"Spicy Thai" a Bangkok Travel Page by Unknownsu

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Cashew Chicken

Disaster struck at a popular hot food restaurant in Bangkok as a dining farang's posterior exploded during one of their typically spicy meals. The fiery flatulence injured 14 other diners, but fortunately no one was killed.

The "Dante's Inferno" eatery is said to serve up the hottest food in Bangkok, but recently came under criticism by Thai locals, who thought the food was bland. This sparked the staff to push the envelope in creating more flammable fare. Investigators from the Bangkok arson squad suspect that this may have led to the disaster.

The combustible connoisseur who had been gulping down the famed "Salvo Soup", refused to strap himself into the "safety seat" which is provided for all diners by the hot food staff. Another lady had made it all the way through her main course only to have the top of her head erupt in a fiery blaze as she ate the "Flame Flan" dessert offering.

Strangely, all the offerings are priced at only 5 baht, while a single bottle of beer is 200 baht, the highest beer price in Bangkok. Since patrons cannot wait for the waitresses to bring them beer, Dante's has a beer counter where 4 bartenders work non-stop opening bottles of beer, having little effect on the line of thirsty diners which is at least 15 deep at all times. Doctors of the Bangkok International Hospital have recently set up a triage area where they evaluate the seriousness of the burn victims, prioritizing them for service on the infinite beer line. VT was able to interview the triage chief of staff Dr. Jerry Quackaquackmonsonmon:

VT: Dr. Quack....quack.....uh.
JQ: Call me Dr. 'J'.
VT: Dr. J, How do you prioritize victims for the beer line?
JQ: Well, we do a quick visual inspection and ask all the patients to stick out their tongues.
VT: What treatment do you prescribe for the patients?
JQ: The remedy of choice is beer and we sell plenty of it.
VT: Well, how do you decide who goes to the front of the beer line?
JQ: Flaming heads get preference over the flame breathers. Once in a while we get one that has flames shooting out of their ears....we have beer muffs for those guys.
VT: "Beer muffs"?
JQ: Yeah, you know they have Singha Gold in the muffs. That way it's applied directly, cutting off the oxygen and extinguishing the flame between the ears.
VT: Shouldn't these people be treated at a hospital?
JQ: Yeah, but business at the Hospital is bad these days. Nobody has money to pay for treatment, but all that changes when they're on fire! We get a cut of the beer sales y'know?..

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Pineapple Fried Rice

For all the faith put in this triage system, some burned victims are forced to go to the hospital, claiming that the beer remedy puts out the actual blaze, but does little to relieve the burning. VT obtained the following interview from the hospital room of the Flammable Flatulator:

VT: Can you please tell us what happened?
FF: Well, I ordered the Salvo soup and started to chow down. I definitely felt something sliding down my tongue, but tasted nothing but pain.
VT: The food had no taste?
FF: No. Well, if you're gonna be picky about it, it did kind of feel like I had been snorting turpentine, but that was just in my nose. My mouth had more of a cleaning fluid taste in it.
VT: How did you deal with that?
FF: Well, after the first sip, I bolted off to the beer line waving off 2 doctors who tried to give me the Heimlich maneuver. One quick fire-belch cleared out those sissy boys in the beer line with the flaming ears and I was at the front of the queue. I slammed down a 1,000 baht bill on the bar and they started pouring Singha on my tongue. When the ringing in my ears stopped, I went back to my table.
VT: You went back for more?
FF: I'm not like those other nancy-boys. If the Thais can eat this sh!t, then so can I.
VT: What happened next?
FF: As soon as I was able to regain the focus back in the eyes, I started slurping that stuff again. At this point, you could have fired a shotgun into my mouth and I would not have felt it. Strangely, it didn't feel like snorting turpentine anymore. This time, it was more like diesel fluid. Then I took a third spoonful.
VT: Holy sh!t! You had more?
FF: I thought I could handle it, then I felt this gaseous mass rising from my stomach. It was like those lava flows you see on the Discovery channel, y'know? I knew I was in trouble but when I looked over to the next table for help, I noticed the man's head was on fire. Then, I felt myself being propelled forward (hearing the blast 2 seconds later) and the next thing I know, I'm here in a hospital room.
VT: Oh my Buddha! Why didn't you take their offer of the safety seat?
FF: They're such a pain in the ass. You're all strapped in and by the time you get out of the blasted thing, the beer line is already out the door!
VT: Are you going to be OK?
FF: Well, I can't breathe through my windpipe anymore, but I think that won't be a problem since I get plenty of oxygen from the fire-hole in my ass. At some point and without my knowledge, the soup slid out of my mouth and burned my clothing clean off, leaving me with second-degree burns. I think I'll be OK, but I wish I could turn off the sound of boiling water in my head....