"I FIND MYSELF AND EMBARK ON A ..." a Australia Travel Page by Amelei

6 months pass and Emrynn and i are located in a place called Tuntable. After much moving around in our beloved bus, we finally find a place that we simply fall in love with. It is a commune of sorts and very free spirited and humble.

Everyday we work in the garden and tend to our animals. We are still selling our food at the local stores and i am massaging in exchange for things that we need.

The people we live with are down to earth and incredibly warm and welcoming. They offer advice to us on organic farming, bio dynamic farming and are always there to help.

We now have a small shed to add to our growing house of a tipi and bus. The shed is a treat for both of us and we make this into our official kitchen and lounge about area as it is now the middle of summer and the bus is too hot to spend long periods of time in. The shed, although tin, provides much needed relief.

I have a garden now of native plants around the shed and i have managed to create a walk way that windes around. The garden is full of lillies, roses, Australian natives, herbs and further down our lavish food garden.

We are lucky enough to wake every morning to the most spectacular view. I erect a hammock out the front for those lazy afternoons where all you want to do is lay about and soak it all in.

Emrynn is now at TAFE studying organic farming. His life has been changed and he wants to be a farmer and work on the land. I am so happy for him.

I have no idea what i want to do so i continue to work on the farm and have faith that, sometime soon it will hit me and i will know my 'destiny'.

The thing is another year passes, many moons come and go and i still dont know what i want.

I continue working in childcare 3 days a week and tend to the farm for the rest.

Many gatherings are had on the commune in this time. We have now been here 2 years. We have attended many dance parties, taking the bus full of all our crazy friends who we have grown to love very deeply, with us and have danced barefoot all over Australia.

Emrynn has his head locked into studying and becomes more recluse. I dont see much of him anymore. Becasue his family live near where he is studying he decides to stay there for a while as it is a long drive to TAFE everyday. I begin to miss him.

Winter approaches. I am cutting firewood to bring to the shed. Rhana is down with her children, Zeon and Zack and partner Mindes for dinner.We sit and talk about life and love. Emrynn is distant. I am realising more and more subconciously that something is going on but i cant put my finger on it. He is not really here anymore. His spirit floats somewhere where i cannot reach or touch.

Another 6 months pass and i rarely see Emrynn anymore. He is in another space. I am finding it hard to cope on my own. I am running the farm and house, working and cycling to and from town to deliver produce everyday.

I see him one night, he walks in at 10pm barefoot ' Amelei I'm leaving'.
As simple as that he walks away.......

"The earth has received the embrace of the sun and we shall see the results of that love. He put in your heart certain wishes and plans; in my heart, he put other different desires...'

Its over and done
But the heart ache lives on inside
And who is the one youre clinging to
Instead of me tonight?
Where are you now?
Now that i need you?
Tears on my pillow
Wherever you go
Cry me a river
That leads to your ocean
You will never see me fall apart
In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotions
Taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song
But if you Dont come back
Dont come home to me darling
There will be no body left in this world to hold me tight
Or kiss to goodnight
Goodnight my shining star..........

I'm so completely lost...although i knew this was coming. It is hard to believe that after years of us being together he just walks away and never returns.

I stumble out that night under the moon and look upwards... the stinging tears come quickly. My body turns numb, i can't think, i cannot move, i just stared upwards.

Needless to say i didnt sleep that night. I just went over it in my head. I said a silent prayer for Emrynn that he find his way on his journey and i lit a candle and watched the flame.

Weeks went by and i just reclused inwardly saddened by the whole ordeal. I tended to the garden, looked after the cows, still went to town everyday but i could not massage. It didnt feel right in the state i was in. I just did what i had to do to get by and not think.

I was angry some days. Angry that he left me out on my own to look after 40 acres. I tried and tried to make this place work for months but the place was full of 'him'. I could no longer take it.

I took everything down, the tipi, packed the bus, organised someone to drive it and closed that chapter on my life. I closed the door and i cried and cried as i said goodbye. Everyone was so great about it and wished me all the best. Part of my heart will always be on that property.........

