London Warnings Or Dangers Tips by sourbugger Top 5 Page for this destination

What gets you goat ? Accordian players ?

The website designer for the Transport for London (Tfl) tube website appears to have a sense of humour. He or she is conducting an online survey to see what gets up the nose of Londoners on the tube. Here is the list, but I'm sure none of you would ever do any of these disgusting and repulsive things, or be one of these types of people :

People who let their newspapers lie across their neighbour's space

Getting onto trains before passengers have had time to get off

People who pretend they haven't seen pregnant passengers who need seats

People with accordions

****** People who look like they may have an accordion at home ******* (i can't work the stars out either !)

Standing on the left on escalators

People who eat smelly food on trains

People who leave food or newspapers on seats

People with overloud "personal" stereos

People who don't leave newspapers behind (so they can be re-read)

People who ask you for money

People who spread their legs across their neighbours' space

People who don't move down into the carriage

People who keep their rucksacks shouldered on busy trains

People with annoying mobile ringing tones (especially S Club 7, Steps, Back Street Boys, Kylie)

People who pick their nose and flick or eat the contents

People who stop dead at the top or bottom of escalators

People who put their feet on seats

People who jump on and wrestle the doors as they are closing

People who don't know how to say excuse me, please and thank you

Will this work on oxford street ? Traffic, Driving and Crossing the road Review

There has been quite a bit of talk this year (2010) about introducing a scheme that has been kicked around for a few years. The idea is to introduce a 'slow lane' for those ambling along Oxford street window shopping (ie tourists) and a 'fast lane' for those who actually want to get anywhere.

With over 100,000 people passing the busiest point every day, minor accidents are very common - perhaps mainly due to those in a hurry trying to avoid the laggards by using the rad rather than the pavement and ending up having an arguement with a No 38 bus.

The company that runs the street for the traders thinks it will work, but most seem to think it is doomed to failure.

If the scheme gets the go-head then don't get in the wrong lane - or some jobsworth in a silly uniform is bound to have an good old british moan at you.

Perhaps I could train them in how to be miserable gits - good I would love that job contract !

I would like a 'Model' or an 'extra pillow'.

Unlike some of the other cities in Europe we are still a little coy about talk concerning 'ladies of the night' (there you go, I'm at it as well, using a euphemism).

If you see a small sign, often in areas such as Soho or around Victoria station which reads 'model', then on no account mis-interpret this as a a model house, plane, train or anything else that involves matchsticks or woodglue. Typing the word into google, should also make you realise that the word has more than a few possible uses.

Also, be careful about asking for an 'extra pillow' when you check in at a hotel. If you are talking to the right man (and it is always a man) then it is apparantly code that you want the concierge to arrange a little extra something ! (*)

I always ask for two extra pillows, an extra duvet and a penquin - that usually creates a fair amount of confusion. Or sometimes ejection into the street.

(*) This only applies to certain hotels, most hotels will simply deliver you an extra pillow rather than Madame Cherry whiplash of Bayswater and her list of corrective treatments.

The biggest warning or danger tip ever...

It could be the end of us all, if the scientists are right then it won't be too many years before seeing the sights of London will involve a boat tour to see what is left of St Paul's dome (or 'aquazone' as it will be re-branded). The O2 arena will become the 'H20' and Tower Bridge will be just 'Bridge'.

So what is london doing to play it's part in averting this global disaster scenario ? It's solution (that Thames Barrier will only delay the inevitable) is to put up lots of signs proclaiming London is a 'LEZ' or Loe Emission Zone. It only affects commercial vehicles and buses at present, but it will no doubt be extended to cars and farting in time. Basically, if you drive a polluting commercial vehicle inside the ring of the M25 you will have to pay an off-setting charge. Let's hope they put it to good use.

Welcome to the stinkards pit...

The Globe theatre, a re-creation of the Globe of Shakespere's time is one of the great attractions of London. It is a magnificent achievement and together with the exhibition it has become a true 'must see'.

This tip, however, concerns the cheap seats in the pit or yard in fromt of the stage. In the original globe the wooden floor would have been a mess of biblical proportions where the 'groundlings' or urban poor piled in to have a good laugh at the naughty bits of the plays. The more monied of society would occupy the galleried areas. They also attracted the name 'stinkard's' for fairly obvious reasons.

