"Oxegen Festival 2004 - Punchestown (Part I)" County Kildare Travelogue by DavyDoug

Line-up for the Trip:

Nick a.k.a. Floppy (Cardiff, Prague & BOWC)
Dave a.k.a. Flamin Gala (Me)
Laura (New female banterteer #1)
Sheila (New female banterteer #2)

Also, special guest appearances by:
QQ Morgam
QQ Morgam's bird (Fiona)
QQ Morgam's birds' mate (Orla)

Note: The more observant amongst you will have noticed a new equal opportunities side to bantering on this occasion, with the introduction of 2 fulltime laydee banterteers. Let's take a moment to welcome them to the banter diary fold, with 3 fascinating facts about each:

Laura "Get off me Gala!" Rodham -
1. Likes men with big hands.
2. Owns a car called Ernie.
3a. Favourite joke of all time is - "Two monkeys in a bath. One says to the other 'Ooh, eeee, aah, aah'. The other one says, 'If it's too hot for you, just get out'"
3b. Dances like a monkey, allegedly.

Sheila "Mediocre at best Dave" McCarthy -
1. Doesn't trust anyone who has a surname that can also be a forename (e.g. David Douglas), except Craig David, whom she worships.
2. Claims to have invented the Beer Official European Championship (this is however pure fiction, and all in her head)
3. Hobbies include: drinking free beer, winning free access to practically every music event in Norn Iron/Ireland (including this festival (apparently it's important that I mention this?)) baking, and poking innocent people in the face with sharp sticks.

Friday 9th July 2004

I was to be collected by Nick at 1pm to start our journey to the festival, so had all morning to get ready, pack my stuff and be extremely well organised for the first time ever on a banter trip. Despite my rigorous planning and Nick being 15 minutes late, I was still squeezing stuff into my bag as he arrived.
Once we'd forced everything into the car, I got in and was about to start bragging about the 2 compilation CD's I'd tirelessly put together for the weekend, when I was distracted by a lot of paper lying around the passenger seat area. After further inspection I realised that Nick had also put together a few CD's, well nine actually, with full colour copies of the track listings for everybody...in handy wipe clean polypockets! (Well to be fair, there is nothing worse than a badly stained full colour track-listing sheet) He'd also taken the trouble of drafting small pocket sized maps, with the line-ups for each day of the festival on the reverse?...AND detailed directions for the two cars travelling down! All right Nick, no one likes a show off mate!

Introducing female banterteer Laura

Anyway, off we went to a shopping centre, just outside Belfast, to get our food and drink for the weekend. I took this opportunity to buy some suitably high factored sun tan lotion, as when I'd been at the festival 2 years previous, I managed to get myself so badly burnt I was only recognisable by my dental records. We then made our way to meet Laura and Sheila at the traditional meeting spot of McDonalds (half an hour late due to our slow shopping skills). A quick bit of late lunch was taken, with Sheila insisting that the staff bring her meal to the table for her on a fancy platter (how the other half live). While we ate, we discussed previous festivals we'd all been to and I mentioned that I hadn't really enjoyed my last one (also my only one) and had complained quite a bit during it. So I made a promise to everyone that I wouldn't complain at all for the duration of the weekend (except to Sheila, cos I knew she would take great pleasure in doing stuff to try to get me to complain, so she could wind me up about it. She's a devious piece of work that McCarthy one) It was then back to the cars, Nick generously giving Laura a spare copy of his directions, and off we went.

Just outside Dublin, Nick decided it would be a good idea for a toilet stop. A random country lane was selected. Despite not really needing to go I was urged to by Nick, in a maternal "You won't get another chance for a while" type way. I took his advice on board, but to no avail. I only mention this because after getting back into the car I realised that the hedge I'd selected wasn't exactly leafy, and there was some sort of country house not too far away on the other side. Basically I'd just been standing with my lad out exposing myself at the end of someone's garden behind a transparent hedge. Really need to be more observant in future.
Once we were back on the right road, Nick told me to get the directions out of the glove box as we were starting to get to the bit of the journey he didn't really know.
"There's no directions here," I informed him "but could I interest you in a full colour track listing of your 9 cd's, in a handy wipe clean polypocket?"
"No. It's got to be there somewhere, look over there"
"There's no directions here, but could I interest you in a handy pocket sized map with festival line-up on the reverse?"
"Ah ****"
"You gave both sets of directions, in a handy wipe clean polypocket, to Laura then?"
"Emmm, yes, yes I did"
A quick phone call to Sheila would sort us out, then we'd be right back on track. It wasn't the best news when Sheila's mobile went straight to voicemail, nice message mate, but fortunately Plan B, texting her, worked. Some impressive work by Sheila got the info transferred in no time. I don't think my request for directions was totally welcomed in the other car, as it interrupted the great time the girls were having road-kill spotting. Nice.
The rest of the journey went reasonably to plan, Nick completely ignoring my directions at one stage and going with his instincts and ending up with a skilled shortcut. The incessant signs for "Poga's Wonderland Goffs" (answers on a postcard if you know what a "Goff" is?) tempted both cars, but both cars resisted. And we made it to the campsite car park with the convoy fully intact.