2 MONTHS LATER:
Oh what a rollercoaster. I have now moved to another commune and have met Amon. I don't love him, but he gives me time and affection. He lives on a property at Minyon Falls with many other hippies.

He came to me one afternoon with a sunflower and welcomed me. He helped me unpack and made tea as i lay in a small shed that i rented. It was already equipped with all the essentials, a stove, a gas oven. It was very rustic but none the less beautiful. It had one double bed in the corner, a small table 2 chairs, a small wooden bench with shelves an oven and stove with a wondow that overlooked a lavender garden. It was quaint and i liked it very much. I set the ti pi up outside and the bus was still there too. Plenty of space for me.

Amon, regularly visited to help me out. I felt no threat from him, he was pure in spirit and a gentle man. He had dreadlocks, beautiful dreadlocks and he helped me create my own. He sat with me by the waterhole and he rolled my dreads. Took poor Amon 1 week to get them looking reasonable, he would spend hours without complaint, just sitting there talking to me and rolling my dreads.

We made love many times, but i did not love Amon. I suppose in retrospect i was aching and lonely and he filled a spiritual void that Emrynn had left. He knew this and yet i knew there was a bond between us. Given another situation i am sure Amon and i would have been very happy together.

Amon was a dreamer and philosopher. I'm sure he had many lovers but the time i shared with him was so special. He taught me so much about myself and my strengths. He came at the right time to help me through a very difficult period.

Often we would ride my bike into town and sit at the Oasis cafe and listen to poetry and share what we had written. I would lay back in his arms and we would just be, as we were, relaxed among friends and poets sharing their inner thoughts and dreams. I have wonderful memories on nights like these when Amon and I would ride home, skinny dip in the creek at midnight jump back on our bikes and continue cycling home. He was spontaneous and a radiant breath of fresh air. At home reading would continue. Some days Amon would ride to the local library and select books and at night he would read to me while my mind escaped and soared. We would build a fire outside, lay a rug out on the grass and drink chai tea.

So often we would lye under the stars and dream. We would double on the bike to town to sell food. He made me a little cart that i attached to the back of my bike. This made my life SO much easier. Everyday with Amon was full of laughter and a divine love i had never experienced before.

In that whole time he never asked me for anything at all, i think he was just happy to be with me..........

Amon and i are lying one night, talking. The sound of the valley is all around us. The cows are mooing gently and the wind is picking up slighlty. Birds let out a haunting sound and i feel so much better. Amon makes tea and is just so divine to be around. He is everything anyone would want and more and i lay there and watch him.

Amon continued to visit me. His presence was reassuring. He was there in the dark, the shadows and the light. We shared it all. He held me up for a long time and for that i will be forever grateful to him.

We continued to work side by side in the garden. The garden was looking amazing and all the fruit and vegitables were blooming in full form. We now had 3 cows, chickens, roosters, ducks and a neighbours horse.

I met his friends who were all so beautiful and humble. Each morning i would milk the cows, Amon would come to help and we would deliver the milk around to the community. In exchange, Rhia would make bread and swap me, Dion would make cheese from the milk and give it back, and many others would swap wares. See everything worked in circles and i never went without.

Summer came and went, and now we had a full production of sunflowers in. I was selling sunflowers at the markets and local stores. I had more money than i knew what to do with.

We camped in waterholes all over Australia together. We travelled many times, just walking and talking and being in each others presence. we had been together 1year now- just being! Amon never asked anything of me, only to be true to myself.

One night, i heard the familiar sound. He was at his home and was playing his wooden flute. This was a sound i came to love. The sound would travel in deep melodic tones, all throughout the valley. It was one of the most enchanting tunes i had ever heard. It sent me into a trance. I lay there listening.

The next morning i walked the enormous hill to see Amon with milk. He was not there. I never saw him again.

