England Warnings Or Dangers Tips by sourbugger Top 5 Page for this destination

The worst Chinese takeaway in England.

I'll tell you that it is located in Hastings and that it is near the Morrison's supermarket. I will say no more about location as I don't want to be sued for libel.

I made the following observations which hopefully paint a picture :

Menu for an awful Chinese takeway.

1. Produce a badly printed menu on tatty cardboard with various crossings out and new prices written in.
2. Lay a 30 year old brown carpet with various mysterious stains on it
3. Miscalulate any bill and over-charge
4. Use the end table for a mountain of paperwork
5. Frame the insurance certificate, TV licence and Basic food safety certificate (probably fake) and mount them on the wall
6. Provide Chips as standard rather than rice or anything edible.
7. Install formica tables and put dirty tablecloths on them, line the walls with cheap pine boards.
8. Make sure the toilet leads (nearly) directly from the kitchen and has no loo roll
9. Employ a cook who has never been near China in his life and has personal hygene issues
10. Site your Takeaway in Hastings

The place I used fulfilled all these criteria...and the food was awful too.

Monkeys in Safari parks

England has a number of great stately homes that have tried to raise much needed cash by converting their extensive grounds into Safari parks. Longleat and Woburn are good examples..

The Safari park at Longleat (the first in the developed world) features a drive through a number of enclosures. A by-pass is provided for the monkey enclosure, although most seem to risk it.

These devilish little primates are very skilled at ripping bits off the passing vehicles. If you have a slippery modern saloon (I especially recommend the 3-series saloon), you may well escape. On makes where and rubber or spare wheels are exposed - then you enter at your own risk....and cost.

At one point we had eight monkeys on our car. One tried to make a snatch for the windscreen wipers, but a swift acceleration (forbidden) and emergency brake (forbidden as well) it sorted the little bugger out.

As we were leaving the enclosure, we saw one monkey sat on a log inspecting his trawl for the day - he had got hold of a fuel filler cap !

I just hope they never work out how to use a screwdriver - it will bankrupt Longleat !

The picture used comes from a few years back where during a forced period of quarantine they got a bit bored. They gave them an old car to 'play' (or rather practice on) with.

If you drive a a Citreon, I would suggest using the 'by-pass', the monkeys will leave you with nothing more than the chassis after about three minutes work !

Overpriced rubbish at theme parks.

Any tourist attraction in the UK, especially those aimed at children have to compete hard in terms of entry price. It is not surprising therefore that they try to widen their profit margin in other areas. This invariably means that the catering put on in theme parks, zoos and the like is overpriced, unhealthy rubbish. Of course, many attraction may only take a couple of hours and it is not an issue, but bigger attractions may well be a full 'day out'.

I'm sorry, but five pounds 50p for a medium sized, mediumly warm potato with a few heinz beans on (not forgetting the miniscule side salad) I was recently charged at Longleat Safari park could never be described as reasonable.

Most parks on the other hand do not object to you pringing a picnic. Failing that, most tickets will allow exit and re-entry. Some attractions (such as Alton towers) have now given concessions to the normal high-street fast food outlets. At least this makes the price paletable, even if the food isn't.

Traffic , traffic and more traffic

Despite being one of the most crowded nations on planet earth, England has never really got around to building a decent modern transport network. The Romans had a fair go, and I've included a map of their efforts, as it is still about as much use as a modern map when you take into account all the congestion.

Apart from hiring a car with a fancy GPS trafficmaster system, your best option is to download your route (free) from www.theaa.com - at least it will help with the tricky bits and give you an idea about timings.

And don't think the train can take the strain - don't even get me started on the state of the railways.

You could try walking.

Website: http://www.theaa.com

Minicabs

There are about 50,000 minicabs in London, apparantly. The government are beginning to bring in regulations, but it is likely to remain the preserve of some very dodgy characters for some time to come. Many are legal and perfectlty fine, just follow these rules. Elsewhere in the country the difference is not always as clear - and minicabs might be all that is available. The Golden rule is to ALWAYS ring up a company first, or walk into a dingy office - never use a 'touting' minicab at the end of a night out.

Fares are cheaper than the traditional 'Black' cabs at about 6 quid for a couple of miles and a couple of quid a mile thereafter. If you know a reputable firm & ring for them then it will probably be fine. If you are in a restaurant or similar there may well be adverts or cards available - or just ask.

The real dodgy geysers are those who hang around outside nightclubs in the small hours touting for business. In these situations you have got to be either really careful or preferably part of the front row of a rugby scrum.

Main tips to look out for dodgy minicab drivers :

1) Car in disgusting colour like turd brown or vomit green.

2) Car is over 10 years old (L reg and earlier)

3) More than one magic tree on the central mirror hiding a mixture of kebabs, B.O, the great smell of Brut and wet dogs.

4) The fiction that is the fare - no meters so it's all down to negotiation.

5) Do not let him take short cut on the pretence that he is learning 'the knowledge' to become a black cab driver -it's merely a ruse to extend the route and thus the fare.

6) Feel if the rear suspension is very slack - if it is he will have driven it hard over speed bumps to induce vomiting in his passengers and thus triple the fare.

