pitbull that
has been dipped in battery acid and fed ground glass and ammonia.

budapest8's Albums
Title [Click to view]Travel YearPictures
MY FAMILY TREE with the strangest of connections!- 7
My Garden in Nagykáta Hungary..Hungarian town life- 8
My travels with my daughter Clara- 8
:*¨`*:·~My§ticÄl~·:*¨`*MIRTH AND LAUGHTER.JOKES .·- 7
Hungarian Hussars- 8
<(•¿•)> Some events and happenings in my life- 

Comments for budapest8 about World
GrantBoone Tue Sep 22, 2009 12:20 UTC
 Thanks mate , Sarande once and Budapest once!
JLBG Sun Sep 13, 2009 19:57 UTC
 Thank you Tim for visiting my Bar, Ulcinj and Stoj pages. I hope that you will soon visit again these places. I am just back from Slovenia. There is a lot to visit there too!
Mikebond Sun Sep 6, 2009 09:24 UTC
 Hi Tim! Thanks for visiting my hp, Boulogne and Bp page. Boulogne is a lovely town, not only ferries! About my Bp tip, it's only the result of a research for a poster in the forum. I went to Bp by train. Thanks for the info, anyway.
lindsaylovestravel Sat Aug 29, 2009 17:45 UTC
 amazing page, wonderful pictures. interesting.
See More Comments

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