Meter Taxis from the Airport and other Bangkok, Thailand Transportation Tips

'Mode': TO
Category: Car/Motor Home
Getting TO/AROUND: Most people arrive in Thailand via Bangkok’s Don Muang International Airport, 20 kilometres north of the city centre. There are two inter-national terminals. However , the principle is exactly the same in each terminal.

1. Out of Customs

2. TURN LEFT

3. Past the counters within the passengers only area (changing money here is okay for the rates)

4. Pass the lasses in the area where all the greeters are – outside the rails, smiling and snacking away. They may attempt a fast one on you, often they are selling an unofficial cab / limo.

5. Go for PUBLIC TAXI METERS exit. They are in a rank outside the automatic doors (ON YOUR RIGHT AS YOU PASS THROUGH THE GREETERS AREA) A booth is at the end of the queue dishing out tickets that give you contact details of who to contact if you have a problem (nice touch).

Taxi drivers are only permitted to pick up passengers at these authorized stands and they are not allowed to offer their services to passengers in the terminal building.(So no nipping up to arrivals and expecting a shorter queue – unless you only have hand bags - guess who does this all the time?).

Fares to Silom around 200 THB in total, Sukhumvit about the same. You pay an extra 50 THB on top of the meter fare. It's standard procedure – it's for lost time waiting at the airport.

Trips to Silom / Sukhumvit take anything from 30 mins to 1 hour depending on the time of day and weather.

Add on around 40 THB for expressways. You pay for these while you are still in the cab at the toll booth (tell the taxi to use the expressway – it’s worth it, believe me.)

No excess / number of bags fees.

Tips of around 20THB will keep the driver happy.

Have small notes ready, 20THBs and 100THBs. Often they can't break a 500 THB or a 1000THB.

Driver? ...guaranteed to know all the latest football scores and transfer market goings on.

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'Mode': AROUND
Category: Car/Motor Home
Getting TO/AROUND: Taxi Altars Thailand's answer to spiritual road insurance. A cab ride may be a near death experience: often it's a religious experience.

Picture this... The driver has both hands off the wheel, is bowing his head in respect, is delivering a "wai", and you're doing 30 mph round the Erawan Shrine.

Do not fret. Inside older taxis, (owned by the driver as opposed to the newer cabs owned by conglomerates) we get steering wheels wrapped in coloured scarves, amulets superglued to the dash, and temple blessings plastered all over the ceilings. All are self designed defences against bad things on the road and offerings to Mae Yanang the journey goddess.

Flag fare under US$1. 35THB, pay in local currency. Most trips will be less than 100THB. Often cabbies forget to put the meter on, resist getting stroppy, remind them that they haven't put the meter on.

Do not panic if the taxi veers into a supermarket or hotel car park. This is a sure sign the guy knows his way around Bangkok and is taking nifty shortcut.

Another tip - taxis don't use the expressways unless they are told to by you. Bai tang duan or Bai tollway You have to pay for these 20 - 50 THB a go.

Be prepared for the driver NOT to have change. Often Bangkok cabbies can't break a 500 THB. 500 / 1000THB is big bucks to these guys. Sometimes a days takings.

Shifts change around 3.00pm. Try not to get upset if you get in the cab, say where you want to go and he refuses. It maybe he'll have problems if he returns the cab late.(Often he'll be as pee'd off as you that he can't get the fare.)

Ask to turn the air con up Air con costs money in extra fuel, so the cabs often have the windows down when they have no fare. If you are hot ask to put the air con up full. They won't mind... they'll put it on half blast anyway.

Like Isaan music? Good. You'll be having a blast of it in your ears as the speakers are right behind your head (not his). You don't like Isaan music? ....sit in the front, away from the speakers.

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'Mode': TO
Category: Bus
Getting TO/AROUND: Aircon buses from or to the airport are an okay way to go if your destination is on a main hotel / tourist drag, if you are not in a rush and if you do not have too many bags (more than two that is, one in a hand, one on a shoulder).

