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Me - On Stage (1993)

I Used to Be a Punk Rock Superstar

I used to be in a punk band. A damn fine punk band too as a matter of fact, way before punk rock was mainstream, watered-down, and "cool". No, I don't like most of the moden "punk" music, I find it silly and kind of sissy.
I've done enough plugging for my old band on the Internet over the years, so I've decided not to do it on VT and keep it about travel here. If you're extremely interested I could point you in the right direction though, to dark corners on the far reaches of the Web where some of our music still lives and growls and tries to escape like a pissed off Mac truck.

Favourite Writers: JD Salinger, Jack Kerouac, Leonard Cohen, Alexander Pushkin, Ernest Hemingway, Franz Kafka, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Hunter S. Thompson, Herman Melville, Leo Tolstoy, Albert Camus, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, Lao Tsu, Patrick Suskind.

Favourite TV: Lexx, Survivor, Lonely Planet/Pilot Guides, the Kids in the Hall, the Trailer Park Boys, Doctor Who (the new and old series), Homicide: Life on the Streets, the Passionate Eye, Torchwood, the Amazing Race, Heroes, the Longway Round, Race to Dakar, Northern Exposure, the Hilarious House of Frightenstein.

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Me - Tortured Poet (2001)

Favourite Movies: Three Colours (Kieslowski), Lost In Translation, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Edward Scissorhands, Sid & Nancy, Benny & Joon, Under the Tuscan Sun, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of 1000 Corpses, Amelie, Shutter, Nochnoy Dozor.

Favourite Music: 80s, Punk, Reggae, Rockibilly, Ska, Carribean, Sex Pistols, the Clash, Joe Strummer, Ramones, Nirvana, Forgotten Rebels, Q (Los Angeles), Rage Against the Machine, Iggy Pop, Johnny Thunders, Love and Rockets, Bob Marley and the Wailers, Duran Duran, A-Ha, Midnight Oil, Eddie Cochrane, Elvis Presley, Buddy Holly, REM, Bauhaus, Sisters of Mercy, Jesus and Mary Chain, the Specials, Velvet Underground, the Cult, Pulp.

Bands I Like that My Friends Don't: Collective Soul, Sheryl Crow.

Other Favourite Stuff: Having a pint of beer and a cigarette at a pub, doing the same thing on an outdoor patio, travelling, laying around on the beach, exploring foreign places, speaking foreign languages, eating--Italian/Mexican/Russian, all other foods, Guinness, Moosehead, Corona, rum and Coke, red/white wine, listening to live music, Ross Noble, pizza, hot sauce muy picante, jamming with a good band, women in bathing suits--bikinis and one-pieces, talking politics (but not on VT), writing short stories, going to readings, people who are hardworking and honest.

Stuff I Don't Dig: Flying (it's a horrible necessity), people who only know how to talk about work/car/house/golf (unless the car's a classic), rich kids who travel and then brag about everywhere they've been, laws by local councils banning things, short guys that have something against tall guys, blantant corporate greed, people who are patronizing and yell at clerks/waiters/stewardesses, mean drunks, flag burning, racism, xenophobia (including all those Hollywood movies where one white guy kills hundreds of non-whites), people who always say "if you don't like it why don't you go back to [insert stereotyped homeland here]...", Bill O'Reilly, Lou Dobbs, people who think cruising around blasting Whitesnake/John Cougar/ACDC/Aerosmith is still cool, people who care more about their iPods than the music on them, stupid trendy expressions like "all my ducks in a row", billboards, people who idle in their cars, people who leave their cars running while they go do something, people who wait in long drive-through window lineups on hot days, the sound of leafblowers and car alarms, rice pudding, and tapioca.

Stuff I'm Scared Of: Crocodiles, alligators, and zombies.

Stuff That Comes Up More in My Life Than Should be Statistically Possible: Havana (Cuba), Glasgow (Scotland), Ernest Hemingway, Ivanhoe (the knight), Leo women (specifically born on August 20), the first/last/middle name "Kelly".

