"Boulogne - Nausea in Nausicaa" Boulogne-sur-Mer by JohnnySpangles

Yes it is a bit of an unfortunate name, isn’t it? Do you think anyone told them that it sounded a bit icky-tummy-sicky-poo? I would imagine they did, but they’d probably already had the souvenir key-rings and tea-towels printed by then. However it is a damned fine word to say with some gusto if you are actually on the point of vomiting as in: “Did that lobster have a funny taste? I feel a bit nausi-caaaaaaghhhh’. You get the picture.

THE QUEUE FOR THE SMALL CHILD THAT'S FALLEN IN

I can’t tell you much about Boulogne, other than it has a nice beach and that a parking place in high season is as rare as a baked bean tin in a French supermarket , but I can tell you a bit about one of its major attractions, which is Nausicaa. This is allegedly the biggest fish tank in Europe, although the North Sea may have something to say about that. Thanks to the miserably unfit condition of our weakling pound it isn’t particularly cheap to get in and there’s not much change out of 50 euros for a family of four but you do get your money’s worth in terms of the sheer weight of fish on display. I have to admit it is also more entertaining than the cheaper trip to the fishmonger’s window that I’d originally suggested, as the fish are still flapping around.

You can’t knock it for the variety of sealife on display and the imagination that engineered the weird and wonderful tanks they are in. On the downside you’ll probably find that your peaceful contemplation of our marine friends through a plexiglass window will occasionally be shattered by parties of obnoxious schoolchildren who have failed to grasp the meaning of the words ‘Excuse-moi’, even in their own language. However a swift elbow to the side of the head, when nobody’s looking, usually sorts the problem out and makes you feel a whole lot better. Or, better, still a hefty shove over the side of the shark tank should serve as a warning to other transgressors

NICE MANICURE BUT VERY DRY SKIN

There’s a lot of preaching about how Man is mucking up the oceans, in fact too much. I think message-saturation point was reached halfway through a 3D film in which Jacques Cousteau’s Great Grandson’s Cousin Twice Removed lectured the audience about how it was all my fault that there’s only one mackerel left in the English Channel. Without a word of a lie, his big finger came right out of the screen and pointed at me specifically. How did he find out?

The cafes and drinks are very, very cheap inside Nausicaa so I wouldn’t bother with a picnic of sweaty baguettes and warm pop on this particular trip. However taking a picnic basket may enable you to smuggle some fishing line and bait into the complex which will make your trip much more entertaining. I’d caught two penguins and a crocodile before I was thrown out.