"bantering around the world" mikeleonard88's Profile

alright there people. below are the emails i sent on my world travels between oct 01-may02. i started off in the U.S. then moved on through australia, thailand, europe and then back home (northern ireland).

The humour (?) is childish, theyre littered with spelling mistakes, incomplete and mostly alcohol fuelled but hopefully you'll find them entertaining and maybe theres even some useful information in there that will help you on your travels (though i doubt it).

CHAPTER1: NEW YORK-NEW ORLEANS

friends, family, associates, peoples who i don't like but whose email address i have

heres some selected "highlights" so far…
- NEW YORK
*went to yankees baseball game which was pretty impressive as it is a lot faster than the rounders we played at school when we were six. the only tickets left were for disabled section which meant i had to sit in a wheel chair ... some people may say i had finally found my rightful place.
*Beer 6/7 dollars a pint - no comment
*central park -full of mental people :rollerblade discos, people rollerbalding, skating, sword fighting , doing martial arts and a crazy 95 year old man dancing about like he'd taken 10 E's.
*statue of liberty - pretty damn small, missed train stop on way there by miles so decided i'd go for a walk in the place where i ended up. was in that middle of 'da hood' and got some funny looks as i think i was the first white man they had seen there in years
*remains of wtc - felt really at home among the reamins of a terrorist attack . nearly a month after attack but still smoke and a lot of dust in the air
*watched columbus day parades - very funny - lots of howlering and god bless america shouts. after i'd cleaned up my sick went up empire state building which was quality despite the 2 and half hour way in a queue

- WASHINGTON DC
*security quite tight everyhwere, saw all the sites - white house, hole in the pentagon,jfks grave, lots of museums etc.
*got talking to a girl one night who turned out to be a Prophet Of God ...which was nice, and she said that i would see the light in the next month and she had me and two english guys shouting prayers in the midlle of the main street in washington.

* next night was sitting having a couple of beers on a park bench (you never lose that bit of class!) with two english blokes when this big bloke called ray came along and he was a good laugh to begin with but then one english guy (who ray was convinced was tim henman) made a comment he didn't like so he pulled a flick knife and put it to tim henmans throat. luckily we calmed him down and continued to talk to him for another couple of hours being very careful what we said.

-PHILIDELPHIA
*people a lot friendlier than nyc and wdc - went on a ww2 submarine and saw the declaration of independence and independence hall and all that but the cultural highlight was undoubtedly the steps at the art museum that 'Rocky' ran up.
*while up the tower at the city hall got cornered by another Evangelical Christian (who said i would see the light soon) for an hour but luckily i escaped again with my Atheism intact .

-PITTSBURGH
* andy warhol museum was best place here but some other modern art place which was the 'must see of pittsburgh' was the biggest load of crap i've seen in my life.

* also ended up spending a night as a minder for a stripper who then organised a free night in a swingers club (which i did not partake in just for the record) which was all very 'interesting' (more details available on request).

- CHICAGO
*got to bears v 49ers anerican football game which was brilliant, bears coming from 15 points down with 5 mins left to level it and win in overtime. also got to blackhawks ice hockey game which was no where near as good as the belfast giants!

*also went to one of the best art museums in the world and on a more cultural note went on standby for tickets for the Jerry Springer show but it wasnt to be, and i was at the toilet when the great man himself walked by - a regret that will haunt me for years to come. went out top miwaukee to the Miller proaganda, sorry brewey tour. met up with an aussie bloke in chicago and since have been travelling with him in his car rather than getting the Craphound bus.

-ST LOUIS-

* Visited the Bud brewery (bit of a theme developing here) and as usual there were some interesting people at the hostel such as Cowboy Pete from Texas (" My names Cowboy, but you can call me Cowboy Pete " - mmm ok).

* On halloween night got talking to a guy in a bar who was organising the halloween parade and we somehow ended up doing security for the parade helping block roads and do traffic control for the halloween parade, which meant i could do my best RUC man impressions - "and is this your own vechile sir...and where are you heading to tonight ..." etc

- MEMPHIS -

*A quick stop in memphis and a an overnight stay at Graceland camp grounds in 'Love Me Tender' boulevard followed by a trip to Graceland the next morning to see the home of 'The King' and buy the lots of crappy Elvis souvenirs.

- NEW ORLEANS -

* Very hot compared to everywhere else and a good party town with lots of good blues and jazz bands. met up with and couple of northern irish boys so went for a few quiet drinks till 8 am.

* Down in the town at night if you throw some crappy plastic necklace beads at a girl she'll flash her breasts at you, which i find both degrading to women and disgusting personally.