Public toilets...

It is an almost unbelieveable fact that you can be fined Five Thousand pounds or spend six months in jail, for placing advertising in an telephone box.
Despite this threat some 13 Million "Tart cards" are placed in London's phone boxes annually. They are alot less common in other cities, but you still see them about.

The history of them in fact goes back to Music hall days, when 'Ladies of the night' would leave little envelopes for likely punters.

In the old days discreet messages would appear in newsagents advertising "Swedish lessons" or "Large Chest for sale", but gradually the Tart Cards ended up in the 'Phone boxes.

Some are still discreet with phrases like "Model available" but most are much more on the risque side with various salacious images downloaded from the net.

So if your easily offended,or have kids who you don't wish to see such images then be warned.

This is not the only danger lurking in public phone boxes. It is not unknown for some of the more unhygenic members of society to treat them as public conveniences.

Beware of monsters on the shore at...

Canvey Island, Essex

Be careful about what you might find washed up on the shoreline...this one should have made the X-files !

Back in 1954, a rather mysterious and ugly reddish-brown creature in a decomposed state was washed up on Canvey Island. It was said to be some form of marine life, with protruding eyes standing about two and a half feet tall. I say standing, because it had two legs, each with five toes arranged in a concave U-shape. The zoologists who studied it, not wishing to cause a panic, they are said to have cremated the poor thing.

The next year a local vicar found a similar thing, this time about four foot tall (bloody hell, their growing !). The wherebouts of this creature after it was handed over to 'experts' has never been brought to light. What are we to make of it all ?

1066 and all that

I had always imagined that Hastings would be a rather pleasant place to visit, south coast resort with a pier and tons of history.

No a bit of it. The actual battle that means the town is known the world over actually took place about 10 miles away at a place now called 'Battle' (now I wonder why it is called ?)

The town itself does have a castle, some impressive nearby cliffs and one or two other interesting features. The majority of the the town, and especialy the town centre can only be described as a complete, grimy, scummy, chavvy, crime-ridden dump with no redeeming features whatsoever.

It is sadly declining into an univiting wasteland of crummy guesthouses and pound-shops that are mainly populated by asylum seekers at the taxpayers expense (I'm sorry I sould like a Daily Mail newspaper columnist here, but it really is the case).

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

P.S in 2000 it apparantly was calculated to be the 27th most deprived district of the UK (out of about 350) and had a violent crime rate over twice the national average.

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

Look out for killer donkeys at the seaside -

From SB's Cleethorpes page :

You just have to read this abridged account from Hansard (proceedings of the House of Commons)

Mr. M.B: I have the honour and privilege to represent the seaside resort of Cleethorpes. For most hon. Members, the word "Cleethorpes" conjures up visions of seaside, donkey rides and the promenade. One of the greatest pleasures for young people of visiting Cleethorpes is the opportunity to enjoy the benefits of normal seaside pleasures. Donkey rides have been a traditional seaside pleasure at Cleethorpes and at other seaside resorts in the north, such as Skegness and Blackpool for a long time.

Mr. H G : A donkey is not referred to as an equine, although it is within the equine family. Most often, donkeys are ridden on beaches, so there would be no danger in children riding them. I caution that donkeys are incredibly dangerous to ride and I have seen them unseat the best jockeys without difficulty.

Mr. Br : I know quite a lot about the donkeys at Cleethorpes. Two years ago, the mayor of Cleethorpes, Mrs. Gladys Nuttall--

Mr. A : The mare?

Mr. B : No, the mayor. Mrs. Nuttall had a distinguished career. She and her family ran the donkey rides at Cleethorpes for many years. She and I are worried that because the donkeys set off from the promenade they may be within the scope of the Bill.....(cont)

Mr. S : My hon. Friend raises an important point about his constituency. I am familiar with the donkeys there. They are a fine breed.

My hon. Friend should not ignore the point made by my hon. Donkeys are absolute brutes. Some two years ago, I suffered a terrible fall from a donkey when riding in a donkey derby at a village fete. The donkey was completely unscathed but I was quite badly injured.

Mr. B : I am distressed to hear that, but my hon. Friend is overreacting slightly. I take the point that donkeys can be bad tempered. I know the donkeys at Cleethorpes better than anyone else, and have always found them more agreeable than the average donkey. The issue is....(continues...)

Not exactly Las Vegas...

From Sourbugger's Southend - on -sea page :

(although it applies to several other downmarket resorts like Skegness and Blackpool)

Southend is probably best known for the mile or so of amusement arcades stretched out along the seafront.

The mass of neon lights is somewhat reminiscent of the Strip in Las Vegas, and they have similar names like "New York" or "Monte Carlo".

These places are however limited to arcade games, bingo,slot machines (one-armed bandits) and 'push penny' type games.

In addition you will find several novelty games, pool tables, 'grabber' cranes and air hockey etc.

Things may well change when the current gambling laws get an overhaul in the near future.

Southend also has other added attraction down here compared to Las Vegas - like a beach (well sort of), mountains of discarded fish and chip papers, hoardes of feckless youths high on cheap drink and petrolheaded idiots revving their souped up Essex-boy cars up and down the prom on summer evenings.