Sheila, and her hands.

Our plan was to just grab a few essentials (i.e. beer and tents) and take them to claim our camping spot, throw up the tent and then go back to the car and get the rest of our stuff at our leisure. Shouldn't really take much more than an hour or two. Natural leader Nick (see Prague trip) led us to our camping spot. Unfortunately due to the hugeness of our tent it took us, what seemed about, 5 - 6 hours of walking (not that I was complaining, obviously, just an observation), to find a spot that could accommodate us. But when we did, Nick sprung into action and basically single handedly put up the 8-man tent. I tried to help initially but quickly realised I was more effective at opening the beers and making tent erection innuendos. The girls got Sheila's playtent up pretty quick so were able to help with the important business of making innuendos too. With both tents up, we took some time to relax and have a few beers. Sheila also generously presented me with a lovely book/pamphlet on world beer for future BOWC events, which I'll treasure forever. Then after a while Nick wisely suggested that the ladies (Laura and Sheila) go back to their car and get some stuff, and that we'd go when they'd got back. While they were away we realised that the QQ Morgam party of 3 hadn't contacted Nick yet, so after a lot of failed calls, contact was eventually made and a meeting arranged. When Sheila and Laura made it back from the car (after about 2 hours?) Nick and myself set out to get our stuff and find QQ.
Our mission went to plan and we found them with relative ease and the five of us made our way back to the tents.
The rest of the night was spent blitzing, talking sh!te and mocking some of my excellent musical selections.

Saturday 10th July 2004

I can't say for sure what time I woke, but I'd guess somewhere around the late morning stage? For the record, Nick, QQ and myself stayed in the "Rod Hull Memorial Suite" and QQ's bird and mate stayed in the "Jamie Oliver Suite". As far as I remember QQ and Co. left shortly after I woke (I don't remember seeing the QQ Morgam party at any stage after this till Monday morning) and I chose to announce to the rest of the group that I was awake, through the obvious medium of blasting out the Jim'll Fix It theme tune. Greatly appreciated by all.
Once everyone was up, a breakfast of bacon rolls (I observed how they were a bit dry) and beer was enjoyed. The gender divide was made apparent by the fact that the women had everything they needed in their tent and were ready to go to the concert area, while me and Nick needed to return to the car to wash, get food and get drink.
After an hour or so at the car, drinking quite heavily (Southern Comfort being my tipple of choice), we readied ourselves to head in to the concert area. I topped up my bottle with SC and a splash of coke, and stashed it in my back pocket along with a can of harp before we got to the security barrier.
Despite a reasonably strict search in the way in, I managed to smuggle my drink in. Well, I smuggled it about 2 metres in, and then my slightly comical waddle (due to the drink in back pockets of fairly tight jeans) attracted the security people's attention and they dragged me back. The bloke took my "coke" and asked if there was any alcohol in it. I told him there wasn't. He smelt it. He laughed. Nick having successfully evaded capture with his one beer was quickly pointed out by his friend (yeah that's me) and was soon escorted to the wrong side of the concert gate. We were told to go and finish our drink before we'd be allowed in. So we stood by the barrier while I downed far too much Southern Comfort, far too quickly, and Nick downed his harp. I think it's fair to say that this was probably a major factor in my resulting actions that day.

Nick - the money shot.

With drinks finished and entrance permitted, we went and met up with Laura and Sheila (at the international meeting point of "left side of the stage") who were watching Franz Ferdinand on the Main Stage. They had seen the Scissor Sisters before that and really enjoyed them, insisting that I mention that they would recommend them to a friend. After a food stop (at some sandwich place I've been told?) we went to watch Snow Patrol on a different stage, I think? It was here that Laura kept falling over and dragging me down with her. She also kept grabbing my right boob in the process of trying to stay upright! Actually, you may want to swap about the words "me" and "Laura" in that last bit. I genuinely have no memory of this, but "fortunately" Nick was on hand to capture the moment with several photographs. Looking at the photo's it's hard to describe the expression on Laura's face. I'd like to say...delight? Perhaps? Perhaps not.
I believe I also have Sheila to thank for apologising to random blokes I was accidentally knocking into in my exuberance, who may have wanted to hurt me. She also tried to force feed me apples to help sober me up?
Hence, to sum up...Laura, very sorry...and Sheila very grateful.

