"AMSTERDAM – SEX, DRUGS AND ROTTEN ROLLS" Amsterdam by JohnnySpangles

The trouble with Amsterdam is the food. For a major city that’s got a lot of things going for it, e.g. smut, dope, art, canals, more smut etc, it really lets itself down on the scoff. This is surprising because you would think there would be millions of people wandering around with the late-might munchies after smoking all that grass. I’ve been there quite a few times and although remembering anything is difficult after going to Amsterdam, contrary to popular belief ‘it’ does affect your memory, I can’t remember a single meal that was worthy of a hearty belch. Indeed one particular lunch, and I blame the green stuff growing on the bread rolls, left my bowels severely traumatised for days afterwards. So, if you’re going to Amsterdam for the weekend, remember to take some sandwiches, otherwise you could find yourself hovering over a Dutch kharzi all day.

Most people’s idea of Amsterdam is that of a wickedly naughty Sin City. The trouble is that ‘most people’ have managed to turn what was once a terrifically seedy red light area into nothing more than a fairly tame sex theme park. At the weekends the area is crowded beyond belief, mostly with tiresome British stag parties. As there are so many drunken British men there, mostly for a gawp, a snigger and little else, I would imagine that the poor girls in the windows do very little trade. If the sexually retarded British are clogging up the streets with their puke and boorish rugby-club bonhomie, then they’re probably putting everybody else off as well. Even the live sex clubs have coach party car parks now. If you want good old-fashioned sleaze these days, then I suggest you go to Hamburg instead.

NICE NEIGHBOURS

If real-life nudity is not your bag, and you prefer your titillation to come with a frame around it, then Amsterdam has a marvellous selection of galleries. The Rijksmuseum is not as good as you think it is, apart from the Rembrandts and the Vermeers. More entertaining are The Stedelijk, the modern art museum, the Van Gogh Museum and Rembrandt’s House. The latter has a wonderful collection of engravings by the man himself including examples of his lucrative little sideline in hard-core pornography, which only goes to show that it’s been around a long time, especially in Amsterdam.

BIG SKIES, SMALL CARS

The Anne Frank House brings you down to earth with a sobering reminder of the real-time effects of bigotry, racism, despotism and ethnic cleansing. Thank God such dreadful things don’t happen any more and that the human race has been so much more civilised since the last world war. I suggest you read the diary before you go, in fact I would further suggest it should probably have been standard school reading in Cambodia, Afghanistan, China, Iraq, South Africa, Sierra Leone, Russia, Northern Ireland, Uganda, Rwanda, The Balkans etc. etc. etc.

If you fancy gambling in a casino you’ll find that the means of accessing such places are a little easier than the draconian regulations imposed on us Brits by our over-protective nanny-state. The main casino is next to The American Hotel, and all you need are clothes that aren’t made out of denim and a passport. Having gained painless admission you are free to gamble away the remainder of your holiday money that you haven’t already spent on hash, and then giggle like a girl when it’s all gone. Don’t forget to take a Mars Bar for afters though.