"Cleethorpes - Gateway to the Humber Estuary" Cleethorpes by JohnnySpangles
Cleethorpes Travel Guide: 39 reviews and 88 photos
Cleethorpes, a salty little resort on the East coast of England. It describes itself as a seaside resort although it actually lies on the lip of the Humber River which affords fine views of merchant shipping. The best time to visit is Sept-May, i.e. out of season. All the pubs, clubs and bingo halls are still open and the local women are gagging for new talent as there is a shortage of holidaymakers. Likewise the local male population have no tourists to stab hence your chance of hospitalisation is higher. For a wonderful curry (one of the best in the UK) try Indigos in the marketplace or for an idea of how desperate the bars can sink try the Swashbuckle opposite what was the Clifton Bingo Club (which is now about to become flats). Further nightlife can no longer be obtained at the Lifeboat Hotel pub (demolished to build flats), the Winter Gardens concert venue (demolished to build flats) or JD's Nightclub (you've guessed it).
If you are looking for a nice flat on the seafront then Cleethorpes now has plenty. They're all brand new, and empty following the property slump. Unfortunately, just like its neighbour Grimsby, Cleeethorpes has a town council that can't see beyond the end of its snout. The simple logic that says; if you destroy all the things that made people want to live in the town then sooner or later people won't want to live in the town, seems to have escaped them.
The beach is still there so they've still got one photo to put in the town's tourist brochure. However, due to lack of protection, the sand dunes have long gone. They've yet to build flats on them but its only a matter of time.
The beach is good for used syringe collecting and the sea is just about safe for swimming as long as you are willing to fight your way through the sewerage outflows and discarded sanitary ware.
Also make sure you try the Pleasure Island Theme Park, the only theme park in the UK where you are guaranteed no queues. Cleethorpes, it’s good for a saucy weekend but don’t make a life out of it.
- Pros:Cheap Booze, Cheaper Women
- Cons:The Wind Around Your Gusset
- In a nutshell:The Last Resort, or so it unbelievebly boasts.
Sit beneath the pier, listen to the waves and then dodge the vomit as someone throws up over the railings. Losing my... more travel advice
Bring your own power supply as Cleethorpes is in the North of England and elecrticity is a new-fangled instrument of the... more travel advice
- Spilling Pints.
- Slot Machine Arcades.
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