Don't follow his example.... and other Paris, France Warning Or Danger Tips

Amongst biking circles the feats of the now deceased (unsurprisingly) 'Black Prince' have passed into urban folklaw. He achieved infamy mainly through his illegal racing on the Paris peripherique, the city's 35 km ring-road. Averaging 190+ kph on his Kawasaki ZXR750 with a camera strapped to the tank. You would think he would do this at first light, but no, this 11-minute (and that is the full circuit) video was taken during the height of the morning rush-hour. I have yet to see it, but I'm told it makes experienced bikers whince with the pain of what could have been.

Watch out for any nutters trying to better his record.

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Ever get to a skyscraper, look up and think - I wouln't mind climbing that big bugger ?

Unless you have had a full-frontal lobotomy recently the thought usually disappears.

For one Frenchman the thought remained, and without sissy things like ropes and safety nets he regularly scales the tallest buildings of any given city. He climbed the Eiffel tower in 1997 and the Grande Arch at La Defence (actually far more difficult) in 1999. His efforts are regularly rewarded by being arrested for his troubles.


Try not to follow his example - and remember, falling off a building is not difficult, but the missing the ground bit is.

From his website :
" Ask somebody : Are you mad ? Obviously the answer will be negative !
I don?t think I am this mad, but who am I to judge myself ? Actually it would be real madness not to make your dreams come true ! "

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Website: www.alainrobert.com

Paris has a good number of very good portrait artists, although forget the sterotype of the young, hungry, penniless, gifted stuggling artist - those with a pitch on Montmartre pay to be there and do very nicely thank-you.

Elsewhere they are mainly 'chancers', and although you make strike lucky the chances are that they will constantly 'badger' you around the more obvious landmarks of the city.

You should of course never agree to a sitting until you have seen someone else being painted, and preferably see money exchange hands in an amicable way.

The 'artist' may well offer a very low price, but this will have mysteriously climbed by the end of the sitting. You are under no obligation to buy the piece, if , for example you don't like it, but try telling them that ! The high pressure techniques, hassle and downright abuse will soon follow.

Sometimes they operate in gangs, of so called "art students" especially around Montmartre. Talking a hapless tourist into a portrait, producing some piece of rubbish and then having the cheek (with menaces) to demand 100 Euros or dollars.

I have heard them reffered to as the "Monet mafia"

Also beware that you pockets will probably be picked whilst you are sitting for the portrait.

In a different sort of scam, an artist sits painting (or seeming to) a nice picture with their other work hanging up behind them. All to often these are just cheap prints that have been framed up - and virtually worthless.

If you must have your portrait done, go to Montmartre, get a professional and agree a fair price before you begin. Alternatively - try not to be so vain !

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As a young naive eighteen year old I was wandering down from Montmarte through the Pigalle area around sunset.

It came as something of a shock to the confronted in a narrow alley (notice I didn't say small back passage) by a six-foot-four bearded tranvestite in a sequined pink dress.

Although utterly harmless you might not be quite so lucky in this area of town after nightfall and off the main strip (odd how this area is called the main strip eh ?)

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Some 20 odd years ago a good-looking Italian man tried to flog me a 'genuine designer flying jacket'. About the only thing it had flown from was the back of an old van.

These guys always have a plausible story about how they have to off-load a load of jackets as they were 'samples' or 'returns from a trade fair' or some such story.

Never believe a word of it.

In the best-case scenario you will end up with an overprived PVC fake jacket, in the worst case scenario you will be lured into some car-park and robbed blind.

Apparantly this age-old scam is still being tried on - I guess the old adage of 'there is a new mug born every minute' still hold true.

If you really want a cheap leather jacket, then check-out the army surplus stuff sold on at flea markets or e-bay !

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I was wondering the other day...how likely would it be for someone to fall on you if you were under the Eiffel tower in Paris.