The buses usually wait near the meter taxi ranks at both international and the domestic terminals. If one is not there ask a local and they will try and help you if they speak your language. Really, they are very helpful.

Running times are 04.30 to 00.30, at approximately 15 to 30 minute intervals.

AB-1: Airport-Silom Road
From airport, Don Muang Tollway exit Din Daeng Road, pass Century Park Hotel, Pratunam, Ratchadamri Road, Grand Hyatt Erawan Hotel, Lumphini Park, Silom Road, Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza, Charoen Krung Road, and stop at Silom Road, opposite Lerdsin Hospital.

AB-2: Airport-Sanam Luang
From airport, Don Muang Tollway exit Din Daeng Road, pass Ratchawithi Road, Victory Monument, Phyathai Road, Phetchaburi Road, Lan Luang Road, Princess Hotel, Tanao Road, Phra Sumen Road, Chakraphong Road, Bang Lamphu (Khao San Road), around Democracy Monument, Royal Hotel and stop at Sanam Luang.

AB-3 Airport-Thonglor
From airport, Don Muang Tollway, Din Daeng Expressway, exit Sukhumvit Road, pass Nana, Ambassador Hotel, Grand Pacific Hotel, Asoke intersection, Eastern Region Bus Terminal (Ekamai), New Phetchaburi Road, Thonglor Road and stop at Thonglor Police Station. (been in here a few times I can tell you – lovely chaps the lot of them)

AB-4 : Airport-Hua Lamphong
From airport, take Don Muang Tollway, Din Daeng expressway, exit Ploenchit Road, pass Siam Centre, Siam Square, Phyathai Road, Mah Boon Krong, Rama IV Road, Mandarin Hotel, Bangkok Centre Hotel, Wong Wian 22 Circle, and stop at Bangkok Hua Lamphong Railway Station.

Regular Buses (regular bone shaking rattling buckets of rusty iron more like) are 29, 59, 95. To say non air con buses can be uncomfortable and crowded is an understatement.

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'Mode': AROUND
Category: Ship/Boat
Getting TO/AROUND: It’s dead easy to get Chao Phraya River Buses up and down the river, look for the pier with other tourist Caucasian people on, and ensure that the boat has a pointy front, a flat back and is coming from either up or down stream.

This then is a Chao Phraya river taxi / public bus.

Right. Transport Tips.

One. Let the buggers off first. We ain’t dealing with “mind the platform gap” on the London Underground here. “Oh dear you slipped! Oh did you bash your bag?” Nup, we’re talking, “Oooops you is in the Chao Phraya, getting squashed between the boat and the pier. You are mouth washing with the world’s most toxic raw sewage, don’t swallow!” (OK Thai fish can swim in it, but then prawns are also known to hang around toilet cistern outlets heh?). And you’ll have a film of grease in your hair that Procter & Gamble’s lab team can’t assist with. I have seen folk fall in – and it is quite a fiasco.

So let them off first!

Two: Then jump on quick like buggery before the boat pulls away as the Thai bloke peeps his whistle. (also see tip one)

Three: The fare? Daft variations on 2 THB, 3 THB and 7 THB. Personally, I rarely pay for anything less than a bottle of Heineken at 35 THB from 7-Eleven, so I find this rather quaint. Try and have some shrapnel / change.

Four: Using the river is the best way to get around the bits of Bangkok …that are close to the river. Leave the cabs and tuk tuks for the non river bits.

Five: Using Humphrey Bogart phrases (African Queen, 1951) are rarely understood by the conductoress / fare taker… “I asked you on board ‘cause I was sorry for you on account of your losing your brother and all. That’s what you get for feeling sorry for someone. Well, I ain’t sorry no more, you crazy psalm-singing, skinny old maid!” ...Shame, it's not a bad one liner.

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'Mode': AROUND
Category: Ship/Boat
Getting TO/AROUND: You are highly unlikely to do this (crossing the river that is) but if you do, here’s a bit of help.

