Travel Tips

People often come up to me and say, "Major! Would you kindly remove your solartopi as I'm having great difficulty seeing the cinema screen from the seat behind you." But apart from that, they express an interest in what I am reading. Normally this is phrased rather more succinctly, as in "Can't you read mate?" as they point in red faced fashion towards the 'Rules for customers of this Cinematograph'. Frankly, I am always delighted when members of the public enquire as to the scope of my reading. For though I may look dashing, I am more than a man of action. Indeed I am a serious fellow at heart.

"So what exactly Major do you consider a good read?", I hear you say. Well, my mother-in-law's tombstone always gives me great pleasure but it is somewhat heavy and not perhaps to everyones taste. No, what I really like reading are book covers. Much better than the rubbish you normally find inside and usually easier to finish within the hour. So let me treat you to a furtive glance at some of the Victorian and Edwardian tomes found within my leather clad library.

This particular volume, 'Scouts in Bondage' is subtitled 'A story of Boy Scouts in Strange Adventure' and is follows the author's previous classic 'Trawler Boy Dick'. All good innocent stuff, eh what?!

Yet it not be said that the Major is anything but evenhanded! Here we see the disasterous effects upon the local flora and fauna of a frightfully keen pack of girl scout amateur magicians. Note the surly nature of the local garden centre employee keen to ensure that yet another rabbit is prevented for appearing out of their scouting headgear. Pansy protection indeed!

A simple lesson to be learned here I think! Namely that romantic entanglements and moving railway carriages do not mix unless both participants are INSIDE the compartment. With this in mind, the truly compatible lovers should both be of equal social standing so they both afford First Class tickets. Oh, and avoid buying pre-packed cheese and onion sandwiches!

It would be hard for me to count the numbers of times I have been approached by a strange woman and asked, "Major! How on earth have you managed to remain married for so long?" In fact, the strange woman who asks that particular question is my long-suffering wife but let us not dwell upon the matter. For here ladies is the panacea for all your romantic entanglements - a 'How to' book on finding your soulmate.

One can scarce travail the pages of VT without noticing the amount of annoyance caused to females of a singular persuasion by gentlemen - scarcely an appropriate term for the blighters! - of a desperate and furtive inclination. As a bearer of a much admired waxed moustache, I can well understand how you young gals feel. I simply do not want strangers touching it! (Those who wish to, please apply in writing at least seven days in advance)

I shall end by referring ladies to the chapter entitled 'Making the best of a bad bargain', and the advice within a companion volume "Mind where you pick him up!'. Please refer any blackguards to me!

To conclude, I bring you a volume that brings hope to us all, namely 'The Redemption of the Duffer'. Yea verily, I say unto you, is there not hope even for the eaters of the glutinous ochra and wearers of the accursed baseball cap? Well frankly, no! Those blighters deserve what they jolly well get...but I have it on good authority that anyone sporting a waxed moustache is on to a definate winner! Toodle-pip!!

Well actually he doesn't....because there aren't any monsters...just villainous chaps with a few spare atomic missiles knocking around. And yes, I know this isn't a book, it's a Super 8 reel of the 1953 Republic potboiler "Canadian Mounties versus the Atomic Invaders' BUT had there been a book then this would have been the film of it! Rather splendid too don't you think?(Just enlarge the snap for a complete view of the box) Not exactly high tech sci-fi but there's some admirable rifle swinging going on. Oh, it also stars an actor named Arthur Space - how eerie is that?! (Shouldn't that sergeant be put on a charge for losing his hat?)

This American volume is really rather odd. I was initially drawn to it's title of course but it's pithy stuff and pulls no punches. Rather strong stuff for 1932? I shall delve into it's pages from time to time and draw out more scurrilous attacks!!

"The English have been, on the whole, either ruthless adventurer or suave swindlers or simple pioneers or prospectors or smart alecks or insufferable fools".

"Now to America in the past century have been drawn millions who came seeking fortune. Aggressive personalities of every shade have come to our land, and there have become the dominant type. Success is their god...We in America have more powerful fanatics than all the other lands combined..."