"Cleethorpes - Gateway to the Humber Estuary" Cleethorpes by JohnnySpangles

Cleethorpes Travel Guide: 39 reviews and 88 photos

Place Of Me Birth

Cleethorpes, a salty little resort on the East coast of England. It describes itself as a seaside resort although it actually lies on the lip of the Humber River which affords fine views of merchant shipping. The best time to visit is Sept-May, i.e. out of season. All the pubs, clubs and bingo halls are still open and the local women are gagging for new talent as there is a shortage of holidaymakers. Likewise the local male population have no tourists to stab hence your chance of hospitalisation is higher. For a wonderful curry (one of the best in the UK) try Indigos in the marketplace or for an idea of how desperate the bars can sink try the Swashbuckle opposite what was the Clifton Bingo Club (which is now about to become flats). Further nightlife can no longer be obtained at the Lifeboat Hotel pub (demolished to build flats), the Winter Gardens concert venue (demolished to build flats) or JD's Nightclub (you've guessed it).

www.johnnyspangles.com

If you are looking for a nice flat on the seafront then Cleethorpes now has plenty. They're all brand new, and empty following the property slump. Unfortunately, just like its neighbour Grimsby, Cleeethorpes has a town council that can't see beyond the end of its snout. The simple logic that says; if you destroy all the things that made people want to live in the town then sooner or later people won't want to live in the town, seems to have escaped them.

The beach is still there so they've still got one photo to put in the town's tourist brochure. However, due to lack of protection, the sand dunes have long gone. They've yet to build flats on them but its only a matter of time.

The beach is good for used syringe collecting and the sea is just about safe for swimming as long as you are willing to fight your way through the sewerage outflows and discarded sanitary ware.

www.johnnyspangles.com

Also make sure you try the Pleasure Island Theme Park, the only theme park in the UK where you are guaranteed no queues. Cleethorpes, it’s good for a saucy weekend but don’t make a life out of it.

Pros and Cons
  • Pros:Cheap Booze, Cheaper Women
  • Cons:The Wind Around Your Gusset
  • In a nutshell:The Last Resort, or so it unbelievebly boasts.
  • Last visit to Cleethorpes: Aug 2002
  • Intro Updated Aug 12, 2008
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Reviews (11)

Comments (10)

  • RafaelTheSecond's Profile Photo
    Oct 11, 2007 at 8:24 AM

    YES, UK HAS A NICE COASTLINE, WITH MANY DIFFERENT THINGS TO DO, WOW!:)

  • allikat's Profile Photo
    Sep 14, 2007 at 3:11 AM

    I came here for a wedding years ago - you have described it exactly as I remember it! Brilliant!

  • Jul 9, 2003 at 10:55 AM

    FANTASTIC review of the town I call home. I've escaped twice but it keeps on calling me! Well done Spud

  • sourbugger's Profile Photo
    Jun 9, 2003 at 4:03 AM

    It must be something about lincolnshire - I seem to have found a like minded individual - sourbugger. PS is Cleethorpes just a bit posh compared to Skeggy or what ?

  • jmmorgan's Profile Photo
    Jun 9, 2003 at 3:53 AM

    Now I know why I have never had the urge to visit Cleethorpes. Must be my inbuilt sense of self preservation!

  • Agraichen's Profile Photo
    Dec 19, 2002 at 12:02 PM

    Outstanding commentary. This page is a "Must See Activity:" for VT.

  • dantes2's Profile Photo
    Oct 19, 2002 at 5:46 PM

    Best page I've ever seen...I haven't seen many pages....

  • phil_uk_net's Profile Photo
    Oct 10, 2002 at 11:26 AM

    Wonderful! Waiting for your Skegness page.

  • seagull69's Profile Photo
    Sep 29, 2002 at 12:54 PM

    No, Eddie, the Spanish tourist board already employ him to stop people staying in England. Good one Johnny.

  • DOUGALSMUM's Profile Photo
    Sep 20, 2002 at 1:39 PM

    I THINK I COULD BECOME JOHNNYSPANGLES NUMBER ONE FAN!!!! I LOVE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR.

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