If you want to go across the river you need to get a small flat looking boat thing. No pointy ends, it’s a plough methodically across the river current sort of vessel. Two Thai Baht (i.e. 6 cents) and you’re there (pay before you get on).

Now then. Here’s the catch. Very few of the local helpful Thais will believe you do want to cross the river (if you are a caucasian or African person). They think you should be going up and down the river between the hotels and the tourist things. So they will argue that you are in the wrong place until you smile and whip out some local lingo about visiting a very good Chinese herbal therapist that Saniporn told you about last full moon.

Cross the river piers are in different spots to up and down the river piers. Presumably the locals have seen many an upset distraught tourist end up on the Din Daeng Pier looking back on the side they started from when they planned to be photographing the Grand Palace or Wat Arun.

So remember. Fat, pudgy, grunty boat. 2 THB fare? Pay before you get on. You ain’t going up and down the old Chao Phraya. You is going across.

(The rare time you is going across the Chao Phraya is around Wat Arun and there it’s a different story. There are loads of monks on the boat, along with over a dozen sweaty-red-faced tourists that can’t get used to the humidity.

The other instance is if you are going to your hotel (e.g. Peninsular or Marriott). These have their own hotel boats, done up in poncey olde-worlde “let’s make the boat look like an old rice barge” sort of thing. Your local Thai wouldn’t be seen dead on one of these. Let alone pay 2 baht for the privilege.)

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'Mode': AROUND
Category: Other
Getting TO/AROUND: Sometimes tuk tuks break down. Sometimes tuk tuks roll over as they take a corner too quickly. Sometimes tuk tuks get caught behind Bangkok Metropolitan Authority buses’ exhaust pipes.

Sometimes tuk tuk drivers are really full of character. They need it.

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'Mode': AROUND
Category: Ship/Boat
Getting TO/AROUND: James Bond boats time. 1970s Chao Phraya James Bond speed boats. Version 3.2. So pay attention double o seven. Right, let’s start at the back and work our way forward shall we?

Here we have poking in the water on the end of a three meter drive shaft a small propellor, used for power and steering. Revolutions per minute. Thousands. Slice your leg off rather than look at you. Russian engineering. Actually they are usually from Mistubishi or Toyota pick up trucks.

Moving forward. Drive shaft and dobbing great V8 engine on a stick. Straight out of a truck and no housing for protection. Can severe arteries and mess up your shirt a bit. Treat with care.

On the sides. Green hoarding to stop splash up of forementioned river water. As you know with your PhD in Oriental Studies the Chao Phraya water is not only wet it contains many lethal bugs. Get one microbe in your mouth, you will be spraying the loo at fifty metres for the next three days. And you could feel like death for a further two.

Overhead red orange and yellow cover. Put that down double o seven! New model upgrade and without ejector seat attachment. Keeps sun off your bonce and stops you frying your little body to bits in the 32 heat.

Front of boat, and a smart attachment even if we do say so ourselves. Pointy raised end to speed through the water. Garlands of flowers and silks on the front are an offering to the river spirits and a memento mori for the bloke at the back on the engine. Colurs of ribbons are different accordig to the day of the week (really). Also contains spare rubber band for the engine.

We shall drop many of these on the Chao Phraya before you arrive. You are to hire one and get the driver to take you round the Nonthaburi / Bangkok Noi khlongs for about 500 to 700 THB per hour. And make sure you bring it back in one piece this time.

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'Mode': AROUND
Category: Ship/Boat
Getting TO/AROUND: Always good for a laugh this one. A great one to pull from your bag of show your mates around Bangkok tricks. Hire your own long tail boat (you’ve no doubt seen them in the guidebooks, all colourful and they have an engine on a stick) and tour the back khlongs of Thon Buri.

You can pick up these longtail boats for 500THB for an hour, up to 1000 THB for two. Though to be honest one and a half hours give you long enough to see the back canals of Thon Buri, the royal Barges, some slummie looking areas, some decent house boat areas, and the boat driver’s mates who surprisingly appear from nowhere to sell you luke warm cans of Singha Beer. The bloke driving often steers with his feet… while drinking Red Bull, snorting on menthol nasal sticks and taking Muay Thai bets on his mobile).

