IngaA's VirtualTourist Home Page

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the place,
the aroma of cinnamon, nutmeg and mace.
The stockings were hung by Sir Geoff and his mare
in hope that old Santa
has some change to spare
The children of members were snug in their beds,
while Dumpy and Inga were scratching their heads.
Acore in her kerchief and Daarth in his cap
Had settled for grog and a flagon of sack
When out in the forum there arose such a clatter
It was Berni and Eddie...now WHAT is the matter??
Away to the window Roz flew like a flash,
Hoping for Bryant and some ready cas

'The stockings were hung by Sir Geoff and his Mare?'
Oh, Darby, or Darby you know that's not fair!
What about Rudolph, stuck up in that tree?
I'm sure I just heard him mutter "No presents for me?"

And what about King G at home in La,
And others all heading away?
All bidding in Auctions they're hoping to win,
Perhaps meeting with Kiwi for Turkey and Gin?

And starting from midnight till morning sunshine
Inga & Carmen will drink bottles of wine

his eye to the telescope our Darby looked out
through the swirling of snow on the Christmas eve night
till at last he gave out one almighty cheer
Its good old St Nick.... at last.... he is here

but then, what a shock ! it made him unsteady !
for there in the Sleigh there was Berni and Eddie !
they carried him off to the Dumpymotel
for mince pies, plum pudding and crackers as well

the mulled wine was strong and it went to Daves head
he decided to switch to the whisky instead
then things all began to get rather blurry
was that Eddie atop the tree dressed as a fairy ?

as the whisky took hold and the room spun around
the policemen arrived and took the sleigh to the pound
then Santa turned up, and boy ! was he mad
he said ` theres no presents because you`ve all been bad`

the naughty VTers all begged on their knees
and because it was Christmas, Santa listened to their pleas
so he sprinkled the fairy dust, all glittery and red
and then Dave woke with a start ! he`d been dreaming in bed

what was that strange shape in Santas red sack ?
when he opens it up, my goodness its Craic !
and whats in the stocking dangling there at the hearth
Quick, lets unwrap it, oh lovely, its Daarth
With all of that wine and the laughing and drinking,
Mariya joined in and forgot what she's thinking.
Her eyes, how they twinkled, her spirit how merry!
Her dumplings were cheese-filled and otherwise scary.

from under the tree there came sounds like groaning
inspection revealed it was Rudolph still moaning
Im out in the cold again, he said, oh f&!@ #t
but we found his head was stuck in the ice bucket

so we dried him off and he put on a Beret [!]
and he sipped at his drink, a brandy [ with cherry ]
he nibbled at the cake till it was all gone
there wasnt a crumb left for Eddie101

On Berni, On Eddie, On Rachel and all...
Now dash away, crash away smash away! LOL!
To the top of the ratings, to the top of the list
Drink snowballs and mulled wine...enough to get P****d!
The snow on the roof of the Dumpy Motel
Was so icy and slippery that Santa's sleigh fell.
Matcrazy and Herzog had scooped up the gifts,
The sleigh and the reindeer were buried in drifts.

Though they set of then to deliver the gifts
they had to keep stopping to take lots of pics
but they plodded on through the snowstorms cold rages
each was thinking of how this would make really good pages
Hooray, here?s the sleigh, its got a new driver
the man at the reigns is our friend Tropicdiver
its lucky he?s here to help because you see
without him `twill be Easter before they get to Kiwi

Eddie and Berni were discussing the Christmas crackers,
so long as there's no curly fish in Bernis, was all that mattered.
Eddie didn't want a paper hat perched on her big hair,
Berni shouts, but everyone's wearing them, that's just not fair!.
We all sat discussing the dinner with Turkey and stuffing,
but as usual, Berni and Eddie got onto topics like muffin.
You'll get us deleted, cried the voices from the aisles,
especially when we started on Travelinx's piles.
Inga was guzzling the Vodka down by the glass,
I have never seen a little fish drink so fast!
Daarth was getting drunker, swigging Whiskey, just single Malt.
he started to slur, it wasn't me, it's not my fault.
Our Jen was reciting Haiku, and we all thought of Rosie,
let's hope she comes back to the forums, and makes it all cosy.
Ivan was teaching his granny to suck eggs,
that's his favourite saying, since he's known Ed.
G was getting flabbergasted, at all of this noise,
behave VT children or I'll take away your toys! .
We all tried to be quiet, like little church Mice,
but along came more drinks and buckets of ice!

Oh Berni and Eddie behave yourselves, dears!,
And Darby and Rach, go fetch some more beers.
It's almost the time for Rudolph and Santa
To deliver the presents from The Pole to Atlanta.
Now if you've been good, and not mentioned 'Auction',
A note to Saint Nick might bring you good fortune.
But if you've bee naughty and criticized here,
All I can say is Better Luck Next Year, Ho ho ho!!

