"Where's the escape tunnel ?" Basildon by sourbugger
Basildon Travel Guide: 13 reviews and 21 photos
I was a resident of this fair town for about five years. This spook appeal has been doing the round over the last year or so - but I thought some of you might appreciate it :
BASILDON EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Wednesday 23rd July 2003. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fackin 'ell" and "whattacant" The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately ?30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics, Spanish Costas and Romford market were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.
Essex FM News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came runnin' into my bedroom cryin'. My younges' two, Ashley 'n' Brooklyn, slep' froo it all. I was still shakin' when I was watchin' Kilroy the next mornin'." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. Rescue workers found one girl in the rubble smothered in claret [slang for blood]; "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked her. "Bleedin' Romford," said the girl "woss that gotta do with it?"
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Pepsi max to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Matalan. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms,
2.00 Pounds buys chips, crisps and Tango drinks for a family of 9,
5.00 pounds will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter,as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and Laindon.
sourbuggers contribution to the Chavtowns website :
"Jesus could not have been born in Basildon. After all, where on earth would you be able to find three wise men and a virgin in Basildon ?
Basildon has long be one of the towns that gave chavdom to the world. People were chavs in Baz, long before anybody had dreamed of using the word beyond the gypsy community. Just the names of the three main areas of the new town built to relive the population overspill of London’s East end tell you all you need to know :
Vange, sounds suspiciously like a slang-word for women’s genitalia. The last vestiges of the middle class who moved out years ago may have kidded themselves it was called ‘Varnge’ rather than ‘Vaange’. The main road ‘Long riding’ may have equestrian roots and refer to a gentle canter on horseback, but most residents now presume it refers to the sexual proclivities of Basildon women in their pink leggings and white stilletoes. It was also mentioned in the Doomsday book as a place ‘of thieves and robbers’. Nothing changes.
Laindon, (again pronounced with the long ‘a’) contains such architectural gems as the ‘Alcatraz estate’. By the way, did you know that no resident of Laindon is able play that simple game ‘I spy’ ? This is because a simple game would run like this :
“I spy with my little eye something beginning with ‘F’”
“Ummm….***ing Floor, ***ing window, ***ing door, ***ing life” etc, etc
Pitsea, the last (and least) of the Baz areas is dominated by two things. Firstly the massive flyover which allows the rest of humanity to avoid the place and secondly the Pitsea market. This market uses the images of chav heros, Del-boy and Rodney with their yellow three-wheeler Reliant Robin van to promote themselves. Here the chavs can easily buy their knocked off perfumes, knocked off DVD’s and other associated crap essential to chav life.
Shopping : Apart from the aforementioned Pitsea market the town centre contains all the chav favourites, whilst the massive boot sales allow Baz’s own version of a recycling to take place (i.e items get nicked on Thursday night, to be re-sold on the Sunday morning – most probably from those it was taken from on the Thursday night). Drugs are easily available from vans with picture windows and a jolly tune, they are also rumoured to sell ice cream.
Transport : A Sherman tank would be the most sensible form of transportation around the town. The bus service is utilised by the residents (no need to say Chavs, they all are), but beware – a few years ago a person got onto a bus on Long Riding. At the next stop someone got on and stated they wanted that particular seat. Quite reasonably he was told in no uncertain terms to get a seat elsewhere as there were plenty of spare seats. The man was then promptly shot in the leg.
Entertainment : There are several city centre pubs where you can get a pint and a fight. But most chavs will take the train (or nicked car) to that chav playground Southend on the weekend. There the traditional chav pursuits of drinking, fighting and shagging on the beach can take place unhindered. In addition they can face up to the intellectual challenge of putting countless 50p’s into a miniature crane machine to obtain a crappy fluffy toy that could bought for a quid.
Neighbours : The residents of Billericay (pronounced bill-ahh-rick-eeeeee by chavs) have fought several battles not to be included in the same council as Basildon. They would prefer to be bedfellows with the residents of Brentwood. Seems to me that is the choice between two flys arguing the toss between *** and crap.
On the other hand Baz chavs actually look down on people from Tilbury.
In conclusion let me finish with one last true story. After the tragic death of Diana, Princess of Wales a book of condolence at a local school had to be withdrawn after the first entry (and the writer did not put it down as a joke) wrote :
“I was sorry to hear about the car crash….I hope you get better soon”
All I can say is AFB - average for Basildon.
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