In modern times you can get a ticket for this area (now with a boring concrete floor) for the bargain price of a five. This must be one of the great bargains of London.

The website of the globe has an FAQ which asks : 'What does standing mean ?' A : 'Not sitting !'. Well blow me down with feather ! They will ask you to stand or leave. Remember a play might last two or three hours. In addition, it is open to the elements, so no umbrellas allowed - you may mell get drenched.

Still, if you want an authentic experience - and be right up to the theatrical action - then this ticket is a winner.

The Rose garden in Hyde park

The rose garden is generally considered to be one of the prettiest corners of Hyde Park.

I believe, if a recent Sunday Time magazine article by AA Gill is corrects, it is also the most obvious place in the capital for Gay people to meet for casual 'meetings'.

The Royal parks police have a refreshingly liberal attitude to this. They patrol the main path, but turn a blind eye to anything happening in the bushes. It would seem that muggers would see gay people as 'easy' targets - so they deserve a bit of protection as well.

Crime in the parks is in fact very low - and what crime does occur has a very high 'clear-up' rate.

Playing 'Hyde' the sausage

Hyde park maybe the grand-daddy of City parks throughout the world, but it does have it's more 'colourful' side. This is only a warning in the sense that you may be offended by the behaviour of certain other people.

It is well known that the earth does seem to really move on an summery Friday evening in Hyde park - mainly from the weight of people doing naughty things to each other behind the bushes.

After chatting up secretaries over water coolers all week, and watching Alison from accounts bending over the photocopier, in a much too inappropriate skirt - it is not surprising that Hyde park becomes a favourite spot for those 'playing away' with co-workers !

They them catch their train home to their wife and two kids in suburban Surrey, with the pretence that everything is normal - until next Friday.

I'M LOST, Lost forever, do you hear ?

Hampton Court maze at Hampton court palace is probably the best known maze in the world. It's the oldest hedge maze in the UK, nowadays constructed of Yew. When it was originally constucted back in the 17th century it would have been Hornbeam and the 'other way up'. At some point the whole thing was swung through 180degrees.

I doubt it is the most difficult maze, I certainly found it easy, but I include the plan for your parousal. Interesting to note : three 'gaps' were added to the orginial layout, but these make the maze more difficult to navigate as it creates 'islands'.

Why is this tip in warnings ?, well consider this literary excerpt :

Three Men in a Boat

‘We’ll just go in here, so that you can say you’ve been, but it’s very simple. It’s absurd to call it a maze. You keep on taking the first turning to the right. We’ll just walk around for ten minutes, and then go and get some lunch.’

So said Harris, from Jerome K. Jerome’s Three Men in a Boat (1889). The tourists he led into the Maze subsequently got lost for hours

Website: http://www.hro.org

Your still liable for the congestion charge...damn Traffic, Driving and Crossing the road Review

If you drive a car into central London (see map) or hire a car, then you are liable to pay Uncle Ken's congestion charge. It operates Monday-Friday in the day and costs EIGHT QUID a day. (7AM - 6PM)

There are several ways of paying it - so look at the listed website.

Some car hire companies like Easycar collect the charge on your behalf - but you must declare to them the days you use it, or you will face some pretty large fines ; and remember that they have your credit card details.

UPDATE: (FEB 07). Many websites on this matter are now out of date. the size of the zone has been doubled to include most of the expensive addreses of west london - Knightsbridge, Pimlico and Chealsea etc. That's the way - EAT THE RICH.

Website: http://www.cclondon.com

'ello, 'ello, What's that you smoking, sonny ?

There seems to be a great deal of mis-understanding about the status of cannabis in the UK. many think that it has been legalised for personal use.

This is in fact incorrect, and a police officer can still arrest, and it could lead to a term in jail of up to two years. In practice however, the downgrading of the drug to a 'class C' level means that in the vast majority of cases a police officer will either ignore the offence or at worst remove the drugs and issue a formal caution (possibly at the police station.)

Arrest is much more likely if you are:

(a) a repeat offender
(b) smoking in public
(c) a threat to public order
(d) near any premises used by children.

Someone who has more than an undefined amount for 'personal usage' may still be liable for arrest and up to 14 years in jail.

On the whole it seems like a move to free-up police time, and concentrate on more important things.

Anyway, if it is you bag, so to speak - know the score.