A is for Awful Seaside boozers...in Southend and other Europe Warning Or Danger Tips

The seafront at Southend has it's fair collection of different and indeed indifferent pubs. Some are better than others, but hardly any could be considered suitable for familes.

The Forresters, for example, has for years has 'exotic dancers' on virtually every lunchtime and evening. I took my then girlfriend in one day, as having led a sheltered life she had never encountered the joys of a group of pervy men putting 50p each into a pint pot to see some old tart get her knickers off - not exactly exotic I admit.

Still if you want to see Essex culture in the raw then the loud and racous Forresters is your place.

You will of course note that I avoided calling this tip "Forresters - somewhere to get wood"

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Troubles finding a B & B in County Clare, Ireland.

On busy weekends, book ahead. The conversation below occured on an August weekend in County Clare.

Despite the myriad of Bed and Breakfasts in the village and surrouounding areas
We recently spent 4 hours searching for accommodation around Lehinch, before we struck lucky, and got a whole house to ourselves for the price of a B&B room.

At one house we knocked at the door to enquire about B&B and was greeted by a pair of small boys from the garden who were having a kickabout. After enquiring if their parents were in, they returned after a few minutes.

“Me Da’s not in”

“OK”

“Me Ma’s not in”

“OK”

“There someone on the couch”

“Well can you ask someone on the couch if you have any rooms going”

A few minutes later still the boys returned.

“He said we are all full”

I’m sure I distinctly heard the words “And tell them to Feck off as well” from the distant background.

With customer service like that the Celtic Tiger is in good hands.

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Traffic cops - They will cost you!

Traffic cops in the Czech republic are very keen to get their pound of flesh out of foreign drivers.

Speed traps are especially common at the entrance to towns when the speed limit reduces quickly.

I was caught outside Marianske Lazne, but as the two cops who came over were a stunning blonde and brunette with guns in white holsters and skirts that were I'm sure well above the knee, I almost (let's face it I did) enjoy the experience - much to my wife´s disgust.

The Equivalent of seven quid later I was on my way.

Just remember to be nice and smile - it's not going to cost you an arm and a leg, especially if you insist on a receipt.

Also be careful of making a U-turn on a major road and entering a pedestrian zone (the sign is not obvious). I wriggled out of it on those occasions, but I'm not banking on it again.

Europe A-Z

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Do you suffer from Cacophobia ?

Cacophobia is a recognised medical phobia - it is the fear of ugliness.

You may well find you have this affliction aften about half an hour in Basildon town centre, Essex UK. The Eastgate shopping centre is reasonable, but the rest of the city centre is a vast expanse of souless concrete in the worst traditions of 1960's English town planning - beware !

Basildon is not alone in it's awfulness, just have a look at the book and website 'craptowns' to get an idea of quite how far some towns of the UK are from that picture postcard image the tourist board tries to project to the rest of the world.

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Remember that despite being in the European Economic area some countries, such as Norway, are is not in Euroland - it voted against adopting the Euro. You will therefore need to exchange your hard-earned wonga into Norwegian Crowns (Kr)

Unfortunately exchanging money is not cheap in Oslo. Banks will frequently charge up to 70 kr or more, even for small amounts.

It is probably better to use an ATM or the cheap (ish) foreign exchange Bureau above the tourist info at the Central station : Forex

Forex have a number of branches in Oslo. They appear to offer a better rate than the banks and charge less commission too.

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Not all parts of Britain have an understanding of Healthy eating :

For example, I recently went into "The Lincoln" pub in Splading, Lincolnshire, UK and ordered a pint and a cheese sandwich on Brown Bread.

The pint was duly served, but the barmaid said of the sandwich :

"If you want something fancy you will have to go elsewhere!"

I'm not saying that Spalding is little behind the times, but it must be one of the few places left where the only fanchised burger joint in the centre of town is a Wimpy!

What a choice!

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You thought you had left 1978, but the quality of entertainment in Seaside resorts remains ecreteably low.

You though that 1978 was a long time ago - but No!, any act that last had a decent non-ironic television appearance since 1978 is here for your delectation on stage.

You just couln't make this stuff up : the summer season at the Embassy Theatre (Skegness, Lincolnshire, UK in 2003) included the following performers still pathetically scatching a living out of people who think Lisa Riley is cool :

Showaddywaddy (under the moon of rain)

Jimmy Cricket and Bernie Clifton (the Funny Guys - their words not mine)

Chas'n'Dave (just loopy now)

Keith Harris and Orville.

I despair

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The website designer for the Transport for London (Tfl) tube website appears to have a sense of humour. He or she is conducting an online survey to see what gets up the nose of Londoners on the tube. Here is the list, but I'm sure none of you would ever do any of these disgusting and repulsive things, or be one of these types of people :

People who let their newspapers lie across their neighbour's space

Getting onto trains before passengers have had time to get off

People who pretend they haven't seen pregnant passengers who need seats

People with accordions

****** People who look like they may have an accordion at home ******* (i can't work the stars out either !)

Standing on the left on escalators

People who eat smelly food on trains

People who leave food or newspapers on seats

People with overloud "personal" stereos

People who don't leave newspapers behind (so they can be re-read)

People who ask you for money

People who spread their legs across their neighbours' space

People who don't move down into the carriage

People who keep their rucksacks shouldered on busy trains

People with annoying mobile ringing tones (especially S Club 7, Steps, Back Street Boys, Kylie)

People who pick their nose and flick or eat the contents

People who stop dead at the top or bottom of escalators

People who put their feet on seats

People who jump on and wrestle the doors as they are closing

People who don't know how to say excuse me, please and thank you

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Goat's head soup

One of the national dishes of Albania is a concoction known as Goat's head soup. We had it once (or should it be : it had me ?) and it wasn't too bad at all.

The thought of it however puts it in that league of food along with delicacies such as Bull's testicles and sheeps eyeballs. In some of the wilder parts it may be all that is on the menu.

Perhaps listening to the Stones album of the same name whilst eating it might help.

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Jack the Ripper tours have become big business in London.

If you have 100 people following you around at five pounds a head, then a tidy sum can be earnt.

Unfortunately the reputable companies now have to warn clients that 'hustlers' can sometimes get in on the act. They hold up a few leaflets that look authentic, collect a group, and head off into the night.

If people have paid up front, I presume they then disappear down a dark alley with the loot and the words "I'm Jack and you've been ripped off!".

The only way to avoid this is to telephone the company you are going to use (see tip in Must see activities) and get the name of that day's tour guide. Be sure you get the right person when you meet at Tower Hill tube (they nearly all start from there).

P.S I was goung to write a tip along the lines of try not to be a Victorian prostitute and get wasted on Gin - but I though G would pull it.

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