"Wealdstone, the spiritual home of the... " a Wealdstone Travel Page by mwe

Wealdstone is to the TOG's what Mecca is to muslims. Every TOG should visit Wealdstone at least once in their lives. The ideal time is that rare weekday at 8am when the leader of the TOG's, the Togmeister, is not on one of his frequent extended holidays (when every good TOG should also take their less frequent, shorter, less exotic holiday), or fulfilling his irreplaceable role as Britain's cultural ambasssador to Europe at the annual Grand-Prix du chanson & the Togmeister is broadcasting alongside Wealdstone's famous celebrity resident Deadly "the voice of the balls" Allencoat.
If you tune your car radio to 88-91FM on the select days when the Togmeister broadcasts, you will know when it is 8am by a distinctive time signal of crashed pips (Icelandic radio, by contrast, never crashes pips, the wearing of PVC trousers, as exemplified by Iceland's 1997 Eurovision Song Contest entrant Paul Oscar is thought to improve timing skills. Beige slacks are said to impair timing).

If Deadly is not broadcasting as the Togmeister's assistant when you make your pilgrimage to Wealdstone, you may care to keep an eye open for him at one of his haunts in Wealdstone:
The Snorkerama cafe, the Hamarama delicatessen & the Grigot-rama off-licence.
Deadly is a large, middle-aged man with thick glasses. He generally wears a beige cardigan, with distinctive silver inlays in the sleeves.
Deadly sometimes wears a dirty raincoat, especially when he hangs around outside the Leatherama adult & alternative clothing shop, swigging from a bottle of Pinot Grigot & shouting slurred phrases like "Don't you know who I am?", "I'm the voice of the balls" & "I'm the Togmeister's right-hand man".
Celebrity spotters in Wealdstone may also be treated to a glimpse of Jean (either pronounced the French way, or the girl's way: he takes it either way) Marsh on one of his frequent visits to the Fop-a-rama regency, dandy & new-romantic clothing specialist & the Shed-a-rama Garden Centre, which offers free delivery as far away as Sussex.

I have my own VT handle, but am in fact C.Lyons of the Wealdstone Aquarama. I live at the Home for the bewildered, Cliff Barnes Way, Wintondale, Reading.
I have had a distinguished nautical career on the Tri-Angle North Sea ferry & I am a former keeper of the Northampton Lighthouse.
I would love to visit southern California to see if Petrocelli ever finished his bungalow & I'd like to ride a motorcycle from Barton-under-Needwood to Stowmarket, to re-create the trip made by Tee-Hee Lawrence.

Wealdstone has a highly-regarded further education establishment, the Wealdstone Polyrama. It does a highly regarded degree course, based in the Polyrama's Johnny Logan Lecture Theatre, on European songs & music. Lecturer Neil Pwann examines the differences in British & European attitudes to songs, dance & music.
The Polyrama also offers courses to businesses, such as assertiveness training offered by Professor Euan Uzami.

Historic documents, written in the dark ages by Wealdstone's Abbey-rama monks (on the site of the Bank-a-rama) show the land around present-day Wealdstone was owned by the King of Cardigan (aka Lord of ye olde Wealdftone Manot-rama). The climate was a few degrees warmer than today, so he had vineyards on his land.
Neglected, far-flung parts of the vineyards attracted people having affairs. Unfaithful women were called "Jezza Vines" & their activities were described as "Currant affairs".
The main contact with the world beyond Wealdstone was the man who looked after the horses of travellers: known in the local dialect as a Steed-Wright. He employed a Tin-Smith and an old woman. They would go around Wealdstone in the afternoons announcing news, facts & weather information gathered from travellers during their busy mornings. They began their broadcasts with fanfares, whistling, whooping & clapping.

Beer was made in Wealdstone in the dark ages, using metallic vessels called "Can Brews". Pottery from Norfolk was used: these articles were called "Lynn Bowls".

People spoke differently in the dark ages: daughter was pronounced "dotta" around Wealdstone. Girls around Wealdstone were employed to mow grass. They were only allowed to work weekend mornings and were known as "Mo Dottas".

Portraits of the King of Cardigan survive to this day. One such painting is in the Harrow Council building. People who see it remark on the resemblance of the King of Cardigan to Hollywood actor George Clooney & his eyes are said to follow people around the room.
Wealdstone, in the dark ages, had its own Nostradamus: a fortune teller by the name of Claire Voyant, whose utterings seemed confused & made predictions that seemed to talk in riddles when she made them, but came very clear in time. Many locals thought she was a barmy old biddy who couldn't even predict the name of the following day & they decided to test her by showing her a picture of the King of Cardigan & asking her to identify him. She replied with two words "Wo" & "gan" & got strange looks & guffaws from her interrogators. ...When they asked "Where is he from?" ...She replied "Ireland". ...This provoked more laughter & ridicule. However, her detractors were forced to concede she was indeed a visionary when the people of Wealdstone were in "woe" because the Lord of their Manor lost his land & his castles in Wales & had "gone" to Ireland.

The Wealdstone hierarchy saw Miss Voyant had a gift: it seemed she could indeed forsee the future & was summoned before the town's fathers so they could apologise for ridiculing her. At this meeting, Miss Voyant looked at the King of Cardigan's portrait & made futher odd remarks. She said "When he utters his first word, there will be no fields visible through the windows of this building" and made a further prediction: "In the year 2007, a lady enveloped from head to ankle in a pink, rustling, down-filled garment shall announce to the nation that mayhem has been caused in a quarter of England by the depositing of a quarter-inch of snow in January".
Further strange predictions by the Wealdstone 'Nostradamus' include: "In the 21st century, when a carriage doth topple over upon the road to Marylebone, the carriageway shall close for many hours to ensure elfin safety" and "To the west of London, an elevated carriageway shall be built with a special lane for vehicles which doth remain invisible".

A true TOG will remember the days when Weadstone was all fields & the era before Alexandra Palace began TV broadcasts began in 1936, when there was literally "nothing on the telly".
In the 1920s &'30s it was built-up into the Wealdstone we know today.
In futuristic, cutting-edge art-deco and Mock Tudor suburbia, almost every shop & service had the "rama" suffix to link Mock Tudor with the real Tudor Manot-rama. This is not exclusive to Wealdstone: it exists in the neighbouring suburb of Northolt.
Before your Wealdstone pilgrimage you could visit Northolt's Swimarama. It has a park-a-rama (carpark) & is next door to the Cop-a-rama (police station).