So here's the risk assessment :

1) Floor area (assuming they jump inwards) = 100 meters * 100 meters
Therefore - 1 in 10,000 chance

2) Presume you spend about half an hour at the site, and the tower is open for 13 hours a day
Therefore - 10,000 * 26 = 1 in 260,000 chance

3) There are (on average) 4 suicides a year. So the chance on one day is one in 91.25

Therefore grand total = 260,000 * 91.25 = 1 in 23,725,000

You have twice the chance of being hit by a suicide faller under the Eiffel tower than winning the National lottery.

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Thirteen major avenues lead into the Arc d'triomphe. Properly speaking it is a traffic circle rather than a roundabout. Either way it is something that only the French mind could have planned - and it is only the French who could make it work.

Even on quite small roundabouts these days in the UK, the local council ensures that it is festooned with white lines, traffic lights and directional signs. They will also probably add a bloody silly lamp or sculpture to it and a crummy little sign informing you it is cared for by the local firm of solicitors - oh yeah, like they come out and weed it during their lunchbreak in their suits.

But not in Paris : Around the Arc de Triomphe you will find no white lines, apart from the ones that most of the drivers must have sucked up through their noses before attempting to navigate the place.

Avoid at all costs, but if you end up here by accident (and you probably will) then :

1. Keep an even speed
2. Don't other indicating - no one will notice, or care
3. Never make eye contact with other drivers
4. Feel free to cut across several cars when you find your exit
5. Beware of local schoolchildren playing 'chicken'
6. Try to forget the excess charges on your hire car.
7. Learn a few choice words of French to use to advise other road users
8. Never leave a space - anywhere
9. Remember it's worse in the rain
10. Learn to pray - And may your God go with you.

Bill Bryson explained it this way :

"Ch. 4, p. 47-8 - I know Baron Haussmann made Paris a grand place to look at, but the man had no concept of traffic flow. At the Arc de Triomphe alone thirteen roads come together. Can you imagine that? I mean to say, here you have a city with the world's most pathologically aggressive drivers - drivers who in other circumstances would be given injections of thorazine from syringes the size of bicycle pumps and confined to their beds with leather straps - and you give them an open space where they can all try to go in any of thirteen directions at once. Is that asking for trouble or what?"

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I can remember, years ago, watching in disbelief at a Parisien driver approaching his parked car, finding they was about three millimeters clearance on one side and a gnat's whiskers on the other : he scratched his head.

He then repeatedly rammed his crappy Renault backwards and fowards until he had bumped the adjoining cars enough for him to get out of his predicament.

The moral of the story ?

If you have a hire car then, if possible, always put it in a car park rather than using on-street parking - it may save you a small fortune in fines impossed by the hire company for damages accrued under your hire period.

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So what is Lisa's syndrome ? It's the likelihood of doing something quite mad in the presence of the World's most valuable piece of Art.

You could comit arson and theft (alledgedly) - in 1911 avant-garde French poet Guillaume Apollinaire, who had once called for the Louvre to be "burnt down", was arrested and put in jail on suspicion of theft. His friend Pablo Picasso was brought in for questioning, but both were later released.

The real culprit was Vincenzo Peruggia stole it by simply walking out the door with the Mona Lisa hidden under his coat.

You could commit forgery - like Eduardo de Valfierno, a con-man who masterminded the theft and commissioned the French art forger Yves Chaudron to make copies of the painting so he could sell them as the missing original.

You could turn to vandalism like in 1956, when the lower part of the painting was severely damaged after an acid attack or several months later someone threw a stone at it.

Alternatively, you could just write complete rubbish about it as Dan Brown did - crimes against literature.

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I have always wondered why an extra-terrestial intelligence would travel several million light years, only to appear to some dim-wit in a pair dungarees who lives in a trailer in Oklahoma or carve out some pointless patterns in a wheatfield in Wiltshire.

Indeed, landmarks such as the Eiffel tower would make much greater sense as a landing site, it's findable both by sight and because it has been happily emitting radio and television transmissions for many years.

I was therefore not surprised by the number of people who have posted pictures of supposed UFO sightings on the web. The example here is from www.ufocasebook.com in 2005.

If they ever do arrive - be warned, you will probably be the first to make contact with intelligent life forms from another planet here. I'm not sure if the reverse will be true however.

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