"Coffee Time Humour..." by reeka

I got an email at university today containing choice writings taken from medical and nursing notes!

Here goes....

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

* On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it had completely disappeared

* She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states that she was very hot in bed last night

* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983

* I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious

* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing

* I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed

* Discharge status: Alive but without permission

* Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful

* The patient refused an autopsy

* The patient has no past history os suicides

* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully

* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital

* She slipped on the ice and apparently he legs went in separate directions in early December

* The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints

* The patient is disabled with a wife from Portsmouth

* Patient arrived by avalanche

* Odor of alcohol on breast

* Patient stable all morning, in asystole

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function

* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician who breathed and cried immediately

* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

* The skin was moist and dry

* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid

* The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch

* Ste stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce

* Between you and me we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant

* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy

* Patient was alert and unresponsive

* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles

* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation

* She is numb from her toes down

* Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot

* While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home

* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

* The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches

* Coming from Detroit, this man has no children