Anyway i'm away to buy $100 worth of plastic beads so till next time...

'have a nice day' , anthrax and out

mike

CHAPTER 2 NEW ORLEANS -LOS ANGELES

people...

-NEW ORLEANS
*on last night in new orleans we went and saw a quality blues/ jazz band in a bar and secured a guinness world record travelling there with 9 people in the car. Spent the gig standing beside a bloke in a cow costume who told you a poem and then asked for money as his job...

*next morning said good bye to the staff at the hostel which was made up of 53 permanently stoned hippies and two alligators, and even managed to witness a gangland beating a few yards from the hostel before we left. The gang stopped beating the guy just as i was about to step in and sort out the situation, meaning the gang narrowly escaped the beating of their lives.

- AUSTIN
* We drove onto austin and i dined on a typically extravagant meal of dry cornflakes washed down with some delicious tap water (Quality Meal Number 1).

*Me and Earin hired out a kayak canoe and floated about the river around austin all day (Quality Meal Number 2 - Whole Roast Chicken and Budweiser) and took in the local waters edge wildlife of turtles, many varieties of fish and used condoms.

* One evening headed to a comedy club 'open mircophone' night where anyone can have a go, which confirmed my suspicions that the words america and comedy don't belong in the same sentence together.

*One conversation i had with a texan couple:
Husband:"Where ya from, partner?"
Me: "Near Belfast"
Wife: "I'd a hate ta live thar cos i hate germany"
Husband: "Don't be stoopid, belfast ain't in germany, its a in london. ain't that right partner?'
Me: "Eh yeah something like that"

- NEW MEXICO
* We slept in the car one night right beside the Guadalope mountains , dining on noodles 'cooked' in lukewarm tap water wrapped in a tortilla (Quality Meal Number 3).

*Next day we went to the Carlsbad Caverns (big caves) "which are often called the 8th wonder of the world" but I've heard that plenty of times before, however they were pretty impressive.

*After a quick bout of alien spotting in Roswell and a trip to the UFO museum where aliens must have stolen most of the exhibits because it was mostly just newspaper photocopies stuck on walls, we spend the night near Albequrque.

- GRAND CANYON
* We stayed in a hostel in flagstaff the night before heading to the grand canyon. After a quiet day dandering about flagstaff we returned to our hostel dorm room to find a new a bloke there with "Probably the Smelliest Feet in the World" who then went on that night to display an impressive range and volume of snoring.

* So that 10 minute sleep set me up nicely for a 7 hour hike down the 'Bright Angel' trail down into the Canyon, but it presented no significant obstacle given my near mythical fitnesss level. Even though you've got pretty much the same view all day it doesnt matter cos its so amazing you couldn't really get bored of it. On the way back to flagstaff from the canyon Earin added to his impressive collection of traffic offences already picked up in US and Canada with a ticket for overtaking in a no overtaking zone - he just needs the drink drining one now to complete the set.....

- LAS VEGAS
* From the Grand Canyon, one of america's great natural wonders we travelled to Vegas. Las Vegas is the ultimate sin city - it stands for drugs, drink, gambling and loose woman - in other words everything I stand against but I did my best to fit in anyway just to be polite. We saw lots of "Spectacular Free Shows" (not spectaular), gots lots of "Amazing Free Gifts" (not amazing) and got lots of "Free Drinks and Casino Vouchers" (not free). But mostly we just sat for hour after hour in the 'all you can eat' buffets getting fatter and fatter. mmm....buffet

* Managed to get away without getting married, although at $99 for a tasteful drive-thru affair it was an offer that was almost to good to waste.

* Got to the U2 concert which was absolute quality with them playing all their greatest hits and Bono in top crap talking form.

- CALIFORNIA
*First we headed to Death Valley which stands at the lowest point below sea level in north america and where temperatures can reach 50 degrees C, with its salt flats, multi-coloured rock formations and sand dunes.

*Next we headed to Yosemite National Park which has the most amazing scenery I've ever seen from Giant Sequoia tree forests to sheer cliffs, snow capped peaks and waterfalls (including the tallest waterfall in North America (the Niagara who...?).

*One day we went for a hike to the top of one of the waterfalls and had a good laugh at all Yanks wearing theirilluminous yellow rainjackets or binbags. However littlet did we know that to get right to the top of the waterfall you had to basically run under it and so we got pretty soaked and weren't laughing anymore. However the incident is now closed... and we shall speak of it no more.

* the mountainous terrain proved no problem for 'The Canyanero' (Erins car) which ascended the hills of speeds of up and including 14 miles per hour.

