"ROUEN - 3 TRAMPS, 2 VOICES AND A MOON CARROT" Rouen by JohnnySpangles

Rouen’s biggest claim to fame is that it was here that arch mischief-maker Joan of Arc got her comeuppance. She was burnt in the square in front of the Cathedral by the occupying British, normally a tolerant and fair-minded race of people. However she had been inciting all sorts of rebellious behaviour and then claiming it to be the fault of voices in her head. As ‘care in the community’, ‘The Mental Health Act’ and loony bins were yet to be invented, torture and burning were generally viewed as being compassionate ways to deal with the insane.

Rouen is also famous for the bridge in the picture. This bridge crosses the River Seine via a little islet in the middle of the river. Down on the islet it is possible to watch the mating behaviour of tramps, drug addicts and alcoholics. I spent at least ten minutes, in broad daylight, watching some spaced-out old trout getting banged by a tramp before one of his acquaintances hit him over the head with a bottle. This erotic little scene was further cut short when the impact of the bottle caused him to vomit up all the previous evenings’ methylated spirits. Who says the French have lost all their romance?

BRIDGE OF THIGHS

I was in Rouen for a photojournalism conference. This wasn’t one of the biggest photojournalism bashes in the world so everything was done on the cheap. Despite the fact that my agency had allowed them to exhibit eighty odd of our pictures they still thought it fitting to put me up in a hotel that oozed old world charm out of every prefabricated sheet of plasterboard. I found myself in the Saint Joan Suite and could understand how, if she had actually stayed in this hotel, she would have heard voices in her head. On one side I could hear the constant coughing of a chain smoker and on the other the constant rutting of the boss of a medical supplies company having it away with his secretary all weekend. It’s easy to see how she would have mistaken them for God.

MAYBE LOST IN THE TRANSLATION

Another highlight of the trip was witnessing a street performance of the legendary Mister Moon Carrot. Contrary to popular belief Jimi Hendrix did not die of a drugs overdose but sneaked out of the limelight to seek a better life with his puppet collection on the streets of Rouen. If you ever go to Rouen make sure you catch the show, the bridge one that is

• Pros:MOON CARROT AND HIS LITTLE FRIENDS
• Cons:OPEN AIR TRAMP EROTICA
• In a nutshell:THE SMELL OF BURNING MARTYRS