The day Amon died i stopped breathing......
I carried his ashes to the very top of the mountain he called ' Mumma'. I lay my body, with him against the cool earth. I stared vacantly into nothingness. The time had come for me to give Amon away. Selfishly i had held him for too long. It was time he went home to his spirit. If only i had the strength to let him be free. I lay at a complete loss. My heart remained numb. i could not begin to comprehend this incredible dreamlikesituation. My mind would not rest and yet no information could get through. I reamined a shell of hollow nothingness, a replica of my former self. I begin to see myself weeping in utter despair. I see myself laying next to my dear dear Amon, my heart aching, bleeding. I hear myself screaming but no sound is coming out. His name is wailing over and over 'Amon Amon, why why?' i beg in vain. I watch myself falling apart, desperately afraid. The wailing turns into incomprehensible panting. Staring numbly, rocking in agony to the utter emptiness of death. Every vessel in my body weaps the most desperate sorrow.
I contempate jumping off the edge of the mountain. i crawl to its edge and i am suddenly no longer afraid. The agony almost disappears. For a fleeting moment i feel blissfully free. All i have to do is take one more step and this unbearable sorrow will cease. My spirit will become ashes and dance with Amons to all four corners of the earth we we can finally rest with each other. In this moment i realise how in love i was with Amon- he was my soul mate.........
My love to you Amon, always and forever, in truth honesty and simplicity........

In this time i went through every emotion there was.The true meaning of going to hell and back? I went there. i danced with the devil and emersed myself in his playground. My therapist called it a breakdown. I believe i did. My nervous system broke in a million pieces. It shattered and left me homeless. I didnt eat, i couldnt sleep.
Some days when i could get out of bed i would sit in the garden.I would look at 'Mumma' and weap.
One afternoon, the sun was shining unlike any other day. I was in the garden. Everything was alive. For the first time in months i smiled. Everything had the most potent smell, the smell of roses wafted and danced around my nostrils. We didnt grow roses. Call me neurotic, call me desperate, call me what you will. Amon was in the garden. I heard him ' I am here always and forever, never forget me. For every flower that grows one dies. There is no such thing as death. i am more alive now than i have ever been. Be happy that i am no longer a prisioner fo myself. Darling i am free.' From that day forth the tears stopped.

One afternoon i walked picking wild flowers and eating blueberry's. Up on a small plateau was a shack. i walked up to this very run down squalor. No one had been living there for some time. It was empty. I knew i would live there.

I looked around. There was a bathroom, a verandah, a little kitchen that looked out over the veranda, an old pot belly stove. It even had a loft. There was rubbish everywhere but i knew i could bring magic back. There was even a half assed attempt at making a vegitable garden.

2 months later i started work on it and got permission to move there. First thing was first, i gutted the whole house, sanded the floors and opened every door and window to let the fresh air take away previous energy.

I painted the interior in beautiful mustards and blues. I wanted a happy cheerful house. There were rugs on the floor, my paintings on the walls. The kitchen and lounge were open planned looking out over the valley. the lounge was mainly glass. The house, after 6 months of hard work looked stunning. My loft room was transformed into a studio.
My days were coming back to me in melodic rythmn. I began a vegiatable garden and i built a pond. I bought fish and had ducks and chickens again. Food was plentiful and everyone on the community were just so unbelievably wonderful to me. Everyday someone woud come and check i was okay. They all knew Amon and gave the most heartwarming speaches, wishing him all love for his new adventure, somewhere we had never tasted and somewhere i almost did.

By the end of the year i felt strength returning. In this time i met Megan. She moved to the commune and i asked her to move in with me, mainly for company.This period worked out to be a wonderous journey for the both of us.
Megan loved Art and had a deep apreciation for the land.We palnted natives all over the plateau, trees that would attract wildlife, beautiful herb gardens, lavender gardens. We would go hiking and camping. She encouraged me to return to massage and natural therapies. It took years but eventually i did.

Winters came and went, the sun rose and fell with each new day. The birds sang the trees swayed, the vegitables grew, the moon settled and my shack was finally a home. Music played in my heart where i thought it never would again. Megan taught me rythmn. She said to me one day' If your heart beats you have rythmn'. I joined a bellydancing class to prove it

I was involved with a choir and a womens group where i met many beautiful women. We all became so very close and shared all our thoughts over cups of tea

I spent many days with them on my verandah beading, basket weaving and drinking amazing amounts of green tea.They were there for me always and helped me out in some very difficult situations. Forever i will be grateful.....