-SAN FRANCISCO
* became a tequila drinker, went to alcatraz (just visiting), went to haight ashbury which was the centre of all the 60's free love stuff which was 'far out man', stopped being a tequila drinker.

-VANCOUVER
* as usual hostel was in a nice area, surrounded by heroins addicts, crazy men and prostitutes.

* the most stereotypical skate/ snowboarder was in our hostel room and everything that he thought was good (which was everything) was either 'gnarly','fat', 'bunk', 'da ***' or 'rad'. after meeting him when we got there he then slept for three days straight waking just i was leaving to tell me he hoped i'd "had a gnarly time in vancouver" and that the rest of my trip would be "one fat , rad trip". gnarly.

* baltic, rain, baltic, rain, beer, baltic , rain ,rain, beer........

* parted company with erin and the canyanero

*so the canyanero was no more and it was back to travelling in the craphound bus and I spent a some of the journey talking to a witch (well she was dressed all in black and was carrying a broomstick)

- SEATTLE
* baltic, rain, baltic, rain, beer, baltic , rain ,rain, beer...

* saw a quality band 'tomahawk' (the guy who used to be singer with faith no more for those who know or care) in the place where nirvana did all their early gigs.

* got to a supersonics basketball game and a seahawks american football game where i got a free poster of the Seattle Seagals cheerleaders which i will treasure forever more.

* Stopped in portland for a night before an overnight onward 14 hour bus journey during which i had the pleasure of sitting beside a former drug baron with some fetching scars where his throat had been slit, followed by the the fattest man in the world and finally this woman who was listening to gospel music on her personal stereo beside me very loud and all through the night was singing all the 'halleleujahs' and every time she sang a hallelujah she would punch me on arm, which was nice.

- LOS ANGELES
* So here I am in Los Angeles, my final stop in the states, commonly refered to as "The Armpit of the Universe" or "The Home of the Beautiful People" so I fit right in. (Because I'm a beautiful person obviously, not because it's the armpit of the Universe). Staying with a friend chris for a week then off to oz to spend christmas sitting on a beach in sydney, its a hard life but someones gotta do it

anyway happy christmas and all that

mike

CHAPTER 3 SYDNEY -BRISBANE

Gday Cobbers

-SYDNEY
Spent three weeks in sydney in a house of 10-15 people, mostly Englanders, who weren't bad banter despite their obvious nationality defect. However they were soon educated by me and Gareth in how to speak proper 'norn ironish' and soon the 'Get it down ye' and 'its baltic mate' phrases were flowing freely.

- Me and G headed to the Oz V S Africa cricket test match for a couple of days which was quality. On 1st day G had a chance for glory as the ball ran off the pitch for 4 runs skipped up off the boundary rope and into the crowd straight towards G's hands. Unfortunately he lost all use of his limbs at this point and made some half arsed, limp wristed attempt to catch the ball and failed miserably to the great amusement and ridicule of 50,000 drunken aussies. Also at match we had our picture taken with the pitch behind us holding up our 'N Ireland Bangor boys on tour' placard, and then were promptly pelted with banannas for our trouble.

- Me and G also headed out of Sydney one day and lit a few fires which ended up causing a bit of trouble...

- Christmas day we had a traditional turkey dinner in the house, all prepared by my own fair hand and then headed down to Bondi beach for a night of revelery, beer , singing, drinking games and pissing in the sea.

- New years eve was quality too, spent down right under the harbour bridge to see the fireworks which were absolutely amazing and which i stayed sober enough to appreciate before the night descended into the inevitable drunken fiasco.

- Also did the sydney harbour bridge climb, fox studios, the zoo, took in an aerial view of syndey from the amp tower and regularly consumed
gallons of salt water while "swimming" at the beach.

* BLUE MOUNTAINS
- Me and G took a two day trip to the blue mountains which was brilliant, with some spectacular scenery. We swam under waterfalls, did some bushwalking, had a trip on the worlds steepest railway, went to the Jenolan caves and did some boomerang throwing (i was obviously the best).

* NUNDLE
- After sydney we moved onto the 'Oz Experience' bus and our bus was the complete party bus, which isnt really my scene but I did my best to fit in anyway. First stop was at a sheep shearing station in Nundle where we got a tour and got to try our hand at sheep sh...earing. Then we had possibilly the greatest party ever that night with all the blokes and gilrs dressing up in dresses and stuff, and G really seemed to get in touch with his feminine side although it has to be said he did seem to be enjoying it a little too much.

*BINGARA
was the next stop where we spent our time messing about on a tree swing in the river and trying to horse ride inclduing some horse surfing where the horse goes into the river and you hold onto its tail and it pulls you along on the water. My horse also decided to try and run through a tree at one stage giving me a nicely wrecked knee (injury no. 1) to add to my bruised arse (injury no. 2) from the general horse riding.

