There's an almost inevitable point in every solo journey where I find myself struggling with loneliness. It usually happens during a period of somewhat prolonged isolation and always happens at night. Darkness creeps in and brings some unwelcome thoughts, like the appearance of visiting distant relatives you're not too crazy about. I call this the Witching Hour (the loneliness, not the visiting relatives.)
This is where a trip becomes challenging. I can't lie and say its not tough. It gets easier after having dealt with it a few times. But its still a bit tough.
Spending a few nights alone makes my mind wander. Wondering what a life of loneliness would be like. So many years of eating alone, traveling alone and sleeping alone. Don't get me wrong: I love the freedom of solo travel, but when lonely thoughts and fear creep in, staying positive can become a challenge.
I made myself a promise that I wouldn't fear being alone, nor would I let being alone stop me from living life, which, for me, means travel. There's too much magic in the world to waste time wishing for what isn't. At 27, that seemed bold and brave. Nearing 30, its starting to frighten me a bit.
I know I'll continue to travel and enjoy my life if I remain solo. But, sometimes I catch sight of a happy couple and I can't help but wish I could step into that picture.
The baggage is far behind me at this point. I'm past the point of wishing it were a certain person by my side. For a while, I wanted that so badly the pain was almost a physical excruciating ache. Now I just want it to be the right person. The one that I believe exists. But that I may never find.
So, in the throes of the Witching Hour, I wonder what there is out there for me. I believe with all my heart that the love of my life is out there somewhere. But, what if I'm wrong? I've been wrong about so many things, not the least of which, about what my life should be. I'm not even close to the path that I imagined for myself. So, what makes me right about this?
I guess its a matter of trusting my instincts and having faith. I feel like my instincts have been off base for a while. But, maybe I just have to dig in deeper and trust myself more. Like rock climbing; let go of the fear and trust the rope. That's something I've been working on a great deal.
There's a taoist principle called Wu Wei. Loosely translated, its the active art of doing nothing. It boils down to acceptance; being happy with your surroundings and letting whatever will happen simply happen. Its all part of not struggling to bring things in, but attaining peace in giving up the struggle.
So, it comes down to faith and belief. Life, like travel, is knowing that good things lie ahead, down that great Road of our existence. Its not about knowing where or when, but believing that its out there.
So, if you find yourself alone on some dark night with the spectre of the Witching Hour looming large, remember this ancient Taoist principle:
The restless spirit
immersed
in the rush of life
will never find peace.
Only distress.
The spirit frightened of life
escaping
into emptiness
will never find tranquility.
Only despair.
Dwelling
in emptiness
yet living life to the fullest
is true peace. |
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