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My humble abode

(A town called England in London)

This is a guide to my town, England, in the country of London.
I hope you will enjoy it?
This is my house, it looks big, but it's a typical house in london. We all live in castles here. it's nice, but there's always american tourists wanting to have a look around. its got so bad that when i go on my holidays i go to america, knock on a few doors and ask them to let ME look around. see how they like it.

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a cup of tea

A guide to the country, London

Capital: England
Population: 173(153 when the Queen and family are on holiday)
Language: Cockney
Currency: drugs and mobile phones( one mobile phone= an ounce of coke, 14 ounces=one pound)
Seasons: Winter, winter, week of sun, winter, (repeat)
Ethnicity: Cockney geezers, wannabe cockney geezers(Jamie Oliver), geezers, wannabe geezers(Victor from Big Brother), the queen, wannabe queens(prince charles), fake queens(dale winton).
Religion: Lager. This is worshipped every weekend, and all week by some people. Saturday evenings are dedicated to lager. If you are lucky you will witness youths coming out of the church(local pub) on a saturday night, singing, 'lager, lager, lager'.
Sporting sucess: Football, sorry soccer: Won the World Cup in 1766, a special year. As, whoever won the competition in that year was entitled to say, 'Yes, but we won the World Cup in 1766', whenever appropiate.(see euro cup 2004, 2000, 1996, 1992, 1988, etc)
Tennis: Tim Henman got to the first round of Wimbledon 2004, after his opponent in the wild card final was hit by a meteor.
(Footnote, this years winner used to live next door to a woman who's aunty once went to london, so effectively he the winner is english)
National drink: A cup of tea. Law states that we must drink a cup of tea every two hours, unless you are in the building trade, then its every 30 minutes.

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The queen, me and that bloke

The queen, me and that bloke

This is me at the queen's wedding to that bloke. I think she was having second thoughts, as you can see her admiring me.Then again, so is that bloke.

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security at my mum's house

My mum

My mum won the bingo the other week, and now her friends Margaret and Elsie are jealous. My mum was worried they might attack her new house, so she's got some security outside now. They are ok, but they keep walking up and down playing the drums, it gets a bit annoying when I'm staying over for the weekend.

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the dome

The Dome

this was built for the princely sum of £4.11 for the new millenium. it's pretty crap, but it's cheap. next year we're gonna turn it upside down, light a fire under it, and call it The Wok.

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london in august

the weather

it's pretty cold here, but we do get a week of sun in the summer, then we talk about it for a whole year, till the next week of sun. nothing more to add, as us english hate talking about the weather.

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fish and chips

food

this is our national dish, closely followed by chicken tikka masala, and dodgy kebab. One of our laws states that when the week of sun arrives in august we must take the day of work, head to the beach, drink 20 pints of lager, get sunburnt, then walk along the pier eating fish and chips, before vomitting it up when we get to the end of the pier into the sea. thats why there is not only lots of salt(and vinegar) in the sea, but if you are lucky, you might see a battered cod swimming around.

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Grand National 1997

the grand national comes to london

In 1997 the grand national horse race was switched from aintree to london for the first and only time. there were only 3 entries, Shergar, desert orchid, and red rum, red rum finally crossing the finishing line first. all 3 horses are owned by ex-policemen, thats why all the jockeys were kitted out in police outifts.