Beware of the magic tree. and other London, United Kingdom Warning Or Danger Tips

There are about 50,000 minicabs in London, apparantly. The government are beginning to bring in regulations, but it is likely to remain the preserve of some very dodgy characters for some time to come.

Fares are cheaper than Black cabs at about 6 quid for a couple of miles and a couple of quid a mile thereafter. If you know a reputable firm & ring for them then it will probably be fine. If you are in a restaurant or similar there may well be adverts or cards available - or just ask.

The real dodgy geysers are those who hang around outside nightclubs in the small hours touting for business. In these situations you have got to be either really careful or preferably part of the front row of a rugby scrum.

Main tips to look out for dodgy minicab drivers :

1) Car in disgusting colour like turd brown or vomit green.

2) Car is over 10 years old (L reg and earlier)

3) More than one magic tree on the central mirror hiding a mixture of kebabs, B.O, the great smell of Brut and wet dogs.

4) The fiction that is the fare - no meters so it's all down to negotiation.

5) Do not let him take short cut on the pretence that he is learning 'the knowledge' to become a black cab driver -it's merely a ruse to extend the route and thus the fare.

6) Feel if the rear suspension is very slack - if it is he will have driven it hard over speed bumps to induce vomiting in his passengers and thus triple the fare.

For an insight into a minicab drivers lot watch the film "All or nothing" with Timothy Spall.

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Uncle Ken Livingstone (the Mayor) is fighting a long and protracted battle to cut the numbers of Pigeons on Trafalgar Square. He claims they are a health risk and cost millions in cleaning bills for the monuments and buildings.

To this end he has tried to stop people selling corn in the square - but people come and just feed them anyway. The pigeons swarm all over them (like in Hitchcocks's the Birds, says Ken)

So if you want to avoid something nasty and don't want to be covered in Pigeon, or their waste - avoid.

Alternatively you could feed them amphetamines and watch them fall out of the sky following a heart attack. Uncle Ken mysteriously ignored this suggestion of mine.

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A friend of mine recently told me there is a species of scorpion which lives only in the Underground system. I'm not sure whether to believe him or not. What I do know is that if you have a problem with dust or rats, then you might well want to give the tube a skip.

APOLOGY : I thought that the following report was true - yes, I was suckered in. Another VT member e-mailed me to point out the forensic dept that alledgedly compiled the following report, does not in fact exist. Even if it is a hoax - the point that it SOUNDS plausible and makes you think !

"During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department of Forensics at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness. Despite London Underground's claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries.

The analysis was broken down. This is what was found on the surface of the seats:

. 4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)

. 7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)

. vomit originating from at least 9 separate people

. human urine originating from at least 4 separate people

. human excrement

. rodent excrement

. human semen

When the seats were taken apart, they found:

the remains of 6 mice

. the remains of 2 large rats

. 1 previously unheard of fungus

It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring, to your body, the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people. It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground.

It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground seat before eating.

It is estimated that, within London, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst travelling on the tube than for any other reason (including alcohol)."

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Two men were recently jailed (Dec 2003) for the following scam - but others may try it on.

One man approached people in the arrivals hall (how he got in there was not fully explained by the newspaper report I read), whoever it seemed likely had had a taxi booked for them. His most likely prey were fresh new language students from the far east.

After enquiring of their name and if they confirmed a taxi had been pre-booked he would quietly disappear.

He then passed on the name to his accomplice who wrote out one of those welcoming signs with the victims name on. He would then approach the victim before the real taxi driver realised his fare had been nabbed.