As you get the boats to yourself you can chat the driver up to go as fast as you like, stop for photos when you want and on a few occasions they’ve given me a go on the engine on a stick. (Though they rarely, if ever, let you do this on the main Chao Phraya.)

Lonely Planet implies you can pick these up from Silpakorn University. Nup, that’s pants – you’ll get ripped off. Best to get them from the Number 8 ferry stop on the main Chao Phraya - two stops upstream from River City, the one downstream from Taksin Bridge. Where this bloke sits.

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'Mode': AROUND
Category: Other
Getting TO/AROUND: Please give uniformed officials the documents they want. However, be prepared that officials are not always able to ask "directly" in a foreign tongue for the documents they really want. Remember – your ignorance is no defense against any country’s rules.

A note of caution… Once a travel document has been handed over to A Road Etiquette Guidance Officer it takes a good long while to negotiate back that document. Whether passport, student id, driving license, PADI Open Water Qualification, Asda Shopper Card, it is better not to give a “kindly enquiring” officer an i.d. that you may need in the next day or so, until you have established that is the document they really want.

Many officials are kindly willing to speed you through tiresome red tape. This requires exchanges of papers that don’t bear your picture, but bear someone else's picture. With numbers printed in the corners. Heightened periods for this act of public duty are the last week of the calendar month, when salaries are also running a bit low.

Express No Tape Fees / Documentation Checks as follows.

Not wearing a flimsy plastic bucket on one’s head when riding pillion on a taxi motorcycle. 3 red documents with numbers printed on them.

Performing a glorious, sweeping, majestic U Turn at a very clogged up junction, or a dual carriageway with no central divide. 3 red documents.

Jumping the lights with the rest of them at a well known central junction - and saving a further 13 minutes waiting for the disco lights to strobe a green. 2 red ones.

Being in a traffic lane that only uniformed guidance personnel believe one should not be in. 3 red ones and lots of smiling.

A friend (!) once said, in many countries when you are driving a pick up truck round the city you do tend to look like a mobile ATM.

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'Mode': AROUND
Category: Car/Motor Home
Getting TO/AROUND: “Why don’t these expletive expletive expletive lights change?” The question asked by so many visitors to Bangkok.

Why don’t they change? I”LL TELL YOU WHY THEY DON’T CHANGE! Because in most daylight cases there's a policeman sitting in an air conditioned police box overriding the automatic system. Pressing the buttons himself. ‘tis true I tell you, ‘tis true. Two years of academy training and they press buttons all day long.

"Shouldn't you lot be out catching criminals?"

Some background. I won’t go into the apocryphal tale of the installation of a computerized system some years back and Bangkok’s Finest sabotaging it within a week. With rumours running rife about the contributions to the end of month station social event being down. I won’t do that.

You see aside from the takings being at risk, what also goes on is... the traffic is not run by one Bangkok authority. Each police district does what they fancy. Each district is "sort of" targeted on how low the traffic is in their precinct. At some junctions the local plod are happy to clear as many internal combustion engines out of their district and into the district of their mates next door. Meaning the greens for the "coming out" lot last for an age, and the greens for "going in" lot strobe like the Ministry of Sound Nightclub (before it closed down of course as the Boys in Brown Nylon kept hoofing us off out 1.50am).

In this pic we see the delight of all locals and expats. We see the sign with the numbers (top right) are showing. Meaning the lights are on automatic and the sarge is off having a bowl of noodles or is out sorting out social fund contributions.

Just 70 seconds more to go and we get the Formula One three green lights.

Sarge's air con box is below the sign bottom left.

The poster above the box, top left? Well that is there to remind all us blokes that our missus is at home getting cross that we are 70 odd seconds late for our tea... ...and on no account had we start thinking about stopping off for a pint.

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