Stuff I've Learned:
- Never underestimate a complete idiot's ability to figure out the one thing you don't want him to know.
- Never trust cute college girls who ask to borrow your clothes iron and say they'll return it in an hour. You might as well just go buy a new one.
- Never ever, ever trust a guy who doesn't even rinse his hands after using the bathroom. With that hand he would try and shake yours. This is about 84% of men I would say. Ladies--you have no idea! Send in a spy if you have to.
- If it looks as though situations are about to become tense with authorities when travelling, behave like Cosmo Kramer--no cop, agent, or security guard wants to present their boss with a fool.
- I've met top scientists that won't stay in the same room with a microwave oven when it's turned on.
- You are not your job! The graveyards are full of people who thought they were "indispensable" .
- Lighter fluid cleans fingerprints off photos.
- Seatbelts taste really bad.

Kaspian: "Kaspian" is just an easy username that I found wasn't picked yet on most web sites. I was also big a fan of C.S. Lewis' book "Price Caspian" from the Chronicles of Narnia when I was a little kid.

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Me - B&W Portrait (1992)

EgoMania Runs Rampant

So back when I was in college, this kid comes up to me at 8:00 a.m. in the morning and asks if he can take my photo for a "contrast" project he's doing for photography class. I'm tired and grouchy but I say "Sure, I guess". Then he says I have to come with him; this makes me really grouchy--I haven't even finished my first coffee! We go to a room where he's mounted a white sheet against the wall and he takes a couple shots. Turned out kinda neat after all.

Stuff I Invented: You know that little neon-green "UPDATED" symbol that's used all over the Internet? I made that thing! I've been designing web pages since about 1994 and that was one of the first graphics I designed. I made it to match the yellow "NEW" symbol that everybody had been using. Wonder who invented that? I wonder what the Internet would look like if I chose purple for my symbol?

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Band Promo Photo - Ian, Ed, Me (1993)

Good and Evil Flaws in the Personality Fabric:

- I'm really tall, 6 feet 5 inches (196 cm). I have lots of calcium buildups on my skull from bumping my head on things.
- I have to check that my front door is locked several times before being satisfied that it is.
- The same goes for checking the stove to make sure it's off.
- I have a new coffee maker that turns itself off. That's a relief.
- I don't like to use coasters, especially on coffeetables that are worth less than the set of coasters themselves. I've lost relationships over disagreements about coasters.
- I won't take off my boots or shoes in a restaurant of any culture when the waiters are wearing theirs. I find it unfair and almost decked a waiter at the "Afghan Horseman" in Vancouver over it.
- I have a great internal compass and I never get lost on this continent. I say "continent" because when I visited Russia, everything felt exactly backward. I walked into walls. It was the first time I ever had that strange sensation of being "lost".
- I absolutely hate air travel. I'm not scared but I feel like I am trapped, I can physically tell that I way too far off the ground and I feel dizzy like I'm drunk. My internal compass goes completely berserk.
- I can always tell what time it is if I'm outside, within 10 minutes most of the time. I don't wear a watch.
- I won't get a flu shot because I don't trust any drug the government says is "good for me".
- I don't like wearing shorts, they make me feel effeminate. I don't care if other guys wear them and I actually think shorts look very cute on women. However, I'm comfy in my bathers and can wear them all day.
- The same goes for sandals.
- I went for about 10 years without watching any movies because I was convinced they were all garbage (car cashes and uzi gunfights). Luckily, Steven Seagal and Van Damme have since slid in popularity.
- I love the Aesop fable, "The Fox and the Grapes." I think the fox is an absolute hero and the "moral" is completely lost on me.
- People think I'm being sarcastic a lot when I'm not. I have a hard time detecting when Americans are sarcastic, they inflect their voice differently than Canadians do.
- It doesn't seem to matter what channel I'm watching, "Entertainment Tonight" eventually comes on... and I friggin' hate that show.

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Me - Problem Child (circa 1973)

