"COPENHAGEN - ALMOST WONDERFUL " a Copenhagen Travel Page by JohnnySpangles

It’s not a bad old place Copenhagen, although I probably wouldn’t go as far as describing it as wonderful, wonderful. If I’m being generous I might score it half-way to the first wonderful. I’ve always had fun there but somehow it seems to happen more by accident than design. If I was planning to go somewhere for buckets of fun and games, I probably wouldn’t choose Copenhagen. However it does keep surprising me. Little unexpected bursts of hedonism sneak out from dark corners when I least expect them. The first time I went, which was only for one night, I ended up sleeping on the station steps after an unexpected adventure in the outer suburbs with two oriental ladies and a man with a large gun. I can heartily recommend the station steps as budget accommodation as they’re fully serviced with en-suite prostitutes and also feature hot and cold running drug-pushers. If you’re really lucky, like I was, the cabaret comes on at about five in the morning and they’ll perform a live stabbing for your entertainment. The second time I went to Copenhagen wasn’t quite so dramatic, but I did end bouncing from bar to bar until I eventually fell in the harbour.

Most recently I had more time to spend in Copenhagen, so I took it at a leisurely pace. I actually went to some of those tourist places you are supposed to go to. Firstly I walked miles and miles to the mouth of the harbour to see the famous statue of the little mermaid. There were lots of other tourists making the same arduous pilgrimage too, all laden down with full backpacks in the unrelenting summer heat. When they finally got there they all said the same thing, but in many different languages. This unity of expression could be roughly translated as, “Is that it?”

The Copenhagen Tourist Board actually employs a man to stand near the statue to placate disgruntled tourists. He points out, quite calmly, that all along the promise has been of a ‘little’ mermaid statue, not the Colossus of Rhodes nor the Statue of Liberty, but a ‘little’ mermaid. The three centimetre high statue sits demurely astride a thimble. Having got all this way most tourists jostle to take photos with their macro lenses bursting at the seams of their focal length, whilst others just sit back and wish they’d gone to Oslo instead. The statue has been vandalised many times, it’s not difficult to understand why.

Then there’s Nyhavn, which presumably means New Harbour, although it’s supposed to look old. This is a restaurant lined dead-end of a canal which has been tarted up and now claims to ‘evoke the spirit of old Copenhagen’. I caught a tourist boat from here to try and evoke some more ancient spirits via a tour of the old canal system. The courier stood at the front of the boat with a microphone. She said all her ‘Wilkommens’ and ‘Bienvenues’ and then told us to watch out for low bridges. As we approached the first such bridge she forgot to duck, smacked the back of her head on the ironwork and knocked herself out. When something like this happens, and there’s a pool of blood oozing out of a gaping wound for added realism, you’re never quite sure how to take it. There’s a few silent seconds where people are trying to weigh up as to whether it’s all part of the show or not. She’d just made a joke about low bridges then seconds later she’s face down on the deck with her nose stuck in a knothole. Is she suddenly going to jump up and perform some more slapstick to keep us entertained? When she feebly raised the bloodied microphone and croaked, “Help me”, we realised it might be for real. So we had to return to the dock, wait for an ambulance and then wait for the boat company to rustle up another, shorter, courier. Apparently this wasn’t a rare event amongst the courier community. The new one told us that the average life expectancy of a Copenhagen Boat Courier was on a par with that of a World War One fighter pilot. I think she was expecting some sort of tip though.

Tivoli is famous for something, probably for being the world’s first theme park. It’s got a certain old world charm; a lake, lanterns, rides, restaurants and fireworks. However it is outrageously expensive. The rides and the food are especially so. It’s probably cheaper to scoff five hotdogs from a street vendor then spend the rest of the evening riding around on Copenhagen’s tram system with your eyes closed. When you’ve finished being sick you can stand outside the Tivoli gates to watch the fireworks for free at midnight.

The best place to go in Copenhagen though, is the zoo. They have the finest selection of monkeys you’ll find this side of the Congo. These include Red-Arsed Baboons, with bigger haemorrhoid problems than me, and Smart-Arsed Baboons that think it’s funny to urinate from a great height. As well as amusing apes there are loads of other high smelling beasts for your children to poke fun at. There are also interactive sessions where the zoo-keepers allow things like tarantulas and boa constrictors to have a go at getting their revenge on your fun-poking children.