The victim would then be duly delivered - but with an extortionate fare (up to about 1500 pounds)

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The website designer for the Transport for London (Tfl) tube website appears to have a sense of humour. He or she is conducting an online survey to see what gets up the nose of Londoners on the tube. Here is the list, but I'm sure none of you would ever do any of these disgusting and repulsive things, or be one of these types of people :

People who let their newspapers lie across their neighbour's space

Getting onto trains before passengers have had time to get off

People who pretend they haven't seen pregnant passengers who need seats

People with accordions

****** People who look like they may have an accordion at home ******* (i can't work the stars out either !)

Standing on the left on escalators

People who eat smelly food on trains

People who leave food or newspapers on seats

People with overloud "personal" stereos

People who don't leave newspapers behind (so they can be re-read)

People who ask you for money

People who spread their legs across their neighbours' space

People who don't move down into the carriage

People who keep their rucksacks shouldered on busy trains

People with annoying mobile ringing tones (especially S Club 7, Steps, Back Street Boys, Kylie)

People who pick their nose and flick or eat the contents

People who stop dead at the top or bottom of escalators

People who put their feet on seats

People who jump on and wrestle the doors as they are closing

People who don't know how to say excuse me, please and thank you

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Website: www.tube.tfl.gov.uk

If you drive a car into central London (see map) or hire a car, then you are liable to pay Uncle Ken's congestion charge. It operates Monday-Friday in the day and costs EIGHT QUID a day. (7AM - 6PM)

There are several ways of paying it - so look at the listed website.

Some car hire companies like Easycar collect the charge on your behalf - but you must declare to them the days you use it, or you will face some pretty large fines ; and remember that they have your credit card details.

UPDATE: (FEB 07). Many websites on this matter are now out of date. the size of the zone has been doubled to include most of the expensive addreses of west london - Knightsbridge, Pimlico and Chealsea etc. That's the way - EAT THE RICH.

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Website: www.cclondon.com

It is an almost unbelieveable fact that you can be fined Five Thousand pounds or spend six months in jail, for placing advertising in an telephone box.
Despite this threat some 13 Million "Tart cards" are placed in London's phone boxes annually.

The history of them in fact goes back to Music hall days, when 'Ladies of the night' would leave little envelopes for likely punters.

In the old days discreet messages would appear in newsagents advertising "Swedish lessons" or "Large Chest for sale", but gradually the Tart Card ended up in the capitals Phone boxes.

Some are still discreet with phrases like "Model available" but most are much more on the risque side with various salacious images downloaded from the net.

So if your easily offended,or have kids who you don't wish to see such images then be warned.

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Due to the complexity of the public transport system in London, you sometimes have to be very careful in checking exactly which station a tube / train / coach is departing from.

Usually places with similar names are only a short distance away - such as Waterloo East / Waterloo and King's Cross Thameslink / King's Cross, but if you have lots of luggage it could be pain.

Also note some tube lines have stops with the same name as others - such as Edgware road that appears on two different lines - and they are not physically connected.

The most confusing example is Victoria Coach station, which is 10-minute walk from Victoria (train) station, and completely different to Victoria (Bus) station which stands outside the station. I believe that many tourists have missed coaches because of this.

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Website: www.tfl.com

Jack the Ripper tours have become big business in London.

If you have 100 people following you around at five pounds a head, then a tidy sum can be earnt.

Unfortunately the reputable companies now have to warn clients that 'hustlers' can sometimes get in on the act. They hold up a few leaflets that look authentic, collect a group, and head off into the night.

If people have paid up front, I presume they then disappear down a dark alley with the loot and the words "I'm Jack and you've been ripped off!".

The only way to avoid this is to telephone the company you are going to use (see tip in Must see activities) and get the name of that day's tour guide. Be sure you get the right person when you meet at Tower Hill tube (they nearly all start from there).

P.S I was goung to write a tip along the lines of try not to be a Victorian prostitute and get wasted on Gin - but I though G would pull it.

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Whilst not on the scale of problems encountered by such cities as Bangkok or Cairo in the recent past, London is always threatening to seize up with its congestion or 'gridlock' as it is known.

Despite the congestion charging scheme, it's still all to easy to find yourself crawling along at a snails' pace in central London.

It was ever thus - just look at this famous painting of London's streets from the early Victorian times.

Always allow plenty of time for any journey that uses the roads. Your much better off on the tube.

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