* The surfer/ hippy hang out of BYRON BAY was next and a trip to the beach was essential, so with surf boards in tow we headed down to make fools of ourselves, repeatedly nearly drowning and killing innocent swimmers as our surfers boards went flying out of control and injuries 3 and 4 of bruised chest and *** were incurred.

- ONe night everyone from the bus headed out for a big party night to the bar across form the hostel for a night of high beer consumption and dancing on the tables all night. Most people fell off the tables at some stage including myself, racking up injury no. 5, a skinned shin. G also made some smooth moves throwing beer over the girl he had pulled and then falling off the table and grabbing a very small canadian girl with him to break the fall. She consequently was carried from the bar by the bouncer crying her eyes out, with a suspected broken leg, never to be seen again. How we laughed.

- Next night the Sky One tv cameras arrived to film a toga party at the hostel for "OZ uncovered" but me and G were sensible enough to stay well away and let everyone else disgrace themselves, and they all regretted it the next day having signed disclaimer forms to let everything be aired when they were to drunk to know any better.

- Next me , G and A Canadian guy called Jared headed off on a three day road trip inland taking in some of the local towns with G providing entertainment on guitar throughout the journey. Jared liked to drive on the wrong side of the road and swerve uncontrollably every few minutes which made things interesting. THe first night our attempts to camp on the grass write outside the terminal of the airport in Morree were surprisingly not met well by security so we had to find a camp site. Highlights of the trip included Casino, the beef capital of Australia where we stopped for lunch and had a chicken burger from mcdonalds, nearly knocking over a kangaroo, Bald Knob (!) national forest and Nimbin, the cannabis capital of australia where some of the local 'produce' was sampled, purely for medicinal purposes of course to help relieve the pain of my injuries.

* BRISBANE was the next stop where we spent a few days staying with my cousin and seeing the sights and attended a traditional aussie party where all the blokes walked around with baseball bats all night hitting random objects, usually the dog, and then when they were all drunk got out the boxing gloves and punched the crap out of each other which was nice.
bye!
mike

CHAPTER 4:HERVEY BAY-CAIRNS

A long, long time ago in a country far, far away......

* HeERVEY BAY
- We left Brisbane and headed onto Hervey bay with a few stops on the way including at the 'AUstralia Zoo' which is owned by 'The Crocidile Hunter' Steve Irwin but unfortunately the great man was not there to wrestle with the crocs or try and circumcise a kangaroo or whatever he usually does.

- Next there were two quick one night stops in Moolalaba and Noosa both of which were nice beach towns but with little else to do so the highlight of Moolalaba was me having a family pack of fish and chips to myself and in Noosa Dans chat up line in a club to couple of girls - "hi, if you're bored later come and speak to me" - nice one dan.

- From Hervey bay we headed out on a 3 day 4x4 jeep camping trip to Fraser Island with 9 of us in the jeep including myself, Gareth, 3 english guys we'd been hanging about with Dan, Phil and Si plus 2 english girls Rachael and Internet, a german girl Onion and a yank girl Melissa. It turned out to be 3 of the best days of my trip so far. Everyone got on really well with non stop banter on the 4x4 as we drove about the dirt tracks, beaches and through creeks, seeing plenty of dingos, deadly spiders and big fat fish although that may just have been phil.

- The first night in the tent was a quiet one with just the 144 tins of beer and bottle of tequila consumed (and two people weren't really drinking), resulting in all sorts of sexual antics, breakdancing, rastaman impressions and sickness. Although needless to say the upstanding young man i am i took no part in any of this. The whole time the heaviest rain ever lashed down on on tent on Fraser island where "it hasn't rained in six years" (copyright - girl from company we hired 4x4 from).

- The second and third days continued in much the same vein both banter and weather wise and on the second the 'dance off' drinking game was invented whereby everyone is given a card and if two people are drawn they must have a 15 second dance off with the loser having to drink: possibly the greatest drinking game in history.

* DINGO
- After a one night stop in bergara we headed on the oz experinece bus to dingo and unbeleiveably got a "dance off" going on the bus and it was no co-incidence that that all the nice looking scandinavian girls names were chosen at random to compete.

- Dingo was a quality pplace. Its basically a massive cattle ranch in the middle of no where and on our first night there the usual party went off with line dancing (?!) and the usual dancing on tables including dan dancing completely naked - nice one dan.