Geoff Wright and Phildeni, the old geezers from the Muppets box,
were bemoaning the fact of more knickers and socks.
Derby and Dumpy were searching for some Sherry,
they had heard that it made Carmen rather merry.

Alza and Ddvito came in and were discussing Sean Connery,
they wanted to smooch him and get naughty,Mistleto wasn't obligatory.
Rachel had good news, father christmas had gotten rid of her pains,
no more crappy neighbours next door, she's going to live in Spain

behave ? me and Eddie ?
perhaps when we`re old, not yet, we`re not ready !
where would you all be without us poking fun ?
lets be very merry, all of us every one !

Now your getting personal, Eddie my Gal,
And I used to believe that you and I were pals,
Any more of this, and I'm sorry, that's your lot,
I'll be round in a jiffy to block off your 'pot'

Then you'll be tearful, and moaning your'e sad,
It'll be your own fault for being so bad!
What will you do then? Whatever to do?
'Cause then Santa won't be climbing your chimney Flue.

We ate and we drank till we were all full
and played party games with Madasabull
then after when we thought all our guests were gone
there snoring in the corner was Shashasharon

So the party restarted and we all had a dance
who?s doing the twist ? oh its just Vivalafrance
now someone is going over there to hug her
I don?t believe it !! its old Sourbugger !

Acore awoke from the noise on the roof,
Looked over at Daarth and was very aloof.
Oh MY! How did you get here,
what are you doing with me?
She arose from the bed and she started to flee.

She turned at the door and started to plea
"Why me, why me, why not another VT?"
Then there was a crash, quite a big clatter
She ran from the room to see what was the matter.
Poor Daarth looked aflux there in his night cap
Said,"I just settled here for a long winters nap!"
He jumped from the bed hoping Santa was there.
To his dismay, he found only a single reindeer.
Now Acore was steaming, her head was afire
Then said "Leave now, I wish to retire!"
Daarth climbed atop Vixen held tight on his reins
"Now, now, Acore you should not complain"
Acore, now angry did hold the door open
Daarth sitting there on the deer now a smokin'
"Get out, get out, get out of my sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

I'm sorry dear Geoff, that I spelt your name wrong,
I haven't been drinking, it's only Coffee, but strong.
Please don't block up my flue, I might need it just then,
otherwise it's knickers to you, and I'll make sure I peed them!

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the site
Not a creature was stirring, not even Geoff Wright
The threads were adorned with racy info.
Hoping that Giampiero would not go commando.

Europe VT was nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of secret crushes danced in their heads;
Eddie in her nightshirt, dreaming of Reno-
I sit at my screen reading ?those in the know?

When out of the speakers there came such a noise,
I jumped full well knowing it must be the boys.
Away to the threads I clicked like a flash,
Tore open the forum and immediately saw the clash.

Anchovy56, Deus Ultima, and Jeff too
Flexing their off beat wit in a manner a bit blue
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a closed minded newbie, whose not used to us here

With a blustry temper, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be someone thick
More rapid than eagles his diatribe came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name

"Now, Dennis! now, Ultima! now, Seabiscuit and Darby!
On, Gwilym! on Bugger! on, Anchovy!
Get out of the gutter! Get out of the trash!
Or you?ll soon have the women talking so brash

As members join and build their pages with pics,
And fill their experiences and opinions in the tips
So up to the occasion the VT boys mustered
And turned their attention to the noob who blustered,

And then, in a twinkling, I saw in print quick
The new voice squelched by the old-timers right click.
Craic, Berni, Alza, and Eddie came in
The verbal bloodbath was about to begin

But Eddie was there as quick at light,
come here you varmind, come out and fight!.
I'll hit you with my handbag, Berni will hit you with glee,
Inga will bite you, we'll make you flee!
Denise will soon be here, she'll give you what for,
never come back you idiot, don't darken our doors

Politics and religion and culture is fine
But artwork and lit. discussions will make you go blind.
We all get along here, get over yourself fast;
Except for one and we humor his large a**
Jen?s eyes sparkled daggers, her fingers dripped wit,
I grinned evilly and dyslexic fingers typed sh^%
Someone caught on and wrote something more racy,
ViveLeFrance yelled ?names DenisE not Densey?

The newbie bit his tongue he held tight in his teeth,
And his ears were burning from the backlash of his speech
He offered a broad apology and a squeak of defeat,
that sounded sincere, but not quite that complete
To the top of the ridicule list! to the top you go!
You must pay your dues you lout, fink and toad.

