"UNdER CONSTRUCTION - CHECK BACK LATER" Top 5 Page for this destination Miami by Homanded

Miami Travel Guide: 1,260 reviews and 2,922 photos

Place where we call home
Until then, tips inside, feel free to browse!

Handy guidelines for living in South Florida:

THE SOUTH FLORIDA CODE

When giving directions in South Florida, you should always start with the words, Take I-95 to. . . .

If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6am and 10am and 4pm and 7pm. This is considered to be rush hour and you're not in any rush. No exceptions.

Some roads just stop for no reason and then start again: Congress Avenue, Lyons Road, Jog Road. Freeways can only go north and south. Not east and west.

A1A and ALT A1A are the same streets.

Traffic Lights aren't timed and never will be.

You know how to drive 80 mph and you know how to drive in bumper to bumper traffic? Now do both at the same time.

We measure the distance you travel in time not miles.

If you travel more than 15-20 miles on any road in South Florida without seeing an orange Bob's Barricade, you're not in Florida. You're lost!

I-95 is a parking lot not a freeway.

When your body height becomes 4 inches below the steering wheel get acquainted with Palm Tran train.

If you miss your exit on I-95, its NOT acceptable to back up or cut everyone off trying to get over in time, just go to the next one, I promise you can turn around and get off in the other direction.

Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection.

Know the difference between Sun Pass, Sun Fest, Sun- Sentinel, and Sun Trust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.

Your blinker means nothing.

English is our second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.

It is totally acceptable to be living in South Florida but not root for The Dolphins, The Marlins, The Heat or The Panthers. But you could at least pretend in the presence of a native

We have alligators here in South Florida and they WILL bite you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

Clematis is a street not a disease.

When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, beer, and potato chips.

Northlake Blvd and Okeechobee Blvd are where you buy a car.

You know how to spell Okeechobee.

Do NOT buy a boat. Make friends with someone who already owns a boat. That way you don't have to deal with the headaches.

There is an Okeechobee Blvd, Street, Avenue, a town, a lake and a county.

You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that everyone else moved here.

There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on almost every corner - with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach, look for Adams apple.

You can never be as tan as News Channel 5's Jim Sackett.

The Amphitheater at the Fair Grounds will change names about every 4 years.

It's perfectly normal to string up your Xmas lights in December while wearing shorts and a tank top.

Jupiter is a city not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays. Not weeknights or weekends - that's for the working folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, flipper, and also one called a football team.

You can't say; "this is how we did up north", if you think that way then GO BACK !

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never be able to figure out your property taxes.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside but inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.

There are three things you will need to survive a south Florida winter: A long sleeved T-shirt, sunscreen and restaurant reservations that you make at least three weeks in advance. The same neighbor who smiles at you every day will be the first one to rat you out if your are violating water restrictions

  • Intro Updated May 21, 2011
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Reviews (64)

Comments (32)

  • Ina08's Profile Photo
    May 20, 2012 at 11:08 PM

    I just came across your South Florida code and am still holding my sides laughing. Thank you for some hilarous tips, I needed that this morning!

  • GracesTrips's Profile Photo
    Apr 18, 2012 at 9:25 AM

    Homer, Great tips on Miami! I will be visiting for the first time this July and looking forward to it!

  • gwened's Profile Photo
    Feb 15, 2012 at 11:49 AM

    awesome Miami page, and very funny and true anecdotes.

  • jelw's Profile Photo
    Feb 23, 2011 at 8:18 PM

    Thanks to you and Ed my Homes. I do wish we were within stumbling distance!

  • Andrew_W_K's Profile Photo
    Aug 31, 2010 at 12:10 AM

    You watched too much Steve Irwin when he was alive mate.

  • Tom_In_Madison's Profile Photo
    Jan 9, 2010 at 7:36 AM

    I see the sun peeking over the distant trees, trying to make it's usual ride thru the sky, hoping that it's warm rays can burn thru the fog and darkness that settles over this city in January, and I ask, is it cold where you are?

  • uglyscot's Profile Photo
    Dec 13, 2009 at 9:21 AM

    Great advice. Tips scared me, but as I know I;ll never get to Miami didn;t spoil my virtual tour.

  • goodfish's Profile Photo
    Nov 11, 2009 at 2:42 PM

    Positively hysterical page. I've been to Miami once. In July. Immersed to my nose in the pool from 9 AM until 7 PM. Hottest place I've ever been but with the best gelato I've ever had - including Italy's!!!

  • doug48's Profile Photo
    Sep 25, 2009 at 6:43 AM

    your miami page proves you live in south florida, great job ! doug

  • TennisStudMan's Profile Photo
    Aug 28, 2009 at 11:49 AM

    Do you know rayd? is he gay? i posted something in his misc post and he won't leave me alone!

Homanded

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