Our next stop was the dance arena to see the Complete Stone Roses. Yeah, basically zero memory of this bit, which is annoying, as I love the Stone Roses. But I do have it on good authority from Sheila that they were brilliant and I was loving it.
Next, I believe, Nick and I were told to wait somewhere while the girls went to the toilet. This, one way or another, didn't happen and is where the group split up for the rest of the day. The blokes going to watch the strokes, and the birds to see N.E.R.D.
I think it's fair to say by this stage I was getting a bit tipsy. There, I've said it. However I do have memories of absolutely lovin' The Strokes and randomly shouting "Up the Dubs!" (A phrase that I had heard incessantly at the last festival I was at near Dublin, and had irritated me. So in my newfound capacity as a non-complainer, I merely turned this phrase to my advantage...) combined with a punching of the air, at quite a few indiscriminate people (I'm not proud). Even remember turning to Nick and saying "I'm acting like that annoying bloke that people have to stand beside at concerts and absolutely hate...But I don't care...Up the Dubs!" (Again, I'm not proud). Nick's also informed me that I was on his shoulders at one stage, and he had to work pretty hard to control my drunken swaying. You've gotta remember that he was also fairly pissed so deserves praise for his blocked bloke balancing ability. A skill rarely given the recognition it deserves.

Meanwhile over on the Ticket Stage Sheila and Laura were enjoying N.E.R.D. - 50% for the music and 50% for Pharrell Williams with his top off. They went on to the dance arena for the Chemical Brothers and got to showcase a variety of dance routines. I believe these included: Laura's marching (along her traditional route) and helicopter arms; Sheila's shake downs and beat count in's. Apparently they were dancin', you know, reeeaaaaallllly dancin'. Basically they both looked off their heads, thus blending into the crowd.

After the Strokes, we made our way to the New Band Tent 'cos I wanted to see The Killers. On the way we met 2 girls from Belfast (I probably shouted my catchphrase at them). I'd love to be able to tell you their names, but I've absolutely no idea. One was blonde, and one was a brunette. That's the best you're gonna get. As far as I remember (that statement effectively negates anything succeeding it) they hung about with us for a good while, and I was getting on well with the dark haired one. But then something happened. I have one clear memory of her face suddenly dropping and her dragging her mate away. I dunno what I said, but I do remember being a bit surprised, but finding it quite funny whatever it was. God bless the Douglas charm.

Me looking like the happiest man alive

Anyway, back to the music. We arrived early to see The Killers so got to see Hope of the States first. Again, not wanting to labour the point, I don't totally/at all remember HotS, but am reliably informed that they were good and I did enjoy them.
I'm delighted to report that I recall quite a bit from this point on. The Killers came on and were quality, though I do recollect in my drunkenness thinking that a lot of the songs sounded the same. I made a new friend who was in a similar state to myself and we randomly shouted "Up the Dubs!" together. I was truly living the dream.
Then proceedings took a turn for the worse as I gradually began to get a more and more painful left leg, until finally I was struggling to stand. Ok, so I found myself in a slight quandary. I was effectively paralysed down the lower left side of my body, but The Killers hadn't played Mr Brightside yet (my favourite song), so I couldn't leave or sit down just yet. There was only one thing for it...grab hold of my "Up the Dubs!" new best friend and use him as a human crutch and bounce/hop away singing and occasionally shouting our personal mantra. After Mr Brightside (as good as the last song, predictably) I dragged myself over to Nick and announced to him that I couldn't walk. Nick initially thought that I wasn't being literal, but then as I was clinging onto him realised that yes, yes I was. He helped me out of the tent, with me desperately trying to look casual and cool despite clutching onto him for dear life and with a huge comedy limp. Nick put me down somewhere and ordered me not to move, I reassured him that I couldn't if I wanted to, while he went and got me a hot dog and a cup of tea.
Slowly the gift of movement returned to my leg, along with some massive relief.
It's safe to say that without Nick's help I would have been totally lost, so I am extremely grateful for all his help during my foray into the world of physical disability.
We then walked/comedy limped towards the car park, stopping for a minute along the way for some randomer to borrow my phone, and for me to reply to a text message I'd gotten from my mum hours earlier. Nick was worried what I might write, encase I'd regret it in the morning. Think he had visions of; "Hi Mum, everything's fine, the weather's a bit damp...Oh, and I just got semi-paralytically drunk and spent 3 hours shouting Up the Dubs at randoms". In the end I produced "Everythimg's fine. Concept's ok". Not bad, not bad at all.
After we'd made it to the car, I was keen to return to the campsite, but Nick didn't think I was up to the journey, so convinced me that we should just kip in the car.