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

ORIAH MOUNTAIN DREAMER

The women and i become closer and we are enjoying each others company immensly. I miss having the feminine around me and this is yet another side of me that begins to emerge. We spend endless days by the waterholes in that beaming 40deg summer weather. I explore all of nimbin and the surrounding mountains and try to learn as much as i can about the history.

I climb mountains and valleys, endless walking. I camp under the stars deep in the forest on my own some nights. I go walk about just to be in my own presence. I'm learning to enjoy the company i keep.

I now work in a small fruit and vegitable shop and i sell my produce here also. The situatiion is so ideal for me.

Every weekend there are markets still and i continue to sell my wares. I am now getting alittle more experimental and am making baskets and clothing. These dont sell as well as teh fruit and vegitables but i enjoy my creativity and continue with it.

I am still at Barkers Valein my beautiful home.

Oh how my way of thinking and life had changed in the last 5 years. It wasa incredible to think about it all and reflect on all the sponaneous adventures of travelling and exploration.......

Such a perfect day
Drink sangria in the park
And then later when it gets dark we go home
Just a perfect day
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later make love to you
And then home
Its such a perfect day,
Im glad i spent it with you
Oh such a perfect day
You just keep me hanging on
Just a perfect day
Problems all left alone
We can do this on our own
its such fun
Just a pefect day
You make me forget myself
I thought i was someone else
Someone good.

I continue working away now at a Healing centre and i am now massaging professionally for money. I don't like this method so much but i potter about and build a great clientel. The healing centre is in Byron Bay, which is a long way to travel and i am finding myself sleeping in Byron some nights and spending the rest back home I love being close to the ocean and every afternoon i am lucky enough to emerse myself in the water and float about soaking up the sunshines rays.

I attend protests in this time- numerous protests and meetings. I dont consider myself to be overly active but i enjoy the atmosphere. I also volunteer once a month to travel to Byron Bay and involve myself in tree planting and regeneration. This work is so fullfilling and i am enjoying it more and more.

I find the travel to Byron Bay to massage tiresome and i miss spending more time with the women of Nimbin and surrounding areas. The rent each day is really astronomical and i find that my heart is no longer in it for money. I rather like the idea of exchange.

I decide one afternnoon on the beach looking out over the water, that i will leave Byron Bay at the end of the week and go back to 'home' and continue massaging and tending to my now over grown garden. So off i go and i hitch hike back to Nimbin.

Life goes on, many moons pass.With it comes the rain and sun, cold and warm. The plants grow towards the sky , the days get shorter, winter approaches. I am cutting wood and collecting kindling, the winter stack is ready.

I awake every morning and do yoga at sunrise. I still find time to disappear into the mountains.....

That's when a new chapter starts with Kyron, the man that sweeps me off my feet.

He comes to the property to work as a WOOFER (see accomodation page) and i walk over to the communal garden one morning to see him there. He quite literally takes my breath away and i blush like a silly school kid. We work quietly in the garden for hours talking a little.

Weeks pass and he is still here. In this time we have gotten to know each other really well. I take him around Nimbin and play 'tour guide'. We go to the poetry nights which he loves, protesters falls, we climb Wollumbin and camp ouot under the stars at the Border Ranges national Park.

I learn so much about Kyron in this time and i feel myself wanting to know more and more It is crazy i know but i am totally mistfied by this man. He is Maltese.

Kyron stays on for 4 months and we are inseperable. He moves into the house with Megan and i and we start a mad love affair. Megan is so happy for me and very encouraging. There are days though that i feel like im cheating Amon's memory.Megan is quick to step in and tell me to stop loving the fact that i am still grieving. She tells me to stop the circle i am becoming accustomed to.

Everything becomes passionate and alive. For the first time in years I realise my heart is beating for someone again.