As Paul2001 builds great pages like Globetrotter
That rival the top 10 list of VT envy Bloggers
So up to the occasion the thread posters flew
With solidarity that gov?ments wish they knew
We were cheery and united, a right jolly thread stance
I laughed when I saw the noob squirm with the advance
A wink of Jen?s eye and a twist of Jeff?s head,
Soon gave me to know the newbie had lots to dread
With tail between legs and head hung down low,
the battered little wimp had nowhere to go.
Sullen and beaten, his face was a pic,
that's how we make people feel who are sick.
The VTers welcome with arms open wide
new members with travel tips and nothing to hide
who share pages and forum chat, though often mocking
the others get a socking, not a Christmas stocking

Berni is sat writing her Christmas list
hoping that last night ddevito didn?t get too p****d
wishing she could send gifts out to you one and all
to say thanks for the friendship, fun and laughs most of all

Inga is drunk, and lying on the table
Tried to get up, was completely unable
Darby eats pumpkin, tries to get over
The terrible, dreadful and awful hangover
Eddie is fresh and as usual, in pink
riding her tricycle, with Jean of wourse *wink*
Carmen is dancing flamenco& la bamba
Clicks castanets and crying "caramba"
Zdenka took ski, jumped from the roof, fell & got bumping
She just forgot that she's not in Finland at ski-jumping
Who's there, shouting more for an hour?
Nastya, catwoman climbed on Eiffel Tower
Canadian beauty with Ukrainian roots
Sending us greeting from Paris, Saluuuut!

Along came the carole singers, in fur trimmed red hoods
all led in the chorus by our Nepalgoods
so we invited them in for cookies and cocoa
brewed by Carnation and her man Tedrico

we decorated the tree with many a bow
all expertly knotted by Uravelau
to put Eddie on top there?s only one man wh?`ll risk it
so she?s placed on the tree by our mate Seabiscuit

lets all raise our glasses, but no wine left, I wish
that Inga and Anchovy didn?t both drink like fish
I thought we?d have enough with 24 gallon
quick go get some more.... your turn to go Hailun

And nothing to eat, we're dying of starvation
we ate all the cakes baked by Carnation
but what's just a little pastry for such a big crowd!
We're crying and yawning all, very loud.
Where's Chris balfor ? with his famous *grin* ?
Ah yes,,,busy.. right, cooking for Danish Queen!

The staff at VT although it is hard
are saving this ode to use in their Christmas card
we wont get royalties, but we wont complain
cos we?d just be told to read `terms of agreement` again
Aw, thank you dearest Berni,
that's really nice to know,
I've had a pain in the @ss today already,
what a blasted show!.
I was likened to that weirdo Divine,
by someone who's not even a friend,
so I told him what I thought of him,
and then asked G to put it to an end

Hey people, wake up, stop snoring and flopping,
Beware of RobDavis and his "photoshopping"
He'll put on on picture and then will blackmail
G will be tricicling in pink with fish tail

This is something that I would like to see,
it would tickle the pink right out of my.
No ,more asses for G to enoy
whilst he's playing with his new toy!

Ouff, what a thunder, sifter and riddle?
Picking my ears and brain as a needle
Even the wine poured out of my throat
Who's this? Ah yes! Daarth in his boat.
Sailing in Seine with gin in the fridge
searching for malt and crashing Paris bridges

Then loud explosion as if after the bombe.
What's this ? Beret fell in Paris catacomb
- Robert, what happened to you? Oh-la-la!
The answer we hear just : blah blah blah blah!!!
Old daarth he is baffled, why was he not here
The others are riming and drinking some beer

Twas the night before Chaka Khan when all through the net all the VT'ers were trying see how naughty they could get. They met in a great hall all decked with decadence and the room was filled with no scent of sense. Stuffing stockings while they were worn was not how you mother saw you when you were born....I have to go to lunch...finish please

Inga was drinking wine
Having chilled it just right,
Was watching for reindeer
On this starry night.

Nykaenen is here also,
Joining Inga with wine
While gazing over the Danube
Enjoying the time.

Horscheck and Littlebear
Also partake of the treats,
With one little cork screw,
It?ŭ a Budapest meet.

Matcrazy roams over Europe
With cases of beer
A brew made in Poland
With Tychy he spreads cheer

Last years goodies disappeared
So she watches through the night
And when thereŭs a rustle
Eddieŭs handbag give elves a sore fright.

Daarth and his sailboat
Going wherever they please
Just canŭt wait to see Santa
Land his sleigh on the seas.

And far from her home,
Braving pirates and plunder
Bettyboo is still living
In the far lands down under.

And still further on,
On the mainland itself
Lives jolly Craic,
Our Australian elf.

Then traveling east
For thousands of miles,
Geisha Girl is found
Sporting California style.

Out on the beach
In warm San Diego air
Giampiero is found
Hoping this year for hair.

On the edge of the Pond
Much further east,
Balfor is cooking
Nothing quite like a feast!

The globe weŭve encircled
With food, wine and friends.
Another year passes,
While a new one begins.