- Next day we got a tour of the cattle ranch in the back of a open air cattle truck and saw lots of(without wishing to get technical) big cattle. Also saw a few kangaroos, the ranger bloke was nice enough to also ask for my t-shirt and them fire bullets through it , then we all tried and failed miserably at whip cracking, boomerang throwing and didgeridoo playing (i know, i know i'm such a tourist!).

* AIRLIE BEACH/ WHITSUNDAY ISLANDS
- From airlie beach we headed out for a 3day/ 2 night yacht trip to the Whitsunday islands on the anaconda II yacht with a group of about 30 including 7 of our fraser island group, plus steve a new member of 'the gang'.

- 3 relaxing days were spent sunbatheing on deck (very very very hot and humid), snorkelling on the reef, stopping at some amazing unspoilt beaches, a round of golf (or a very close approximation) on south molle island which must be one of the most picturesque courses about and of course a few beers at night and rachael threw up... for a change.

- We also had a fat 30 stone canadian bloke on our yacht called brian who had had a personality bypass and was probably the most annoying person i have ever met. All he did was constantly walk around the deck asking all the girls to rub sunlotion into his back, much to their delight.

- And so back to airlie for (another) big night with Gareth and Dan getting to the finals of kareoke and rachael and melissa to the finals of the wet t-shirt competiton ...and fat brian getting thrown out of the bar for taking too many pervy pictures of the wet t-shirt competition.

* MACKAY
-was the next stop for me and g to stay with my auntie, uncle and cousin and the venue for our 'detox week'. It was so so hot and humid that it was impossible to do anything outside very early in the morning or late at night. Saw some cool national park, rainforest, platypus, roo's and wallabies.

- I also discovered that I am part aboriginal as my uncles brothers wifes great great great grandmothers step daughter was aboriginal - this probably explains my legendary sense of direction.

- One day we were forced, sorry invited, to speak in in a couple of the classes of the school my auntie teaches in about the troubles in northern ireland and ireland in general. Some of the more interesting questions included (and these were all serious q's and from 16/ 17 year olds) - "do you like stone walls?", "do you live in poverty?", "are there lots of people in ireland with clubbed feet?", "do you have lice?", and "do you have universities?".

- Well, our detox week ended on day 5 as we went out for a few sociables. After escaping the 'worst bar in the world ever' Gareth arrived back to the house at 5am and gashed his arm trying to climb the back gate to get in the back door because he couldnt work out the very complictaed latch system to open the door. I mean while ended up at a house full of nazi boys who scared me a lot so when i got the chance i did a runner and realised i didnt know hwere i was. That was about 4am , after a few detours of the greater mackay region i arrived home at 8am.

* MISSION BEACH
- We moved on from Mackay to Mission Beach via Airlie and Townsville. Stayed at mission for a couple of days and did a day of white water rafting on the Grade 5 Tully river. It was 7 to a raft plus the guide and was quality stuff. The 13km route took a good 5 hours but it was a brilliant laugh, capsizing at every other rapid, body rafting, jumping into the river off massive rocks and wrestling on the backs of upturned rafts.

* CAIRNS
- And so to Cairns with just a quick stop on the way to visit Paranella park. Our guide told us "prepare to be amazed, this will be a life changing experience and your dreams will be fulfilled" - it was alright.

- Me and Gareth headed out of Cairns for a bungee jump and being an experineced bungee vetran (of 1 jump) I had to comfort and guide the nervous Gareth through his virgin jump, but he did ok for a beginner and will improve with practice.

- Me and Gareth also headed down to the aquarium to go diving in one of the tanks with all the fish including sharks!! (white reef i think, which are very very dangerous). I guided the nervous gareth through the dive.

- Next up was Gareths 22nd birthday on valentines day and he was positivelty delighted with the array of presents showered on him on this most special day. They included: a pair of rubber gloves, a toy piano, a toy guitar, strawberry lip gloss and 12 sachets of dry yeast (Gareth is allergic to yeast). Next 5 or 6 of dyed our hair for the big night and i was 'beautiful in blue', Gareth was 'Gay in Pink' and Dan took the hair dyeing think a little too far and dyed his pubes too ('Gorgeuos green' for the record)- nice one dan. The usual drunkedness enused with Gareth joining the pub band on stage to sing a renedintion of Wonderwall (this was to become a regular guest slot for gareth with the band most nights).

- IMPORTANT NEWS - The final major happening in Cairns was that in the words of the man himself Gareth had "the perfect poo, that also required very little cleansing" - cheers for that G.

So alas me and g must bid a tearful farewell in a couple of days then i'm onto sydney again briefly then melbourne for the grand prix then onto thailand.......

hope everyones well
take it easy
mike

please go to my travel pages for the exciting final chapter of 'bantering around the world'!