- I try not to have any expectations for events, people, or travel. That way it's never disappointing.
- I'm not impatient and I don't mind waiting in lineups , unless it's to get off an airplane.
- I don't like acid toys, drug paraphernalia , or beer hats. I don't have a problem with substance abuse per se (we're all adults entitled to our own lifestyles), I just think pre-planning for it is goofy. Most classless thing I ever saw: Now ex-girlfriend smoking hash from an old Orange Crush pop can.
- I'm a bad driver and tend to crash vehicles, completely total them, and emerge unscathed. So I take a bus, train, or taxi whenever possible.
- Destroyed vehicle count: 3. People injured as a result: 0.
- I don't like to kill anything, even bugs, unless absolutely necessary. I can't stand dogs that bark all day and all night, I think the owners should be arrested.
- People whose car alarms go off all the time should also be arrested. Same goes for the general use of leafblowers.
- I smoke a half pack of Camels a day and I'd like to cut that back. I know it's bad for me and I know it makes me evil so there's no need for you to recoil in disgust.
- If there are three urinals and one is being used on the right or left, I use the one farthest away from that. Not the one beside the guy! Never trust anybody who uses the center one when there are three empty. Some guys didn't get the rulebook!
- I hate it when I go out with a friend, he goes home drunk, then his girlfriend/fiance/wife calls me a "bad influence." I've never poured liquor down a buddy's throat--he's a big boy and can make up his own mind. What's the harm anyway?

Friendship Requirements:
At one point in my life, I found myself surrounded by completely moronic scumbag friends. I decided to invent some "test questions" to screen a person for potential friendship. They must get all of them correct.
- Name 5 countries in Europe (hint: "Holland" is not a country).
- Name 5 authors that aren't JK Rowling, Stephen King, Dan Brown, Ann Rice, or Danielle Steele.
- Properly pronounce the word "aluminum".
- What is the name of the current president/prime minister/leader of your country?

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Me - Too much nudity! (2002)

Rediscovering the Beach

In 1998 I was completely fried from work! I'd previously worked two full time jobs in Vancouver just to have enough living money, rent cash, and try and save some to get a ticket back to Ontario. When I got back to North Bay I ended up doing one full-time and one part-time just to pay off some debts I'd built while living in Vancouver.
I freaked out! I needed to get away and be taken care of. I'd never been a "resort type" or "sun lover" but needed it this one time to get healthy again and fix my nerves. Punk rockers don't generally hang out at the beach, but I booked a trip to Mexico anyway.
It changed my perspective on everything, it brought me back to when I was a kid and used to hang out at the beach everyday through the summer months. I learned that while hanging out with tough guys and being a pale musician, I had been missing some of the best things in the world: sun, sand, and bikinis. It's funny the things that we forget.

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My Brother's Wedding

The Fam

Back Row: Andrew (my brother-in-law), Kristen (sister), Zoe (sister-in-law), Jonathan (brother), Thomas (grandad), Me.
Middle Row: Christine (sister-in-law), Gregory (brother), Andrew (far right, my cousin).
Front Row: Gary (my dad in the blue shirt), Alice and Laverne (far right, my aunt and uncle).
Missing: My mom. (She was sick that day.)

Despite the number of people in this photo, even my extended family is quite small. I have my mom, dad, grandad, two brothers (Jon and Greg) and a sister (Kristen). All my fellow siblings are married 'cept me. I have 3 cousins on my father's side which I hardly ever get to see.

Personal Philosophies:
- I finally "found myself" when I was about 24. It came in a quick epiphany where I realized that the world and wherever you are at a moment is just a set of geographic coordinates on the ground. London, England isn't any "better" than a town like Burks Falls, population 1000. They're both just places with people in them and it's what's inside those people, who they are, and who they love that matters. And that's all that really matters because in the long run, anything else you get out of our little blue planet is just icing on the cake. At that point I no longer had to impress myself.

On The Important Questions:

- Yes, there was a conspiracy to kill JFK. Lee Harvey Oswald didn't act alone.
- Yes, there are UFOs and life in outer space. Matter of fact, there are constructed bridges on the moon.
- Yes, the moon landing was faked. It was filmed in the deserts of Nevada. The Van Allen Radiation Belts around the earth are too powerful travel through--that's why the Russians never did it.
- Yes, Elvis faked his own death. He's grown a beard, lives in Kalamazoo, Michigan and goes by the name "Jessie."
- No, there is absolutely no such thing as crop circles! Crop circles are the biggest hoax ever perpetuated!!

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Ivania Fancisca (2007)

The Gal in My Life

I'm always talking about helping the poor of the world, so I thought it was about time to put my money where my mouth was and actually do something about it.
I originally wanted to find and sponsor any Mexican boy named "Eduardo", to help repay that country for all the fun I've had there over the years. But the worldvision.ca web site didn't offer any Mexico kids. So, I now have a little girl in El Salvador. Aww... She's cute. ...And kind of grumpy looking.
Reminds me on my sister's expression when she was that age.