London Tourist Trap Tips by planxty

Petticoat Lane market in London is the one I'm referring to. Early every Sunday morning, come rain or shine, tour busses disgorge hordes of tourists in search of bargains. Actually, what they are in search of generally is an idealised London market full of "colourful cockney characters" a la Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins.

Sorry, it's not going to happen.

Very few of the stallholders now are Londoners, and the goods on offer are just shoddy tat. It used to be good years ago, but not now.

It is generally overcrowded and plagued by pickpockets and beggars most of the time.

I live near there and, believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

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At Least Do This: Do not carry a handbag or shoulder bag - it's an invitation to thieves.

Do not set anything down by your feet to look at the stalls or whatever, it'll go walkabout.

If you are carrying a wallet or purse (pocketbook in the US?) keep it in a front or inside pocket.

Do not eat anything from the hot dog / burger stalls on the periphery of the market. they are unlicensed and a recipe for food poisoning.
Alternative: Portobello or Greenwich markets are probably better bets. Camden market is OK, but gets terribly crowded on Sundays.

Best of all, about five minutes walk away is the Spitalfields covered market, which is great. See my Off the beaten Path page for details.

At any market, all the above tips apply.

Update - 23/07/2006 - the place is currently closed for a refurbishment. I'll post back here when it re-opens.

I was very much in two minds as to whether to include this as a general tip or a tourist trap - it's the Prospect of Whitby pub in Wapping.

Certainly, it has a very long a interesting history, the interior is very "Olde Worlde" including a pewter bar top. It is said that Judge Jeffreys, the Hanging Judge much despised by the populace in the 17th century was a regular here, and was captured prior to bing taken to the nearby Tower of London and executed.

The bar has great views over the river and a small balcony to stand on (it has been known to collapse in the past!). Sounds great.

The reason I have included it as a tourist trap is that is, by definition, what it is. In the evenings, especially in the summer, you can't get near the bar for the busloads of tourists that have been deposited there for an hour or so. If you are happy trying to have a quiet drink with camera flashes going off everywhere, this may be the place for you, but it's not my thing. I live within ten minutes walk of the place and very rarely use it.

The food, expecially in the upstairs restaurant, is expensive.

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At Least Do This: Go early in the day, early afternoon isn't too crowded.
Alternative: Either the Town of Ramsgate pub about 15 minutes walk away in Wapping High Street, or, for a real East End local, try Turners Old Star at 14 Watts Street, London, E1W 2QG.

The trap referred to here is the Clink museum in Clink Street, SE1 on the site of a medieval prison. Purely in the interests of VT research, I went there one day this week. Actually, I'd fancied a look round it for ages.

I paid my £5 entry and was very disappointed. There are a few rather uninspiring tableaux, it's small and much of the historical information is regurgitated in display after display. They haven't even bothered to check the grammar and spelling on the display descriptions. I spotted a number of errors.

There are very few exhibits directly connected to the site, most are of the "this is the type of X, Y or Z that may possibly have been used in this area" variety.

Whilst it's not particularly scary for any but very small or nervous children, parents should be advised that there are a couple of displays detailing the execution of a bishop for homosexuality and another detailing making illegal of "the vice of buggerie", There are also numerous references to prostitution and brothels.

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At Least Do This: Just don't go.
Alternative: Any one of the (free) proper museums is better. If you must have your dose of ghosties, ghoulies and things that go bump in the night, try the London Dungeon instead, it's relatively nearby.

There are several chains of supposed Irish pubs in London (and indeed all over the UK) which really irritate me. They all have names like Molly Malone's or Finnegan's Wake, or the ubiqitous O'Neill's chain.

As pubs, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, but the fake "Irishness" really annoys me. I lived in Northern Ireland for 28 years, and they are nothing like any pubs I knew. I certainly never saw a pub with a bicycle nailed to the roof!

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At Least Do This: You don't have to drink in them. If you want to drink in an Irish bar, either go to Ireland or find out where the Irish people drink wherever you are. I guarantee you it won't be an O'Neills.

I happened to be walking past this bureau de change yesterday, and the exchange rates seemed very poor to me. It is the one directly opposite the ffront of Kings Cross Station.

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At Least Do This: Only change a small amount if you have to and look round for better rates elsewhere.

I suppose if you had extremely limited time in London (perhaps only one day) the tour buses which abound may offer a service. they follow set routes, and have a hop on / hop off policy so you can get off as and when you like. they do also offer either a live or recorded commentary.

At a typical priice of £20 per adult for a 24 hour ticket (Big Bus Company) it is certainly not a cheap option. A little research done before you come to London will net you the same experience for a fraction of the price on ordinary public transport.

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At Least Do This: You don't have to do it. See my alternative suggestion.
Alternative: The alternative is to buy a travelcard for London Transport, either bus and / or tube. This has the advantage that you can also visit the numerous less visited attractions that are not on the standard bus tour route, so you also get to see a bit more of the city that way.

Have a look at my London transportation tips (specifically the "Plan it" tip) for a link to a complete route planner.

The term tourist trap could have been coined for this place, because that is all you ever seem to see in it. The Dickens Inn in St. Katherine's Dock is the most overpriced pub in a city that's fairly full of overpriced pubs. It tries to exude an atmosphere of being "Olde Worlde" when in fact it is only about 30 years old. Admittedly, the setting is nice, but I really don't like this place at all.

Should you decide to eat there, that will cost you a small fortune as well.

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At Least Do This: If you have to go (and you really don't) take lots of money!
Alternative: There are a few good pubs nearby, including some that have genuine history behind them. About ten minutes walk away is the Town of Ramsgate pub which is hundreds of years old and absolutely reeking with riverside history.