I'm in the south.... honest..... and other Birmingham, United Kingdom Shopping Tips

Name of Shop: Mailbox

In its' quest to become a modern, trendy city the mailbox is an attempt to create an upmarket shopping area. It claims that the the shopping centre / hotel / restaurant / parking / chewing gum holder development is the, and I quote, 'biggest mixed use development in the U.K'.

That is as maybe, but it also means that in the quest to 'cutting edge' the place suffers from the worst examples of 'developer speak'.

I'll try and translate a little for you :

1) This unique development offers a truly integrated lifestyle choice for the first time in the city's history. It brings together designer fashion and lifestyle shops, luxury apartments, two hotels, secure 24 hour parking and an array of restaurants and café bars. All in an exclusive waterside setting only two or three minutes walk from New Street station.

Means : We got anybody we could to be tennant, but we drew the line at Poundworld or Woolworths. A quick exit is available by train to London

2) Birmingham's answer to Bond Street, Wharfside Street is a 200 metre open-air pedestrian route carved dramatically through the full length of The Mailbox.

Means : Its bloody freezing when the wind whips through.

3) It features the largest collection of stand alone designer stores outside London including international brands such as Emporio Armani, Harvey Nichols, DKNY, Polo Ralph Lauren and Hugo Boss.

Means : Brummies have only just started buying the designer crap the rest of us have bought for years.

NB : DKNY actually stands for Don't Know Nothing Youth.

3) There is the wide variety of stylish restaurants and café bars on offer from Indian cuisine (Café Lazeez) and Japanese (Shogun Noodle Bar) to Italian (Zizzi) and modern new Mexican (Santa fe). Catering for all tastes and budgets, a visit to the many waterside restaurants and café bars makes a perfect post-shopping retreat.

Means : Yet more overpriced, tiny-proportioned, pretend food places to waste your money in once you have been fleeced elsewhere.



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Website: http://www.mailboxlife.com

Name of Shop: Merry Hill shopping Centre

A massive shopping centre only a few miles from the centre of Birmingham with hundred of stores - the usual high street suspects are all here.

As with many 'trendy' schemes the planners came up with a gimmick : a monorail to transport people from the car park.

It lasted less than a year ! Breakdowns and the worries of the Fire Brigade meant it ended up being sold to some place in Austraila (see photo)

One is of course reminded of the 'monorail song' from the simpsons :

Lyle Lanley: Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail!
What'd I say?

Ned Flanders: Monorail!

Lyle Lanley: What's it called?

Patty+Selma: Monorail!

Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!

[crowd chants `Monorail' softly and rhythmically]

Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud...

Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.

Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?

Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?

Lyle Lanley: You'll be given cushy jobs.

Abe: Were you sent here by the devil?

Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.

Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.

Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.

I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

All: Monorail!

Lyle Lanley: What's it called?

All: Monorail!

Lyle Lanley: Once again...

All: Monorail!

Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken...

Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!

All: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!

[big finish]

Monorail!

Homer: Mono... D'oh!



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Website: www.merryhill.com

Name of Shop: Desire Jewellery (spelt correctly)

My wonderful wife (VT Member IrishMisty - but she never logs in) made me write this tip.

She claims the designs from this shop in Market Street, Stourbridge are just going to get bigger and bigger. Insales terms rather than the dangliness of the earings, I mean.

For what it's worth, here is the sales blurb from the website :

"Fulfil your hearts appreciation for unique handmade jewellery and breathtakingly beautiful glassware, visit Desire for those special stylish gifts this festive season.
Launched by acclaimed artist and former Stourbridge college art student Philip Webley, Desire is the place to visit to find something really special for your loved ones or to treat yourself to a really original adornment for the party season.

If you are a bloke : My advice is stick to the main High street, and you partner won't notice this place in front of the town hall.



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Theme: Jewelry
Phone: 01384 441400
Address: Market street, Stourbridge
Website: www.desirejewwllery.com

Name of Shop: any grocery shop in the UK


What To Buy: HP sauce is a wonderfully think brown sauce that can be added to any British dish, in order to make it taste of something.

It is said that Harold Wilson, the British Prim Minister in the 1970's always covered his food in the stuff. His working class credentials were this assured.

Originally produced in 1903, it became called 'HP sauce' later, when it was discovered to be on sale in restaurants in the Houses of Parliment.

The Factory in Aston, just north of Birmingham City Centre, has been in the news recently as Heinz (now owners of the brand) wish to switch production to Holland. Marches and petitions may yet save this Birmingham institution.

UPDATE : MARCH 07 - a sad day, the last shift finished last night.

What To Pay: Buy a bottle (only about a pound) and taste the delights.

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Theme: Food and Drink

Name of Shop: MG Dealers, worlwide (maybe)

Made in Birmingham - well almost.

One of the most beautiful and quintesentially english sports cars, the MGF has just had it's production resumed at Longbridge, just south of Birmingham. The old site produced thousands of cars every year - all of the Rover's group range. A combination of rubbish build quality and stroppy unions eventally led to bankrupcy in 2005, but a Chinese firm bought the site and production rights. Only about 300 people are employed there now to screw together what comes over in containers from mainland China; but it still counts as English in my book.

Despite the fact that Rover group produced a stream of complete dogs, this little car is a gem. It;s not the fastest, most reliable or newest car on the road (the MGF is a 12 year old car now), but it still gives you a great little buzz and smile on a face if you can find a gap between the showers to drive with the roof down. I know I've got one. Will sell to a good owner.



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