"A guide to England, London" kerouacsdog's Profile

(A town called England in London)

This is a guide to my town, England, in the country of London.
I hope you will enjoy it?
This is my house, it looks big, but it's a typical house in london. We all live in castles here. it's nice, but there's always american tourists wanting to have a look around. its got so bad that when i go on my holidays i go to america, knock on a few doors and ask them to let ME look around. see how they like it.

A guide to the country, London

a cup of tea

Capital: England
Population: 173(153 when the Queen and family are on holiday)
Language: Cockney
Currency: drugs and mobile phones( one mobile phone= an ounce of coke, 14 ounces=one pound)
Seasons: Winter, winter, week of sun, winter, (repeat)
Ethnicity: Cockney geezers, wannabe cockney geezers(Jamie Oliver), geezers, wannabe geezers(Victor from Big Brother), the queen, wannabe queens(prince charles), fake queens(dale winton).
Religion: Lager. This is worshipped every weekend, and all week by some people. Saturday evenings are dedicated to lager. If you are lucky you will witness youths coming out of the church(local pub) on a saturday night, singing, 'lager, lager, lager'.
Sporting sucess: Football, sorry soccer: Won the World Cup in 1766, a special year. As, whoever won the competition in that year was entitled to say, 'Yes, but we won the World Cup in 1766', whenever appropiate.(see euro cup 2004, 2000, 1996, 1992, 1988, etc)
Tennis: Tim Henman got to the first round of Wimbledon 2004, after his opponent in the wild card final was hit by a meteor.
(Footnote, this years winner used to live next door to a woman who's aunty once went to london, so effectively he the winner is english)
National drink: A cup of tea. Law states that we must drink a cup of tea every two hours, unless you are in the building trade, then its every 30 minutes.

The queen, me and that bloke

This is me at the queen's wedding to that bloke. I think she was having second thoughts, as you can see her admiring me.Then again, so is that bloke.

My mum

security at my mum's house

My mum won the bingo the other week, and now her friends Margaret and Elsie are jealous. My mum was worried they might attack her new house, so she's got some security outside now. They are ok, but they keep walking up and down playing the drums, it gets a bit annoying when I'm staying over for the weekend.

The Dome

the dome

this was built for the princely sum of £4.11 for the new millenium. it's pretty crap, but it's cheap. next year we're gonna turn it upside down, light a fire under it, and call it The Wok.

the weather

london in august

it's pretty cold here, but we do get a week of sun in the summer, then we talk about it for a whole year, till the next week of sun. nothing more to add, as us english hate talking about the weather.

food

fish and chips

this is our national dish, closely followed by chicken tikka masala, and dodgy kebab. One of our laws states that when the week of sun arrives in august we must take the day of work, head to the beach, drink 20 pints of lager, get sunburnt, then walk along the pier eating fish and chips, before vomitting it up when we get to the end of the pier into the sea. thats why there is not only lots of salt(and vinegar) in the sea, but if you are lucky, you might see a battered cod swimming around.

the grand national comes to london

Grand National 1997

In 1997 the grand national horse race was switched from aintree to london for the first and only time. there were only 3 entries, Shergar, desert orchid, and red rum, red rum finally crossing the finishing line first. all 3 horses are owned by ex-policemen, thats why all the jockeys were kitted out in police outifts.

Intro Updated Mar 17, 2013
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Written Mar 20, 2005

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Comments (91)

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BeatChick Feb 23, 2009 at 10:58 PM

Yo, kerouacsdog! HAPPY BIRTHDAY from the BeatChick!
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Etoile2B Feb 21, 2008 at 10:39 AM

Happy Birthday from sunny California!
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Bokhari76 Feb 21, 2008 at 1:30 AM

Hi Mark. Happy Birthday to you. Wish you many happy returns of the day.
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Fergie01 Feb 21, 2007 at 10:35 AM

Happy Birthday! have a great day in your castle....heres to some sunshine for you.... greetings from Ontario Canada - Deana
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deecat Feb 21, 2007 at 8:40 AM

A birthday greeting comes your way from Chicago where I wish you a day filled with excellent health, much sunshine, delicious food and beverage, lots of celebrations, and faithful friends.
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uglyscot Feb 21, 2007 at 1:02 AM

Happy Birthday to you. Are you sure there isn't a National Holiday on this day,after all you do live in that posh house.. Am I a Cockney geezer? Bow Bells were on strike cos of the war, so I didn't hear them peal in my arrival.
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sayedaburas Feb 21, 2007 at 12:06 AM

♫•:*¨`*:•Happy birthday to you♫♫Happy b-day to you♫HAPPY BIRTHDAY to MARK ♫♫Happy b-day to yoou•:*¨`*:•♫ I wish you not only a happy year, but also ღhappier maany returnsღ (~_~)
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kopwint Feb 20, 2007 at 10:30 PM

happywith free in your birthady, the day you get great time with one, the one you feel free and get happy, Happy birthday to you,
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mary2u99 Feb 20, 2007 at 10:28 PM

Happy birthday to you :-)
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australia2 Nov 17, 2006 at 4:03 PM

Hi Mark. Nice to 'meet' you. I came across your Cat amongst Pigeons misc forum posting earlier. I agree. A bit cryptic I am. Email ? BTW, I knocked on your door but the fire was burning !? Laurie from Aus. ;-)